#criminal minds headcanons

LIVE

Cos I was feeling sad and burnt out, so let’s spread some positivity. Right, this list could either be really long or really short, so we shall see how it goes.
He hates brushing his own hair, but he’s really good at styling it because when he was a kid, he loved brushing his mom’s hair and he always wanted to tie it up for her
It means that if one of the women/Reid depending on what season it is, doesn’t feel like it, he’ll take their brush and brush their hair for them (he’s always very gentle when he does it)
Whenever Reid does physics magic in the bullpen, Hotch asks him to either come over and show Jack, or to teach him how to do it so that he can show Jack
He hates the sound of silence, so he hums to himself whilst doing household tasks/paperwork because it helps him ground himself but because he has a kid, sometimes it’s The Beatles, other times it’s Baby Shark
When Jack came out to him, he completely froze because he wanted to be supportive without being patronising so instead of saying: “Thank you for telling me” or “I’m proud of you for telling me, is there anything you’d like me to start or stop doing” he said: “Shit I’m not equipped for this I’m phoning Emily” because that was his thought
He’s actually very good at singing, but he doesn’t want anyone knowing (that completely fails because he sings in the shower. Every time. Without fail.)
He loves Taylor Swift (Haley’s influence) and if you caught him at the right moment, then he has a whole ten pages about how she’s amazing and about how every time he sees someone unlearn the internalised misogyny that usually sparks the hatred of her, he just feels really happy
As much as he claims to not care, he really loves cats. And dogs. And animals. Like, if he’s sad, he’ll knock on Penny’s office door and they’ll watch cute videos together
He thinks fairy lights are the best decorations ever- him and Derek both have them up in their offices and anyone that has a problem can take it up with either them or Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia
Sometimes, after cases that hit closer to home, or were more difficult, he’ll slip a note into the person that feels worse (it’s always a really simple: You belong here. You did your best. You are loved, and you are enough)
Period dramas that feature masquerades/some kind of ball and a good enemies to lovers arc are his comfort movies because they’re so predictable and he loves the costumes
Valentine’s Day is one of his favourite holidays just because he likes to take Jack to the park so they can people-watch (as a teenager, Jack provides backstory on all of them and sometimes asks Hotch to profile innocent things about them
He makes the best hot drinks. You need tea? Get Hotch. You want a good coffee? Get Hotch. You’re craving hot chocolate? Get Hotch.
He loves to read fiction. It doesn’t matter what genre or what age group, he just loves it and he always cracks the spine/scribbles his own thoughts on the pages
Anastasia is his comfort movie, and he can recite the maze scene from memory, and he knows all the songs (his favourite scene is the boat dance scene)
If Garcia and/or Reid got married, they asked him to walk them down the aisle and he started crying
So remember how Jack plays soccer? Cos I do. Hotch becomes the cool parent that all of the kids want to be like. They go to their own parents and are like: Mr Aaron said that if we eat our fruit, then we can see his special FBI work? Isn’t that cool? And Mr Aaron is just like: no, no I did not say that oh Jesus Christ, Dave can you keep an eye on them whilst I run back to the car?
Also, sometimes he worries that his views are too out of date and not modern enough, so at least once a month he’s at Emily’s apartment whilst she tries to teach him about modern things, even though he’s a very accepting of everyone
There have been multiple points over the course of his time at the BAU where he thought two people that were dating were not dating, and in an attempt to demonstrate his support, he accidentally caused a workplace relationship seminar (Twice.)
He’s not proud of it, but he knows all the words to Better Than Revenge, and there are multiple videos of him doing it at karaoke night which for some unknown reason (Garcia’s meddling) cannot be deleted