#dismorphia

Over the 30+ years of my life, I have struggled with a disconnect between what I think I look like and what I see in the mirror. 

My internal image of me is so different from the person I see in the mirror, to the point that sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and have to think for a moment to realize, it is my image, not someone else looking at me. I go on to put on my makeup to make “that person” look nice. Don’t get me wrong, I like that person. But she is not me. 

In my minds eye, my face is different, my body looks different (though still female), my entire manner of movement is different.

I hate taking pictures of myself, because not only they feel like they are not of me, but they don’t even resemble my friend from the mirror.  

I have thought about it a lot, whether it is a side effect of all my astral work, whether I am getting a glimpse of the soul that lies within the body, or whether it is simply a mental problem. 

I don’t know. I know that I have to get used to the person I see through contraptions outside of me, like mirrors and cameras, to stop getting startled whenever I have a glimpse of “myself”. 

Yet I also want to experience the feeling of: “Yes, this is the true me.” through those same means. To feel seen in my true form. To know, that others can see what I truly look like, and for me to be able to see the same.