[Image Description: a drawing of a transmasculine genderfluid filipinx standing while making a quietly tired and frustrated frown. They have a relaxed undercut they pretend isn’t a bowl cut. They have a casual urban minimalist chic style, and they are dressed in all black. They’re holding a smart phone in their hand disdainfully. It would appear based on the screen that they were on Facebook. Next to them is text in cursive that reads, “If I have to explain how racism works, that’s when y'all white allies need to put in labor.”]
It used to be a collection of things that interested me.
Anime, art, photography, porn, music, you naaaame it.
My Tumblr interests were just as jumbled up as I am. And while there’s a uniqueness to that kind of mixed upness, I have come to learn that when it comes to digital marketing, or the selling of oneself as a “brand” on social media, the world seems to like flattened experiences.
You see, I have been on social media since the beginning. I call myself a vintage millennial. No, I didn’t think of that myself. It’s actually the work of Jaboukie (Young-White (my future husband, but not really because he doesn’t fulfill the “half my age plus 9″ rule)). I have been on social media for a long time, and I have marketed myself as a mixed up person comprised of a whole bunch of different experiences.
That doesn’t work. Especially not on my social media platform of choice: Youtube.
My Youtube channel started off as a way for me to upload video that I had taken for my Sinfonia chapter’s Mills Music Missions; groups of guys going around to nursing homes and hospitals, singing songs for the bed ridden and down trodden. From there, I started using Youtube to watch Happyslip, a Filipinx comedian who got her break acting like her parents online. Then I started following LoveBScott; a gay androgynous man who told stories and gave advice from his apartment in West Hollywood. From there, I began doing my own vlogs about my experiences as a Black/ Asian person.
I saw a lot of growth in the beginning. I was popular most among Filipinx people and Black Gay Queer men, a lot of whom were out online, but not in real life, a subset of the queer community which wasn’t uncommon in 2008, as a matter of fact. It was a prime time to use Youtube as a way to “escape” and I was an escape for a lot of people at first.
But then, I started talking about being Gay; being part of the LGBTQ community, and instantly many of my Filipinx subscribers turned on me. I received comments from the same people, over and over again telling me that I could still turn back and “return to God” and that they were praying for me, and hoped that I would get right because they had watched my videos for so long.
And I dug in further. I transformed my youtube channel into a place where Black Queer (Gay) men gathered on a weekly basis to talk about the issues of the day. Mind you, this was 4 months before The Read podcast by Kid Fury and Crissle. I was so into this idea that I even changed the name of the Youtube channel from “blasianFMA” to “Edugaytion.” A complete rebranding and including of my friends.
Edugaytion had a good run and was the jumping off point for some really interesting things. Garrett McQueen, the host of Edugaytion, went on to work for radio stations around the South, and ended up making his way to American Public Media where he currently works as a host of not only a show, but also a podcast listened to millions of people, and I currently work on a Queer podcast called “This QPOC Life.”
But what of those people from the Youtube days? The ones I haven’t mentioned? The ones who were my contemporaries, the ones who started around the same time I did, and we might not know each other (or maybe we do…)?
Plenty of people who started Youtube at the same time that I did stuck to a path. They stuck to one point. They stayed in a lane. Some of those people are now Youtube celebrities; with millions of followers, or household names in certain communities.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because I’m trying to figure out what happened with me. Why didn’t I make it big? What did I do wrong? Why don’t people latch on to me at as fast a rate as the people who were around me during the beginning?
I think I know.
I think it’s because I didn’t stay in a single lane. I changed the name of my channel. I changed the subject material. People who subscribed to me because I made a particular type of video would come back and then I’d be talking about or doing something completely different. One moment I’m reviewing the latest anime to live action adaptation, the next I’m talking about the struggles of being a Queer Person of Color in a largely White performing arts institution. One minute I’m talking about video games the next, I’m talking about HIV awareness.
I get it.
At this point it just seems like it’s far too late to even try to get things on one track. I’ve stepped away from Youtube. I’ve stepped back into it. I’ve taken breaks. I’ve done a video a day for a week. I can see the topics that gain the subscribers and the comments: They’re videos about mixed race people - but I don’t want to devote my channel to talking about one experience. I want to review videos games, movies, talk about queerness, and a whole host of other things. I want to vlog, get things off my chest, ramble, share stories… But the diversity thing isn’t something that audiences want.
This carries over into real life as well and is the reason why I’m able to arrive at the conclusion that I have regarding just youtube.
All blasians know the feeling of not being enough of one or the other. I guess this whole youtube thing is just another byproduct of that. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of blasians who have made it by solely devoting their channels to talking about being Black and Korean, with emphasis on anything Korean, and there are youtubers who are blasian who have devoted their channels to just compiling grammatical errors and talking shit about how people can’t spell… and these people rack up millions of views and subscribers.
I can’t do that. Not because I don’t have the ability, but because I don’t want to. I’m always evolving. I’m always learning something new, and I’m always trying a different thing.
The current thing is Film Making, which I will probably get into more in my next post because I’ve been typing too much already, and I’m behind on this script I’m writing.
Anyway, I doubt anybody is reading this, but I’m glad I thought it through and put it out into the universe.
Many of the evacuees are Muslim, so make sure foodstuffs are halal, allowable to their faith. Explanation here by Islamic Da’wah Council of the Philippines.
Locally produced is better for reasons discussed below.
If outside the Philippines:
If possible, donate money. Find an organization that will accept money. Sending goods not made and sold in the Philippines may hurt the economy of the region even more. If you can’t confirm the legitimacy of any organization’s efforts and wish to send physical goods, consider buying things made and sold from the Philippines, especially from Mindanao. Social Products sells Mindanao black rice, for example.
As always do your due diligence by researching the organizations you wish to donate to, so that you know that donations will actually go to the people who need help.
Always assume that they (Maute Group) are also on Social Media. This is not private real estate. Information is vital for them and our military.
If you know accounts who have posted information that may have compromised their location, ask them to delete those posts.
The people’s safety should be your priority. Anything that keeps people hidden will help them. We know the situation is dire as it is.
Do not share information that is from the active zone on social media. Gov’t operatives on the field will know this already and it will be of no use to us (private citizens).
There have been a lot of incidents where Social Media has failed us – the Zamboanga Siege and the Manila Hostage Crisis.
Do not inform the public. Inform your loved ones. Choose life, please.
Hi, soon-to-be grads! I’m working on designs for fabric to be used on sablay, graduation malong/sash used by some Philippines schools. I still have to get the test swatch to make sure the design looks good on fabric (the little heart watermark won’t be on the final product).
Here is a a video on how sablay are used. Like tassles, they are moved to the other side once you are officially graduated.
Hopefully the fabric will be proofed by June. If you are graduating then and are interested in getting some fabric to make your own sablay/malong, please let me know (reblog, message, etc) what color you would like (school colors would probably the norm), so then I can proof the fabric in time to allow it to be sold on Spoonflower. If you’re graduating later in the year, I might be able to sew up the malong for you and sell on Etsy.
Please signal boost.
PS I’ll probably put up a video on how to make your own sablay without sewing, so even if you don’t buy my fabric, you can have a bit of our culture on you when you graduate.
PPS Mabuhay and congrats! You’re so close to the finish line! Believe ako sa’yo!
Tu Pug Imatuy (”The Right to Kill”) is based on the real-life tragedy of the displacement and killings of Lumad peoples in southern Philippines. It has won six awards from Sinag Maynila: Best Film
Join us as we slow the fuck down with Angela Angel (and her plants!) in our 3rd interview in the “What Is Healing for Asian Americans?” series:
sumi:You are a gardener, artist, medium, and ceremonialist. As a young traditional healing practitioner, your work is a continuation of your indigenous lineage– the Bontoc and Ibaloi tribes (the Igorot) of the Philippines. What does living out your purpose and traditional healing practices look like in Oakland, CA (your current home)?
Angela: Aside from when I’m with students or clients, I spend most of my time interacting with the plants, the earth, and my ancestors. I’m really talking to them and returning back to my ancestors’ ways of animism.
I spend my time cultivating my relationship back to our earth, because we have broken lines. This isn’t this glamorous thing. I’m in a big process of decolonization and a big part of my spirituality is decolonization. What that looks like is diving deep into ancestral work. I spend a lot of time sitting at my altar and working there. Making medicine and being in the garden. This requires a lot of spaciousness – to slow down and connect with the earth.
Unfortunately, this process of rematriation sometimes feels like a privilege to me because most of my friends, family, and the public are very much in the grind. When I’m in my home and garden space, I feel like I’m just playing. Which is beautiful to me, but if you contrast it with most of the world, it feels like a privilege. But that’s the only way at this point.
sumi: What is a medium?
Angela: A translator of languages, frequencies, vibrations, colors. An empath, but in a way that we are able to control that sensitivity and use it to support clarity and healing for others. A deep connection with the earth and the elements. An avatar, being in tune so deeply and authentically that you’re able to work with the elements around you.
sumi:The dominant Western worldview does a tremendous job of separating us [humans] from nature. Similarly, trusting your psychic visions in a culture which doesn’t honor your feelings and sensations as real information, is no small thing. How did you learn to trust your visions and the land?
Angela: That’s pretty much what it means to be Indigenous– to have full trust and deep connection with the earth. It’s our way of life.
I feel hopeful because we are in a time of decolonization. Our dominant culture doesn’t allow for us to trust in the earth and in things that are unseen. Religion, colonialism, internalized colonialism, and capitalism have all violently impressed upon us not to trust in our Mother, Our Earth. When you’re severed from the earth, you completely forget her. We’ve been in that great forgetting for a while now.
For me, I feel blessed that I was raised that way. Next to the earth, my mama was my first teacher and I learned to take care of the land from her. Nature is what should feel natural because it’s our inheritance and it’s our inherent-ness. As human beings, we have a long way to go with rebuilding that trust.
sumi: For folks who didn’t grow up with someone who taught us this value of trusting earth, or seeing the earth as our mother – where’s a place to start?
Angela: I think it’s both subtle and also a product of assimilation that people didn’t grow up with that direct connection. For the most part, it’s always been there.
THE SUBTLETY COMES FROM ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP TO NATURE, THE SAME WAY YOU WOULD ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NEW FRIEND.
You pay attention, you make acknowledgements, you give them a gift, you listen to them, you respect them, you establish consent, you make a meal for them, you tell them you love them.
All of that is the same when you are working with the plants: you observe, you become quiet, you become still, you pay attention to the way they grow, you offer them water, you ask permission to take from them, you also greet them, and tell them you love them. The same reverence we give to our human loved ones is the same reverence I carry with the earth.
sumi:Healing historical and ancestral trauma is central to your work as a practitioner. Why is this so important? And are ancestors more than just our blood family?
Angela: Yes. We are connected to so much rich history that is within our blood lineage, but if you go further back, we are connected to so much more. We’re connected to the animals, the plants, and to what is known as the unseen. There’s multiple worlds that we’re connected to that I would consider our ancestors.
We’ve been on this planet as a peoples and as our lineages for a very long time. When people describe themselves as an old soul, I sometimes laugh at that. At this point, everybody is an old soul! If you look at it generationally and spiritually, we have our grandmothers that are being reborn into this planet. We’re very, very old. We’ve accumulated thousands of years of trauma and repeating history in a cyclical, destructive way.
ONCE YOU’VE GOTTEN TO A CERTAIN LEVEL OF YOUR HEALING WORK, YOU’LL HIT A TENSION THAT EITHER YOU NEED TO CONFRONT, OR IT’S GONNA CONTINUE AS THIS PATTERN IN DIFFERENT WAYS. THAT IS ANCESTRAL WORK.
In order to change our world, we have to get into the deep inner work, coupled with all the other things which we may already be doing, like organizing and taking care of our daily needs. It’s vital to our systems, especially in our partnerships and families.
[Often] we get so enthusiastic and ready to change the world in this very external way. It’s what I would describe as hypermasculine. I definitely think this needs to continue happening and it has its role. But if we’re having all this turmoil in ourselves and families and we just keep running away from that – either because it’s too hard or we don’t wanna deal with it – that extends into the rest of our work. We can’t just change things from the outside in, we need to do it both ways.
sumi: What does ceremony mean to you?
Angela: I would describe my life as ceremony. That’s how our ancestors lived and continue to do so.
CEREMONY IS A LIFESTYLE. NOT LIKE, “I’M GONNA DO YOGA BECAUSE IT’S TRENDING,” BUT A LIFESTYLE WHERE YOU HAVE TO WALK IN SUCH A WAY WHERE YOU ARE REALLY IN TUNE AND PAYING ATTENTION TO THINGS.
It’s a mothering way of being. For me, ceremony could be as small as daily rituals like waking up in the morning and stretching, or it could be much more formal and intentional.
To talk about ceremony is to talk about why we even need it. It’s at a level where language feels very limiting. It’s a way of us mirroring the natural order of the universe. When we mirror that, we become in tune with the sacredness of all and the natural cycles of things.
Ritual is a way of continuously birthing yourself into existence. Specifically, rites of passage rituals are so important. We barely have that today, perhaps only in the form of weddings or giving birth.
In our ancestors’ time, people were initiated often. For example, when a child is stepping into a certain level of their maturity or when you’re becoming an elder. We honor different stages of life and death.
We used to have these rituals to understand our role as members of our community. What we’re seeing now is when we’re not formally initiated, we get initiated a different way. Either it becomes a disaster, we become ungrounded from it all, or we find our way. For example, when there’s a shocking death in the family. If people don’t honor it, if they don’t create a ceremony around it, the soul and the family becomes lost.
When we do ceremonies, we’re creating space for people to come into themselves and into the reality that their loved one has now graduated from life. We’ve lost a lot of that, or we have diluted versions of it which are based on pressures to look and be a certain way– like weddings.
sumi:What is the gift of an imperfect ancestor?
Angela: It means working with all the different lines within us. We have a history that is violent and full of terror and trauma and that exists within us.
WE HAVE ANCESTORS THAT ARE OUR COLONIZERS. BUT IT IS ALSO A GIFT BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT THAT TO CONTINUE.
By doing ancestral work we’re able to see our imperfect ancestors through compassion, through their original innocence.
