When you think of Mormons, you probably think of whiteness—and you’d be correct, sin

When you think of Mormons, you probably think of whiteness—and you’d be correct, since 93% are white. What you don’t think of is Filipinx.

And yet, for two years, I was a Mormon.

Before this, I grew up in a loosely Catholic upbringing and rarely went to church. But after my dad left the U.S. Navy and our family, we moved back to the U.S. and lived with cousins who were Mormons. There, we were regularly visited by missionaries, and eventually converted.

Much like being a Navy brat, converting was less of a choice and more of a package family deal. I just went along with it to make everyone happy. But what I didn’t know was that going from kind-of-Catholic to Mormon was stepping out of the kiddie pool and going in the deep end.

I learned of their living prophet and apostles, the Book of Mormon and its golden plates history, and Jesus coming to America after resurrection. I saw ostentatious temples, and heard about special underwear and polygamy. But I wasn’t taught its racist roots—that was something I felt, not knew.

Meanwhile, my art at the time was inspired by graffiti/tagging and the AZN pride era, a pan-Asian movement that cultivated a positive view of being Asian American. It was the era of tuner culture, souped up Hondas, spiky hair, TRG, Asian Avenue, and AIM screennames like aZnBbyGrL.

AZN spaces weren’t utopias by any stretch. But at its core, it represented community and herd protection in a country that didn't—and still doesn't—want AsAms here. While non-Asian spaces pressured me to assimilate, AZN spaces provided a bubble where I could be myself more.

For Asians, the pressure to assimilate and learn self-hate is universal. But for Filipinx, there’s an added pressure with religion. Everyone who hears I was once Mormon thinks it’s the strangest thing (which I get), but the concept of Filipinx being converted is far from new.

Catholicism was forcibly thrust onto the Philippines upon Magellan’s arrival, and subsequently reinforced through 333 years of violent Spanish colonization. Today, the Philippines is 1 of 2 Southeast Asian countries with a majority Christian population (the other is East Timor).

Even though I’m Fil-Am, I feel connected to my ancestors through my experience of white Mormon missionaries dunking me in their colonizing waters, washing off “sinful” mindsets or behaviors that didn’t fit their specific mold. No matter where Filipinx live, whiteness finds us.

To this day, I feel pressure to “purify” my art and make myself smaller as a Filipino man. I know I’m not alone. Every day, Asians struggle with “baptisms.” We search for an AsAm pride, but it’s something we must create ourselves—not despite anti-Asian racism but because of it.

(Please don’t repost or edit my art. Reblogs are always appreciated.)

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