Have Faith in Me, Ch. 5

When a case hits a little too close to home and comes with a fair amount of scandal, Barba finds himself trying his best to do the right thing while protecting someone he cares for deeply.

Pairing:Rafael Barba x Original Female Character

Rating:M/E (for language, sexual themes, and canon-typical accounts of sexual assault)

A/N: Once again, I’m messing with the timeline. For this story, Liv had just begun the process of adopting Noah when Barba became their ADA.

Chapter Four

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Olivia stopped at Carmen’s desk. When the assistant looked up, she motioned with her head towards his office, “Is he in?”

Carmen nodded, “You can go in. Fair warning, though, he isn’t in a good mood.”

“I’m not surprised to hear that,” she replied as she gently knocked on the door before opening it and greeting the ADA, “Hey.”

“Hey,” his eyes briefly flicked up in her direction before returning to the legal pad in front of him. “Has something come up?”

“No,“ she answered. She sat in one of the chairs across from the desk, "Carisi got back in from watching jury selection a little while ago. He said things seemed pretty intense.”

He rolled his eyes as he sat down his pen and looked up at the Lieutenant, “I’m prosecuting an ADA whom, up until a month ago, was on my side of the courtroom. Intense is putting it mildly.”

Liv rose an eyebrow, “And that’s the only reason?”

Barba leaned back in his chair, “You’ve never been one to beat around the bush, Olivia. If you have something you want to say, say it.”

“As your colleague, I’m respecting your wishes about Lani and had my detectives let that angle go.” Liv leaned forward, “As your friend, I don’t know that it’s in your best interest for me to pretend that this case is only personal for you because of the perp’s occupation.”

“I haven’t claimed that it is.” He ran a hand over his face, “We both know what he did to her. We both know it’s too late to do anything about it. So, the only thing I can do is make sure that he goes away for what he did to Rory and Jayla.”

“Are you worried about the possibility the jury decides he’s not guilty,” she gently probed?

He scoffed, “That won’t happen.”

“But what if it does.” She briefly hesitated before she asked, ‘Will Lani be able to handle that? Will you?”

“You routinely bring me the flimsiest cases that don’t have half the evidence or credible victims that this one does.” He looked her directly in the eye, and his nostrils flared, “You’ve never turned up in my office to question whether I’m capable of getting a conviction. I’m the samelawyer this week that I’ve been for all thosecases.”

“And none of those cases have involved your personal life,” she retorted without missing a beat. “Rafael, love has a way of creating blind spots, Barba. And you can call what you and Lani have complicated, but it’s clear as day how you feel about her.” Liv looked away from him, “Believe me, I understand complicated. I consider myself a good cop. I hold my squad accountable and to a far higher standard than most. But if you were to dig deep into my record with my old partner, you’d find that I went along with several things I’d never accept from my detectives. And, if I had to go back in time, I’d make the exact same choices without any hesitation.” Her eyes finally found him again. She continued, “I’m not worried about your ability to argue this case, but you and I both know juries can be unpredictable. It’s why the 8th floor is pushing for you to plead this out. As someone who’s been doing this a very long time, you need to understand that whether this jury comes back guilty or not guilty, Lani is going to need you. And, as your friend, I’m worried if you haven’t prepared for not guilty, you’re going to drop the ball when she needs you the most.”

Barba let Liv’s words wash over him. He took a few minutes to contemplate what she had shared. He leaned against his desk before he finally spoke, “She told me that the verdict didn’t matter to her. That the fact that I was willing to take the case head-on was enough.”

“And you don’t believe her? You’re worried that if you don’t get a conviction, she’ll end up resenting you for it?” Liv questioned.

He shook his head, “I believe her.”

Liv took another guess, “You’re worried that you won’t be able to forgive yourself.”

“That’s not it,” he assured her.

“You know you can trust me, right?” She sat back in the chair, “We all need someone we can talk to about the stuff we see day in and day out. I’m assuming that Lani was that person for you. It’s understandable why she can’t be for this case, but you should be talking to someone.”

“I’ll be fine.” He waved her off, “You’ve got your hands full enough without adding my issues to the pile.”

Olivia crossed her arms, “Rafael, you came in, right in the middle of the still ongoing drama surrounding me trying to adopt Noah, and haven’t blinked twice. You’ve listened to me vent about that more times than I can count and given me plenty of good advice. Let me return the favor.”

He looked away from Liv, took a long sip from his coffee cup, and contemplated whether he wanted to confide in her. While he’d watched SVU’s personal lives bleed over into their jobs on more than one occasion, he’d always prided himself on being able to keep the two separate. On being able to compartmentalize.

He begrudgingly accepted that the moment he had confirmed to Liv that Lani was, in fact, Kane’s first victim, that carefully crafted separation had ceased to exist.

“Three years.” He set down the coffee cup. Barba replaced it with his pen, flicking it between his fingers as he spoke, “Lani and I have been doing whatever the hell you want to label it for almost three years. I just assumed she kept me at arm’s length because we both were focused on our careers. I never questioned or pushed for her reasons. Maybe if I should have. Maybe she would have told me about this sooner.”

“Or maybe she would have ended things because she would have rather kept this a secret than tell you,” Liv countered.

“I keep thinking of all the times over the past year I’ve talked about cases with her.” He shook his head, regret marring his face, “I didn’t share anything confidential, but that had to have been hard for her, right?”

“Barba,” Olivia waited until his gaze met hers, “you’re blaming yourself for a decision she made. Based on the fact that she won’t let you try to get her testimony admitted, I’d guess that if she had a choice, it’s a decision she would have kept making.”

He mulled over that statement for a few moments before he spoke again, “Ever since I started working with SVU, she talks about how you and these cases have started to round out my hard edges. It makes me wonder if the reason she didn’t tell me is that she didn’t trust me to believe her or if she knew I would believe her but thought I would walk away from her.”

Hearing the anguish in his voice, Olivia mentally kicked herself for giving Lani her word that she wouldn’t tell him about their conversation in the park. She always tried her best to keep her promises to their victims. And, even though Lani refused to testify, Liv still felt that she deserved her protection.

She could, however, steer him in the right direction and push him to speak to Lani herself.

Even though she knew the answer, she asked, “Have you talked to her about it?”

A humorless chuckle fell from his lips, “She wants to hold off on any serious discussions about all of this until the trial is over.”

“I see,” Liv replied. “You two knew each other in Brooklyn, right?”

Barba nodded, “We didn’t date back then. I have a strict policy to not date people at work, but that didn’t stop me from being attracted to her or flirting with her whenever our paths crossed.”

“Did she keep in touch with you after she left the DAs office,” Olivia questioned.

“No. I went home on a Friday and came in on Monday to my assistant telling me that major drama was happening upstairs because Lani had tenured her resignation over the weekend, and her profile had gone up on the New York Center for Civil Liberties website.” He shrugged before he crossed his arms, “I was surprised she left so abruptly, but I wasn’t surprised that she went to work with Ellis. I knew that he was a family friend and mentor while she was in law school. We ran into each other, a few years ago, at a bar association event. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in two years at that point. We ended up seated next to each other and talked the whole night. Those events are always so dry, but she made it bearable. So, I asked for her number at the end of the night. Fast forward a few years later, and here we are.”

Olivia saw an opening for a question she finally didn’t know the answer to, “Did you ever try to push for more in the relationship?”

“Not really. I would check in every now and then to see if she was still happy with our arrangement. She never had a problem with it staying the way it was, and I never questioned it,” Barba explained. “I just always assumed we’d both get to a certain point with our jobs where we’d both be ready and able to have a real relationship. I never, not once, questioned if it’d be with each other.”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Barba. Victims tend to cling to whatever gives them a sense of normalcy. Maybe she didn’t trust you, but it’s also just as likely that not telling you allowed her to hold on to a small piece of what life was like before Kane assaulted her,” she assured him.

“Maybe.” He smoothed down his tie, “I know every time you or the detectives have brought up our relationship, I’ve said it’s complicated. But I can honestly say this is the first time in years that it actually feelscomplicated.”

Knowing that she was potentially about to hit a nerve, Olivia gently broached, “What I’m hearing is that you feel guilty because you think there’s something you did that kept her from telling you about Kane.”

Liv didn’t miss the flash of hurt in his eyes before he looked away from her. Olivia wasn’t thrilled to have caused him pain, but she knew better than anyone that you can’t deal with something if you aren’t willing to acknowledge that it’s there.

He took a few breaths to steady himself. When he opened his eyes, Olivia wasn’t surprised to see the hard glint in his eye that he usually reserved for the courtroom. She knew, even before he opened his mouth, that he wasn’t going to acknowledge her statement.

“I want Kane to go away for a very long time, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make that happen.”

“And then what,” Liv challenged.

“Lani and I have a lot to talk about, and I’m worried that once we do, she’s going to call it quits.” He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat before he admitted, “I don’t want to lose her.”

“And you think the chances of that happening will be greater if Kane walks free,” Olivia stated, hoping that his ability to admit that he was scared of losing Lani might allow him to admit this, too.” He held her gaze but didn’t respond. Liv ran a hand through her hair, “That’s an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself, counselor.”

He tilted his head, “You say pressure. I call it motivation.”

His tone alerted Olivia to the fact that he was done giving her access to his concerns and fears about Lani and the upcoming trial.

She stood as she asked, “You’re prepping Rory later on this evening for her testimony, right?”

“Yes,” he confirmed.

“Would you like me to be there,” she offered. “Just to make sure that your motivation doesn’t end up pushing her too hard?”

“That’d probably be a wise choice,” he admitted.

“I’ll let Lucy know that I’ll need her to stay a little later with Noah.” She motioned to the legal pad that was in front of him, “I’ll let you get back to prepping your opening.”

He nodded, and Olivia made her way toward the door. She had the handle in her hand, ready to turn the knob but stopped short when Barba called her name.

He waited until she’d fully turned her head over her shoulder before he spoke, “Thank you.”

Olivia gave him a small smile and head nod before she fully exited his office.