OKAY SO im really obsessed with goodbye to you i think genuinely it is the best use of any music including original score or any other song at the bronze in the entire show and that is stiff fucking competition and what it does SO WELL is that the specific lines that overlay each moment are so???? specifically resonant to each dynamic it’s talking about while the song as a whole thematically ties together the themes of this episode and then this season and then this whole series anddjfkldsf;>???? ok. but specifically:
ive been searching deep down in my soul. words that im hearing are starting to get old. feels like im starting all over again. the last three years were just pretend– over this shot of buffy at the bronze.
and just!!!!!!! buffy in omwf: “i can’t even see if this is really me” // buffy in dead things: “ There has to be [something wrong with me]. This isn’t me. This can’t be me.” and the way that’s the tension of this season. that this isnt the real buffy. that she came back wrong. but this lyric!!! puts it all into shattering context!!!! the last three years were just pretend. the mentally ill fear that maybe the good times weren’t you after all. maybe this is your true self!!
buT!!! it juts up against the theme of this episode!!! tabula rasa can’t stop talking about how there isno true self there’s only the self!!!! change is constant and we are constant in that we are always ourselves and those selves are always changing. feels like im starting all over again!!! bargaining not as a resurrection or an undeath but as a rebirth. bargaining as all those things at once. she’s starting all over again. s5 is a perfect hero’s death. a perfect ending to a story. and now the story is over and there’s just life. justin that sentence functining as both endless possibility and freedom and also fear and imprisonment and also. life. this is all we have. this self is all we have.
closing my eyes and it seems that i can’t live a day without you. closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away. to a place where i am blinded by the light. but it’s not right.–
and just. fdkjsdkfl the whole giles tension of this episode. he’s blinded by the light. giles with no memories and only instinct wants to be a father. he acts as a father to randy/spike the whole episode with a mixture of tentativeness but also genuine affection. literally “i can’t live a day without you” and what does it feel like to be a parent away from their child. can giles really live away from buffy? could that be called livingfor him? you chase my thoughts away it’s just. it’s so simple and so plain and he wants so badly to be her father and he is so afraid of it and im going to combust.
the one thing that i tried to hold onto . and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. i want what’s yours and i want what’s mine . i want you but im not giving in this time.
just. JUST. I WANT WHAt’S YOURS AND I WANT WHAt’S MINE. IT HURTS TO WANT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME. buffy wanting to experience life through spike and experience her own desire. and also wanting to experience oblivion and self destruction through spike. and it’s both of those at once and that feeling like Nothing also because of her self hatred for wanting a soulless vampire. you’re a thing. an evil disgusting thing. and he’s also EVERYTHING and also it’s the fundamental tension and interplay of their kiss in the omwf coda i died so many years ago but you can make me feel /i touch the fire and it freezes me this isnt real but i just wanna feel and the way they both are so ensconced in death and for both of them being with each other is about breaking out of that feeling of death. life as everything and death as nothing. spuffy in gone free of this life. / got another word for that, pet. dead. kjdkfjsdfklsjfkljfkldsfjkldsfjlk s6 about the work of wanting to live again and they find it through each other. buffy’s death wish!!! buffy’s suicidal ideation!!! im!!!
also i find it interesting that the tillow shots for the most part just get the chorus? goodbye to you. goodbye to everything that i knew. you were the one i loved. the one thing that i tried to hold onto.which makes so much sense of course for their whole arc. dflkjsdklf i cant explain it in more words than that that’s just literally what theyre both feeling right now.
but also specifically this show of tara over the words “goodbye to everything that I knew!” and im so!!!! about how tara’s first lines when they wake up are about her excitment that theyre in a magic shop. how among other things this episode is about terrible dads. how this episode is also about how trauma and desire and emotion and intuition are still with them. and this shot makes me think about how this isnt the first time tara’s done this. left home. left everything she knew, because she knew she needed and deserved more. and just!! TARA MACLAY IS SO BRAVE AND DESERVES THE WORLD AND I LOVE HER. also something about how family and tabula rasa are both magic box centric episodes. like btvs doesnt have any bottle episodes but those come kinda close. also episodes that revolve around one of the witch characters casting a spell on everyone else to change their perception. im just!!! sister episodes actually!!!! yeah!!!!!!! aaaah!!!!!!!!!
how this shot of willow getsthe one thing that i tried to hold onto and it does break my heart bc the feeling of this episode is so totally that she is out of control but in this quiet runaway train inertia way she cant stop. she DID try to hold onto tara. but she didnt know how. she never Could have, not at this stage of her life. and !!!!! aaadjkl:F
goodbye to you. goodbye to everything that i knew. you were the one i loved.
and THEN. spuffy gets THESE LINES. which have always made me insane. bc first of all, when we connect back to the lines buffy first had, i always read thisusage of “goodbye to you” as her talking to herself. she is saying goodbye to the self she understood and saying hello to a new self. literally embracing her shadow. literally s6 is about what does it meant to know yourself. the old rules don’t apply the story is over. literally goodbye to everything that i knew. the shadow as the underbelly. they are kissing under the shadow of the stairs where spike bared his story to her in fool for love, a night that changed them forever, and now theyre changing again, always changing. and JUST??? ending on you were the one i loved. /????? the fact that spike is buffy and buffy is spike and she is kissing her shadow. buffy hates herself and feels like she’s dying but her shadow LOVES HER and she is coming to the part of her that will always love her. under the stairs. conscious self and unconscious self. but ALSO you were the one i loved. like. this is a breakup song but it’s also a song fulfilling so many narrative functions at once and it ends on you were the one i loved. ends on spuffy kissing. literally it’s just!! it’s such a brilliant song it’s doing so many things it says spuffy is in love and they are afraid of each other and themselves but all they can do is cast off into this dark night together.
:))))) im not proofreading this post just so u know i feel so insane right now :)))) but also :))) ive loved this episode for literally. 11 years. and i have loved this scene for 11 years and . tbh im feeling kind of emotional like every time i watch this scene i think abt this and to write it down now :)))) holy holy holy!!! to talk about the stories we love is holy!!! sfjksfl ive always wanted to write this post that is corny but it is true.
