[VD: A Tiktok by @LyleForever in the format of a call-in show. The host is wearing a green lizard suit, and their face is painted green to match. The background is footage of a dry landscape, and elevator music plays in the background. The host reads from something off-screen: “Scottie, it says here you have been “actively committing marriage fraud for money.” What, exactly, is, ‘marriage fraud’?”
The caller, Scottie, says: “At my job, if you’re married, you get paid significantly more money. So, me and one of my buddies decided to, just, get married. And now I make a bunch of money and I buy him things sometimes and it all works out good for the both of us. At work, I have to kinda tiptoe around the fact that I’m not gay.”
The host says: “Well, Scottie, I- I have news for you. If you and your buddy are legally married-” Zoom-in to host’s face- “there is no fraud, being taken place.” End zoom-in. “You don’t have to be gay to get married to a man. You- I mean, you did it.” There is a short pause, and then Scottie says, “I love him, also. I love my husband a lot.” The host stares at the camera, neutral expression not changing. End VD]
[ID: A reply by @Handageddon that reads: “He heard be gay and do crime, but he’s not entirely sure what a crime is.” End ID]
this feels like if all of humanity were to reset and humans had forgotten how everything worked and had to teach each other what things were. this is the Wall turorial
[ID: a bearded man in a blue shirt walks in front of a plywood sheet he is using as a wall. His voice is deep and a bit scratchy, and he has a sort of Theatre Pirate way of talking. He says:
The most underutilised tool in getting yourself a mate is Wall Standing. A lot of people go up to a wall and they go (he gestures with both hands as if afraid) “Oh! My shadow!” Don’t be afraid, it’s your friend. It’s here to guide you. See, when I do This (he gestures with one hand, facing the camera), my shadow does That (he gestures again) - when I do THIS (he gestures with both hands, facing the wall) my shadow does THAT (he gestures again). Haha! But no, we want our shadow to be cool, calm, collected, yes. Then others, they just, they go (he walks towards the wall) “Oh no, the wall’s here, what do I do, that’s not sexy!” Ahahaha! You approach the wall like you knew the wall was there in the first place and hike your Heeled Boot up, and you just gradually lean (he leans back with one elbow against the plywood wall, which falls over, and he falls too, somehow ending up with the plywood sheet on top of him, as he shouts from the floor,) OW!
The tiktok endscreen plays, showing the username voicemonsteredits /End ID]
