Name: The MilkmanDebut: Real LifeRemember the Milkman? Of course you do! Literally everyone ever in

Name: The Milkman

Debut: Real Life

Remember the Milkman? Of course you do! Literally everyone ever in the world remembers the Milkman! Everyone has the same exact memories of the same Milkman delivering milk in the same manner. And everyone knows that he’s gone. No more Milkman. Where did he go? Literally no one knows, and honestly, it feels like no one cares… but I care.

Even though the Milkman is gone, there are many other Men out there, surviving against all odds. What are they hiding? Could they have any motives to erase poor Milkman? Let’s go through our list of suspects and see if we can narrow anything down!

THE MUFFIN MAN

I’m just getting The Muffin Man out of the way first, because I trust him. It couldn’t have been him! He’s too kind and humble, and more importantly, there is only one of him. He is not a legion like the other Men. There is a Muffin Man, and he supplies all the muffins in the world, and we ask children whether they know him, and tell them his address, so that they may send him proper thanks annually. The Muffin Man is far too busy baking muffins, and remotely possessing the bodies and minds of anyone who decides to bake muffins, to do anything other than make muffins. Also, muffins are probably pretty good with milk, and therefore, these two Men should, logically, be on good terms. The Muffin Man is innocent!

THE MAILMAN

The Mailman is our first REAL suspect. A classic rival. The Milkman delivers milk directly to your door. The Mailman delivers mail directly to your door. It’s always been only a matter of time before the people decide whether milk or mail is better. It sure would be convenient for the Mailman if the milk was no longer an option, wouldn’t it? Also, milk could get his mail all soggy.

THE GARBAGE MAN

The Garbage Man basically sees himself as the New Milkman, the Cooler Milkman. His milk’s got an Edge to it. It’s not your mama’s milk anymore! Don’t get milk from a chump, get it from the dump! That’s the kind of stuff the Garbage Man is always saying. We all love the Garbage Man, we treasure the garbage he bestows upon us weekly, but I haven’t met a single person who likes his Garbage Milk. He’s not fooling anyone! It’s just garbage in a milk bottle! We can clearly see it’s just green gunk with a banana peel and a fish skeleton and an apple core in it! We can clearly see him go to the machine labeled GARBAGE MACHINE whenever he says “I could use a milk refill”! No one likes his milk. But… if it were the only milk in town, everyone would be legally forced to drink it. As we all are now.Guilty or not, the Garbage Man has won.

THE ICE CREAM MAN

The Ice Cream Man is not exactly a “suspect”, but more of a “result”. He sells milkshakes, for crying out loud! He needs milk to do that! From what we know of a milkman’s life cycle, he is born only able to deliver skim milk, but with each successive instar, graduates to richer and richer milks. A Whole Milkman is quite a sight! But maybe… they can go beyond? What if the Milkman never went anywhere at all? What if the Ice Cream Man is just his current form? Maybe he was even that short-lived Yogurt Man people claimed to see around town. If so, what a relief! What form may he take next? Will he finally experiment with full solids? Is the Cheeseman imminent?

THE EURASIAN BLUE TIT

Sadly, the most realistic outcome is not actually a Man… but a Bird! The Eurasian Blue Tit is a bit infamous in the milk fandom, for its meddling with milk. Maybe it’s spite, maybe it envies mammals. Whatever the case, the Eurasian Blue Tit would peck through the covers of the Milkman’s milk bottles, and eat the cream that collected at the top. Every single time, the human milk recipient would loudly announce, “This milk is for the birds!”, and not drink it. Milk is very energy-intensive for a Milkman to produce, and he just can’t afford to waste it like this, but he had a duty to fulfill! The Milkman kept sharing milk, and kept withering away more and more, until only dust remained…