my art diary::(2018 december?) Pt.3awee but i cant find a clear version but i was TRYING. Was trying

my art diary::(2018 december?) Pt.3

awee but i cant find a clear version but i was TRYING. Was trying smthn too far away for hair that i couldn’t capture so i just gave up. It looks a bit simple though, compared to what i thought i was trying to do oop

…. I’m looking at this rn bc im in the vortex of no self trust rn and like this constant pull between
1. my instincts that happen when i naturally react to events
2. trying to deliberate those instincts or apply them progressively, only for them to vanish 
3. reality and path, which are at war with my instincts and things im drawn naturally to 

Looking at my own stuff from before restores some self trust to some extent because it’s in SOME progressive direction with fulfilling my instincts, and yet precisely because of that is why I feel like it’s in the completely wrong direction, because my instincts often seem to lead me to complete insanity and separation from reality, as well as accidentally amoral self centeredness. 

But is that separation from reality due to me not being allowed to progress and form a reality to follow through with my instincts? So it’s used to being in this dissociative level above reality 

I think allowing myself to genuinely move and rereact is key, and to not let my narcissism neuron trick me into only allowing its emotion to fill up my entire brain, shutting down any new processing and new things to care about that don’t match its narcissistic bubble of what it cares about (which is the only current emotion.) I’m the enemy of my own moving-on-ness and change and development, the concept of growth.

because if I look at the history of myself, at one moment I may feel this instinct, only in a another moment to almost be a completely different point of view, and that change is what makes me lose trust in myself but it’s exactly that change of realization that should make me gain trust in myself. But then according to my experiences, those realizations have no outlet and just dissipate so I just don’t have the material and the experiences with my voice that confirm that I should feel ok in this situation, and this is something that one BUILDS when they’re a kid until an adult, with the help of parents and a good environment. They shouldn’t just see that your brain functions and values certain things, then denounce them, then force you into a different physical action reality than the one in your brain.
I too would like that to work but it really just doesn’t i guess, or maybe I shouldn’t have lied so much as a kid about it, maybe I should have HONESTLY expressed myself (something i completely still have a problem with precisely because of this whole debacle,) shouldn’t have avoided discomfort like life-or-death of the reality of my brain and what it values in its non-smartness, in its vanity, in it delusion, in its shallowness, its non realisticness, and its non congruence with “accomplishments.” I should have faced to myself and accepted the weakness of my instincts and not allowed this other mask to grow and grow and grow and now that it’s showtime    
I dont know how to deal with failure and confusion and lostness precisely because she never let me. if i fail then she overtakes my senses with her eruptions and anger and then takes over and doesn’t help me dissect myself, see myself more 3d, explore myself, find my own human voice. That’s the rory fantasy! 

that being said, i think what was wrong with my ‘art’ thinking of these past two days is i try to control too much, so it’s like this vortex of delusion where i hyperperfection focus too much on how controlling how i feel, micromanaging how i feel, like this ‘idealism feeling’ obsession. But it’s completely narcissistic and goes back to my late Feb-March stuff . Things WILL change no matter what so instead of worrying about controlling change or controlling how something is in order to change it, I should somehow just focus on….other things? idk what.
It has no practicality to it and revolves around idiocy and this is what i mean by my brain naturally just gets so lost so i completely lose trust in myself
Instead i should be let myself feel anything, and be open and then try to be ready for anything by taking opportunities when i see them in the moment, and then doing things even when i dont have to. Then life will be more open :)

Anyways back to drawing and breakdancing, I would like to do it again because it might help with self trust and I think the process of it will help me observe and reflect how I will work in real life, and me overcoming and noticing things will help me understand myself so i can get better. How i connect ideas to product.

So in the starting point of that:

1. I think instincts come very naturally when I am reacting to things happening externally. However I keep severing my inner storyline and hence why my instincts only come unconsciously. My lack of inner world to respond to is a root environment trauma, where the environment didn’t respond to me and i didn’t feel to respond to it. The replacement for that sometimes comes but i never really know how to follow through with it and become part of it, so just stop trying to control it and just yolo. Things change. 

2. Why don’t I just try??? Bc I’m not used to having this free space in which i CAN try!!! I’m so used to moving only behind my eyeballs and just standing still until the idea goes away or self doubt and hatred takes over or my ideas develop way too far past anything i could create.
The thing was with this drawing ^, when im painting something I need to be 100% sure because she monitored me and was in constant view of me so it’s like i had to 100% visual the entire thing contretely in my head from scratch, wihtout any practice drawings, or else i couldn’t draw it. I didnt have real life space to explore and feel ok with failure healthily.
So I know i have instincts, but I need to be allowed to react to them in that moment


Things that are just reactionary and instinctual i have no issue growing from naturally. It’s the deliberate stuff that uses consciousness brain thoughts that just seems completely maladapted and dysfunctional. 
Anyways I’m going to escape now bc escapism is good imo and i get more perspective after bye