#and he will
thinking about grief and about how almost certainly a big part of lxc’s friendship with jgy was talking about nmj — remembering him, mourning him, celebrating him. because it helps, having someone you trust, deeply, to talk to about a loved one who’s passed away.
(how awful it must be for lxc, to think back to those conversations, now knowing that jgy had been nmj’s murderer)
but after jgy’s death… lxc is alone.
like, i know that countless fics have been written about how alone lxc is, post-guanyin, but he is. so, soalone.
even under “normal” circumstances, there’s this… this pressure you feel, to stop talking about them. they’re dead. we know it was difficult for you. they’re dead. we know. and even the kindest people, even when they patiently listen to yet another memory of someone who’s permanently gone — it’s so easy to feel like a burden, even when they insist that you aren’t.
for lxc especially — who wants to hear about jgy anymore, other than to spit out his name and grind it into mud? and maybe lxc wants to do that too, at some point,
(because he’s not immune to anger and resentment and bitterness and)
but there’s. so much else. that he can’t talk about, because no one gives a shit, and he has to pretend that his feelings aren’t so so so so so complicated, still, even months, years, decades later. sure, at first, people understand because jgy was, after all, his sworn brother. but how long until they find lxc’s reluctance to unequivocally condemn jgy not only baffling but offensive?
and — and what about nmj? is he even allowed to speak of da-ge anymore? and, if he is — with whom? who is left, that he trusts enough to grieve with and who knew nmj as he did? the only one that fits the latter would be nhs — but that’s out of the question. so who? who?
… all i can imagine is lxc having to process all of this in silence
(maybe the occasional conversation with lwj, but their relationship isn’t one that involves many words, and lwj has wwx to love and talk to and be happy with; lxc would never want to get in the way of that)
and it. fucking. hurts!
