#black future matter

Getting to a new normal.

At first I was focused on feeling like “my old self” but I’m learning that there is no going back to her. I’ve faced so many dark times and 2015 and 2016 thus far has been by far the darkest. I never felt pain like this before, and it sent me into a slump of depression. I’m not ashamed to admit that at all. Mental health in Black communities is a serious issue. So many people reading this will probably say “That’s personal. She shouldn’t be sharing that.” Well my response is, if you really knew me you would know that I’m an open book and I believe in expressing my truth no matter how ugly. When I lost my mother, I felt as though I lost pieces of myself. It was very hard for me to explain and articulate it to others. I was graduating from college and was not sure if any of my future goals would become true. I finally went back to therapy to address past sexual trauma and violence. I fell in love, had expectations and was hurt in the worst way possible. I stopped attending church for a period, because I just had no idea who I was or who I was about to become.

Well here I am now and one of my newest friends said to me, “I am so happy to see you grow. You seem so much more confident compared to when I first met you.” That’s so true. The Lord and my ancestors had me doing so much work to try to get to a better standing with MYSELF. I was ready to feel the confidence I used to feel, but this was an evolution. I’ll never be the same again, and this is beautiful because at 24 years old I should never be the same person who I was before.

An 18 year old spoke to me the other day and asked me for advice. She said that she was afraid that she could never get used to the darkness that she has experienced in her life and I told her that she didn’t have to. She said, “How do you cope with the darkness.” I told her that I owned it as my truth. I told her that I took my darkness and asked God and my ancestors to help me channel it into something else… Light. Don’t let my darkness define me or swallow me whole.

1 Samuel 17, Isaiah 60:1 and Job 3:26 helped me.

So I asked for complete darkness, so that when it came time to marvel at God’s grace and goodness, as well as the plan for my life that it would radiate and swallow the darkness right up.

After this discussion with her I had to really think about what I told her. My future is so bright and I’m proud that this African woman now knows that.