#discrimination tw
hello friends! just wanted to talk about how things are going. this post will discuss psychiatric hospitalization, discrimination, abandonment, self harm, and my recent su*cide attempt. please keep that in mind and take care of yourselves!
before i do though, thank you so much for all your kind words of support during this time. i think one of the biggest contributing factors leading up to my attempt was feeling as if the universe was telling me to give up, that i could never do anything good for anyone. seeing how many people have found comfort and joy in this blog is very validating in all honesty. when i made this blog in 2016, i didn’t know it would gain such a following and i would meet so many incredible people. thank you so much.
as many of you know, i recently attempted su*cide (and i would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling narcan! /jk) and was hospitalized. since then, i’ve been slowly getting back to a place where i’m not in danger. i’m still acclimating to life again, but i’ve enrolled in a phlebotomy class and graduate in february. i also plan to finish my degree and start college once again in the fall.
during my time in the hospital, i did experience some discrimination with one of the staff. basically, i told her a little bit about what was going on (losing my job bc my boss falsely accused me of stealing, struggling in school, being shit talked, lied to, and abandoned by people who said they were my friends) and she said that i should work at mcdonalds because it would ‘teach me how to work hard’. then said that su*cide is a sin and i would’ve gone to hell if i had died. then said that i really didn’t want to die. THEN said i just needed to ‘apply myself’ and that i was selfish…. GIRL WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED—
i didn’t actually scream, but i did have a panic attack and start scratching the hell out of my arm. now i have a gnarly scar there. also she called her supervisor and said i was giving her attitude because i was hyperventilating and wouldn’t pray with her. girl.
anyways, since coming out of the hospital, i won’t lie, not much in my life has gotten better. i’m still stuck with very abusive parents. my ptsd has worsened to the point that it feels beyond repair. efforts to make friends in real life have been unsuccessful, and part of that is because i now feel that i’m incapable of being anything more than the comedian. i feel more unlovable than ever. but i’m trying to change that. i’m actively making the changes i need to get better and maybe it’s helping. i dunno. there are days when i feel good, but most days i just feel empty. we’ll get there. eventually.
thanks for reading this, if you still are. much love to you all!
maple
