#deescalation

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In online disagreements, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one making an effort to be nice. Like you’re working hard to talk respectfully, but everyone else keeps sabotaging you.

Image: Aqua person: Calm down, it’s okay. All I’m saying is that I believe doorknobs exist. Purple person: Calm down? You’re telling us to calm down like we’re out of control? How condescending is that? Aqua person: I didn’t mean it in a condescending way. I just want to understand why you think doorknobs don’t ex – Pink person: Oh, we “think” doorknobs don’t exist? Look buddy, we’re in on the fact that doorknobs don’t exist. Ever heard of a fact before? Aqua person: I give up. I can’t be nice to you jerks anymore. You make it impossible!

All people have to do is be a tiny bit civil. That shouldn’t be complicated, right?

The thing is, it’s pretty complicated.

Here are a few examples of how you might try to convey respect in choosing your words:

empathizing with other people’s thoughts and feelings
not making assumptions about people’s thoughts and feelings
avoiding swearing & overly casual language
avoiding pompous, academically elite language
being straightforward & honest
refraining from saying negative things
carefully avoiding statements with any kind of subtle bigotry
not walking on eggshells with someone just because you have privileges they don’t
refraining from logical fallacies and generalizations
refraining from nitpicking and hair-splitting

See how this can get a little… contradictory? Differences in how you prioritize these things can alienate people who grew up in the same household.

Now imagine folks from radically different social circles, religious backgrounds, and countries, all trying to correctly guess what everyone else will read as respectful. That’s the internet on a good day. We can all work hard to treat each other right, and it can still blow up in our faces.

People on both sides can take measures to de-escalate a conflict, and it can escalate anyway because they perceive the conflict differently.

Image: Green person: Wow, you are committed to this idea that doorknobs don’t exist. You’re a real *%@#, you know that? Blue person, thinking: A *%@#? he called me a *%@#?! Fine. That’s okay. I’ll take the high road and not call him any names. Blue person: You just don’t think anyone who disagrees with you is worth listening to. You know that if you admitted doorknobs don’t exist, you’d have to help the people affected by this issue. You don’t want to be bothered! Green person, thinking: Wow, she’s getting pretty nasty. But I’ll take the high road and not presume to tell her what she’s thinking.

Image: Green person: I don’t know why you’re being such a #$*% about this. Doorknobs are all over the place, and you’d have to be @#*# not to see them. Blue person: You’re just trying to intimidate me and silence my opinions! You wish people like me were dead so we’d stop telling the truth! Green person: WHAT? That’s %*$#! Everything you’re saying is such %*$#!Both people, thinking agrily: Darn it, I’m the only one working to keep this conversation civil!

This can leave you feeling frustrated, self-righteous, and put-upon. All dry kindling in the world of flame wars.

It helps to figure out what exactly makes you feel respected. Then you can ask people to treat you the way you want, in a specific and constructive way.