declan’s belief that matthew was dreamt to make up for him is absolutely essential to his relationship with matthew. declan saw that ronan was unsatisfied with how boring and unhappy declan was, and then all of a sudden, ronan’s dreamt a new baby brother who’s always happy and loves to play with him. this can be seen clearly in cdth, when declan says “it was not that [matthew] was stupid. it was more that he had a deliberate absence of intellectual skepticism” and wonders if it was purposefully dreamt into matthew.
happiness (or lack thereof) and duty are also very tied together for declan—he’s under the impression that he has to sacrifice things that would bring him joy in order to protect his family. in cdth, he says that “matthew was so happy that declan found he would do anything to keep him that way.” and since matthew’s his supposed opposite, he feels that it’s matthew’s duty to be happy. in mi, declan says that he “had put his identity crises on hold multiple times. matthew had only been asked to do it once.” matthew’s happiness is directly tied to declan’s sacrifice of happiness. so if matthew’s unhappy, declan tells himself it’s because he’s not working hard enough, because otherwise he’ll have to accept the fact that all the sacrifices he’s made were unnecessary.
while declan clings onto the idea that matthew was dreamt to be loving, because it protects him from having to accept the fact that his mother loved him but didn’t protect him, matthew’s honestly a lot more emotionally advanced. he’s clued into this dynamic that they’ve been shoved into, which declan upholds, and has begun to question it. in mi, he says to declan that “you just think i’m stupider than [jordan]” and “i want to know what you’re doing. what you’re like, you know, thinking.” in the same chapter, declan notes that matthew’s been paying close attention to their conversations about sweetmetals. he actively wants to be involved in declan’s life as a person, not an object or a pet or an anchor (things that declan’s treatment of him makes him feel like, as said in chapter 26) and the search for sweetmetals.
matthew’s concern over their lack of communication appears again in the same chapter, when he says that “declan didn’t say he was happier, but he clearly was happier. it made matthew feel kind of bad inside. enormously bad inside. he didn’t know why.” declan’s secretiveness and unhappiness have been staples of matthew’s childhood, so seeing declan suddenly happy, combined with the secrets, and matthew’s lack of schooling or career—mathew feels like declan’s happiness is coming at his expense, and he doesn’t like it. he shouldn’t like it! he and declan have switched places a little, which is beginning to help matthew understand declan a bit better.
in the same chapter, he describes the times he would sit in the car with declan after buying milk from the convenience store for up to an hour, saying nothing while declan silently stared into space. “matthew never once asked him why they were sitting there or what declan was thinking about or if he hated everything about his life.” their lack of communication makes him feel hurt and ignored, because declan is leaving him out of the loop, but he’s also beginning to feel like he’s not doing enough to reach out either. he wants to talk to declan, but has no idea how. but he wants to feel trusted, and declan’s not giving him anything that’d make him feel that way, because he’s too busy trying to protect matthew. declan wants an equal… matthew’s right there, if he lets him in.
blue lily, lily blue — there is no good word for the opposite of lonesome. one might be tempted to suggest togetherness or contentment, but the fact that these two other words bear definitions unrelated to each other perfectly displays why lonesome cannot be properly mirrored. it does not mean solitude, nor alone, nor lonely, although lonesome can contain all of those words in itself. lonesome means a state of being apart. of being other. alone-some. adam was not always alone, but he was always lonesome. he knew he was different since aligning himself more tightly with the ley line this summer. he was himself, but more powerful. himself, but less human.
no fucking clue if im gonna colour this blah blah blah you know that scene in dream thieves when declan shows up and ronan pretends to be asleep until declan comes back bursts into the camaro and scares ronan so bad he forgets to pretend to be sleeping? yeah
@fantasysociety game 06 | archetypes ↳ richard gansey iii: the explorer.
More than anything, the journal wanted. It wanted more than it could hold, more than words could describe, more than diagrams could illustrate. Longing burst from the pages, in every frantic line and every hectic sketch and every dark-printed definition. There was something pained and melancholy about it.
you wanna go where your shit’s at. that’s where you go. you know it’s gonna be there, in that place. don’t let it know you’re there. it’ll change on you if you do. you’ve gotta be in and out, lynch. like a motherfucking thief.
