#bill adama
Laura: Well I don’t like saying “I told you so” but-
Bill: The hell you don’t, it’s your favorite phrase.
hi guys i apologize in advance but if you will allow me to be unhinged about characters for a moment. i have some. thoughts. about -you guessed it- tactical officer lieutenant felix gaeta of the battlestar galactica.
i just. the mutiny arc gets me on so many levels because. it’s not a villain arc. i’ve seen in called that, but i respectfully disagree. it is simply a decision made- quite tactically may i add - by someone who has had to beg lie and kill his way out of every level of hell and is trying to prevent further disaster and despair. no, it is not perfectly executed. yes, there probably could have been another way.
and here’s the thing: i don’t think it’s about the cylons. yes, they are a part of it; this is a man who witnessed the shitshow that was new caprica firsthand after all. but i think beyond that it is largely about faith and trust. think about it. gaeta has served in the colonial fleet for seven years. he has believed in it, he has lost everything to it because he has given everything to it. and that’s why he’s doing this! he believes in the idea still, but he can’t say the same about the peopleanymore. he trusted in baltar’s campaign, but he saw that crumble to dust within an instant. he was in charge of all that, probably did more in the political department than baltar ever did. and they blamed it all on him in the end. just look at Collaborators. they all agree that it was him handling things. he carries the weight of that. he put faith and hope in his Eight, only to find out much later that she had betrayed him. and she blamed it on him. she blamed it on his oh-so-human trust, his hope and his love.
and now we get to the final five. there was too much going on for the show to truly explore how members of the fleet felt about that reveal, but… it’s tigh, who felix has served under for years, who has been something of a constant, part of the leadership duo he has followed for so long. it’s sam, who… well, shot him. not much else to say there. but it’s also the chief, who cut him some slack and was kind to him when no one else was after new caprica. these are people he has known, cared about, and trusted. he wants to trust them. and they give the fleet earth! which turns out to be a nuclear wasteland where home should have been. EARTH. KILLED. DEE. and yes, he could just go back to trusting that the leadership will take care of it, that they will find a way, but… the president has basically gone missing in action, and is not acting herself. there doesn’t seem to be anything left to hope for. and felix… he can’t put that kind of trust in someone else anymore. not after everything it’s done to him. he has only one thing left to give to this cause: himself. he has to at least try. trust in himself for once. do something himself. he could never do enough before, but maybe, maybe this time…
his biggest crime, in the eyes of others, was that he didn’t simply break and die. that’s not who he is.
im just. im so. im absolutely devastated by his character arc.
OH AND I CAN’T GET OVER THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT MUST HAVE DONE TO EVERYONE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM. like. adama and tigh both cared about him a lot (adama calling him a good kid and worrying that he’ll never see him again with the demetrius mission, the way tigh says ‘so who shot gaeta??’ with such genuine accusation, and tries to get him to get some proper sleep in face of the enemy). helo, who had such a lovely friendship with him. HOSHI. don’t get me started on hoshi. i might cry.
Never say goodbye, always say I’ll see you later. He had never lived like this before. He had always been sure to say goodbye. He never knew if he would see them again. He had been the one in danger then. It was him leaving. He hadn’t said goodbye to Zak. There had been no reason to. He was training. There had been no real danger. There is always danger he had learned. Always say goodbye. I could be the last time you see the ones you love.
After the end of the world everything had changed. It was her now, Madam President, Laura. He was living in constant fear that every time he saw her it would be the last time. Something would happen while he was away and he would never see her smile again. They would call him to sick bay, but it would be too late. She would already be gone. If she would allow it he would never leave her side. He knew better than to ask. He knew what she would say. She needed him to lead their people, take them home and hold everything together. “Even when it’s falling apart” he would add. “Even when I’m falling apart” he would keep to himself. He always said “I’ll see you later.” In my quarters, in sick bay, in CIC, in the wardroom, in the maze of halls. I will see you.
“You will,” she would always reply, as if she knew exactly what he was thinking. She probably did. It wouldn’t be the first time she could read his thoughts. She was reassuring him. Promising, as long as it was under her control, that he would be seeing her later. In the maze of halls, in the wardroom, in CIC, in his quarters, she would do her best to make sure it wasn’t in sick bay. He would see her.
In the darkness of his quarters when the day was done, she would tell him that even on her final day it wouldn’t be goodbye. It may be a year, 10 or even 20, but she would see him later. She would be one of those waiting for him on the shore, waiting for his ship to come sailing in, waiting with Zak, his mother and anyone else he had loved that had gone before him. All waiting to welcome him to the rest of their immortal lives.
He’d simply smile. He didn’t believe they would meet again, or he hadn’t in the past, she knew that. Too many things had happened to make him doubt the existence of the gods or even the one God of the Cylons. Now he wanted to believe for her. He wanted to believe that after their last “I’ll see you later,” when she didn’t respond “You will,” he would just have to wait a little longer to see her again. It might seem like forever until that day came, but when it did nothing would ever separate them again.
So he never says goodbye, always says I’ll see you later.
A simple phrase, said in passing. It was amazing she had heard it at all. There was so much going on around them, his face buried in some report, she had already turned to go, but it stopped her in her tracks. She turned back to him, hoping her face remained neutral. His head was still down, he seemed completely unaware of what he had just said. She took a quick survey of those around him, but they too had their heads buried in their work.
“Bill?”
“Yeah?” He replied, briefly raising his head to make eye contact; his face betraying nothing.
Maybe she had imagined it. There had been times lately when she had had difficulty determining what was real and what was only in her head. She shook her head, trying to clear it.
“Nothing. I’ll see you later.” She wave him back to his work.
“Yeah, okay.” He simply replied, though there was a confused look that passed over his face as he spoke. She could feel his eyes following her out the hatch and could practically see him shaking his head at her.
For the rest of the day it was on her mind. Not front and center, but hanging there just around the edges, waiting for a quiet moment to remind her. It wasn’t that she believed that those words could never come out of Bill Adama’s mouth, far from it. She was sure he had probably said that at some point in the last few months, but when they were alone, Bill and Laura, not The Admiral and The President in the middle of the CIC.
The Admiral and The President tried to carry on as if nothing were wrong, nothing had changed. They pretended that she wasn’t dying with no hope of survival this time. Bill and Laura knew it was only a matter of time, her treatment could only extend her life so far. There would be a point when she would no longer be able to function. They were making the most of the time they had left.
Meetings done for the day and nothing else to keep her mind active, she mused as she made her way to his cabin instead of the small room that she had been given onboard when Cottle had insisted on keeping her close for medical reasons. “Remember your nap” It echoed in her head as she made her way through his darkened cabin. She did try to make time to a least rest every afternoon. Most of the time she ended up on the couch with a few reports to keep her company. Her eyes never really closed. It helped to be able to put her feet up and let a few of her cares fall to the wayside for a few minutes.
Today was a day to indulge though. She bypassed the couched she usually curled into the corner of and made her way straight to the rack. If he was going to remind her to take her nap, she was going to take full advantage and take a real one today. He wouldn’t be home for a bit yet if everything went well. A little time for herself before their ‘dinner meeting’; just another of his excuse to keep an eye on her and make sure she was eating.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she heard the hatch open and close carefully, as it could never be done quietly. He was moving about the cabin, maybe in search of her or maybe on his way to his desk to complete the never ending reports they were presented with. She was loath to open her eyes, now that they had been closed, to find out. He was getting closer, the volume of his shuffling increasing, then she felt the mattress by her hip sag and a familiar hand wrap around her calf.
“Took a real nap today? A thumb started to wander.
She reached out and took hold of his wrist before slowly opening her eyes.
“I figured I should make the time today, since it was so important to you.”
The question was written on his face, there was no need to speak it aloud.
“Since you felt the need to remind me to take my nap in the middle of the CIC this morning in front of everyone, I wanted to be in bed when you got home.”
His face still showed his confusion. She could see him trying to remember everything that had happened that morning, going over each moment of their conversation and still coming up with nothing.
“It was just as I was about to leave. I’m sure you had no idea what you were saying. You were very preoccupied.” Her own thumb started to wander.
He started to speak, but she cut him off, knowing an apology was on its way.
“It’s okay. I’m sure no one heard. I wasn’t sure I really did.” She slid her hand up to his bicep and gave a little tug. “Come. I’m sure The Admiral could use a nap too. Dinner can wait.”
For a minute she was sure he was going to refuse. Then she felt a tap on her knee, a silent request to make room for him behind her. It was always a tight squeeze with them both, but once he had settled and drawn her back to his chest, she let out a deep sigh of contentment. She felt lips pressed to the back of her head.
“Just for a few minutes.” He rumbled behind her. “Dinner is important and there is still work to be done unfortunately.”
“Just enjoy it Bill. I know I am.”
@fracktastic – Since you asked!
All my BSG fic, now over on AO3!
Hope you enjoy!
