I am “approval-based.” I am a very, very kinky Sir. And, I can’t imagine why I would need to use punishment, discipline or disapproval.
There is a huge market for stern disciplinarians. My wish is that they all get exactly what they are seeking. I’m just not that guy.
When I express a desire, my subs SNAP into position, and make it so. When I say “Excellent work, slave. I am satisfied”, I know that they would turn heaven and earth upside down for further praise and validation.
They wag their pretty tails. A LOT.
The key is authenticity. I would never, ever disrespect a sub by bullshitting him. I don’t blow smoke up his kilt. If something is valuable, praiseworthy and satisfying, I have a goal of never letting that moment pass unremarked.
If something that I need to say is
• True,
• Necessary, and
• Kind,
I say something about it, RIGHT NOW. I don’t let it pass unremarked.
A lot of that philosophy has roots in my own past traumas. I have been to too many AIDS funerals (two or three a week, for years) where I was feeling horrid because I had never TOLD that man how important he was in my life.
I made up my mind a long time ago to be as transparent as water… To share my own blessings, and to never hold back when it comes time to bless others. I am sure that some people were creeped-out by such unusual behavior. I accept that.
However, the vast majority of folks are starved for somebody who can give them permission to be just as positive and life-affirming. This work just as well in kinky relationships, with strangers on the street, and in every other kind of interpersonal dynamic.
Sure - there are folks who won’t buy what you’re selling. That’s fine. The goal is not to please EVERYONE. That way lies madness. Just be clear with who you are, and make a choice to be the best human being that you can be. That way lies popularity.
SO MUCH THIS !!
We so rarely see examples of praise & reward based dynamics vs the disciplinarians these days - especiallyon tumblr…..
It’s almost like trying to find an otherwise ‘fairly typical man’ that’s not into being hairless or sissified, degraded or humiliated, a man that is a well-hung, sexual top and yet also a submissive masochist that desires only to please and give pleasure as a means of receiving it.
I am VERY lucky that I and My slave found one another, and I am beyond thankful for that every day.
Tumblr porn emphasizes pain play, often presented as a form of ‘punishment’, even though many of the subs enjoy the pain and don’t see it as something to be avoided. If your knowledge of bdsm draws heavily on porn and crap writing like 50 Shades, you’d never realize that many doms don’t use punishment at all and that there’s a debate about whether and how to use punishment as a training tool. Papa Tony explains how affirmation and praise can be used as a training tool instead.
My SIR uses praise 95% of the time, but He paddles or straps me too when He deems it necessary. I need to FEEL Him exerting His authority at times, and His doing so has increased genuine intimacy betweem us.
A dominant is a man who is worthy of admiration because he behaves in a way that generates that awe and respect. Not because he simply exists. Being that worthy dom is not a destination, it is a path through life and while it is always harder to live your ideals than to espouse them the bonus is the worthwhile submissives who walk that path along side you.
