#be gentle please

when i think back to the 42 days i spent in hospital, what i remember most is the love other crazy people showed me. i remember spending hours walking in circles around the ward talking with each other and racing when the nurse wasn’t looking. i remember the two other people my age who ended up dating in the ward and how much fun they had in those brief moments they could sneak away and make out. i remember the one guy i met who saw from the hallway that i was hiding under my desk and he convinced the nurse to bring me extra chocolate pudding. i remember sharing my m&m’s with another patient even though i wasn’t allowed to. i remember making origami cranes and stars and modular origami for so many other patients. i remember the 56 year old lesbian who did yoga in her room every morning and invited me to join her. i remember when a bunch of us played hours of crazy 8′s but we called it normal 8′s because we were like “well we’re already crazy!”. i remember not being judged for my scars and bandages and i remember hugging someone when she got out and telling her how proud i was. i remember us sharing coping skills and bitching about the mean nurses and giving each other actually helpful advice. 

there was so much evil shit that happened to all of us in there and i still can’t talk about most of it without crying, but i so deeply value the other patients who treated each other with care and tried to make those shitty days a little less shitty. i never want to get locked up in a psych ward ever again but remembering those small acts of solidarity makes me so emotional and hopeful.