#also everyone who hasnt started plus and minus

mymycorrhizae:

Becausethepossibility
Thatyouwouldeverfeel
thesamewayaboutme
It’sjusttoomuch

#CRYING AND SCREAMING AND THROWING UP#“DO YOU CATCH A BREATH WHEN I LOOK AT YOU?????”#“ARE YOU HOLDING” THE FUCK “BACK LIKE THE WAY I DO?????????”#i am…… BDJFHSNFRBEWUFEHSKMSKEHDB#listen LISTEN#it’s so painful because the short answer is no but the summary of the long answer is YES#bc ofc ze shou loves him i mean look at everything he’s done!!#he doesn’t hold back at all bc his life revolves around li gong#he loves being with him and putting his arm around him and kissing him when he’s drunk!#he’s not holding back but he is! bc he doesn’t kiss li gong unless he’s drunk. he doesn’t tell li gong how he feels.#he doesn’t KNOW exactly how he feels. he’s holding back so much that he doesn’t even think abt his feelings for li gong.#doesn’t let himself dwell on his feelings long enough to comprehend them anywhere but his subconscious.#and so he only puts his arm around li gong and calls them brothers. and so he only kisses li gong when he’s drunk.#he’s not holding back bc he doesn’t realize at the forefront of his mind that there’s anything to hold back.#he almost tucked it away so neatly that it doesn’t spill out and doesn’t need containing.#*almost*#bc he still kisses li gong when he’s drunk. he still buys him the keychain he saw him eyeing. still makes his life revolve around li gong.#so no he’s not holding anything back but YES he’s holding *so much* back but no he isn’t bc he loves li gong so openly despite it all!!!!!#and poor li gong is just there. absolutely and unequivocally in love with his best friend#he’s holding back with everything he has bc he’s so scared that any little bit would slip out and cause him to lose ze shou forever.#but ze shou kisses him when he’s drunk. and he puts his arm around him. and he buys him the keychain.#they’ve been inseparable for over two decades and fate seems to be telling them that they’re meant to be.#so li gong who’s been holding back with all his might lets some of it slip out and…..#ze shou pulls away. ze shou rambles on about being brothers. ze shou leaves.#so maybe he was wrong. maybe ze shou isn’t holding anything back. maybe he doesn’t catch a breath when li gong looks at him.#maybe a drunken kiss is just a drunken kiss and a keychain is just a keychain.#li gong has to hold back once more maybe even harder than before. cause they’re brothers.#they’ve gone two decades like this and they’ll keep it up or else lose each other entirely.#poor little fu li gong just has to live knowing what happens when he finally doesn’t hold back: exactly what he was afraid of.#EXCEPT NOT REALLY BC YES ZE SHOU CATCHES A BREATH WHEN HE LOOKS AT HIM!!! YES HE’S HOLDING BACK!!!! YES HE LOVES HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - @ahxiang

Yessss to all of this! I feel like every episode I jump between zeshou totally knows and zeshou is oblivious. But whether zeshou always knew about ligong’s feelings or even returned those feelings, the outcome is the same because his views on love have been greatly shaped by his mother abandoning her family. He’s so cynical about love and I think as a result he’s terrified over the idea of falling in love with ligong. He has a drinking party to celebrate his friend’s breakup, he describes his work as a divorce lawyer as freeing people from marriage and he disagrees with ligong on whether Aaron and Hank’s characters can save their marriage. To him, admitting that they’re in love would mean losing ligong because he thinks love ends badly. When you watch his reaction to ligong kissing him, the thing that jumps out the most is that he’s SCARED. Ligong just did something that will make it impossible to keep pretending and zeshou goes so hard on the brozoning because he’s desperately trying not to acknowledge it. But later in their office, ligong is miserable and avoiding him and zeshou DOES acknowledge it by outright asking why he likes him. And I just really hope they communicate and make some progress in this week’s episode because I can’t handle ligong’s heartbroken face for much longer.