#dr jessica taylor
“Maya contacted me for advice and support after her five-year-old daughter, Emilia, spontaneously disclosed that her dad, Martin, had been sexually abusing her and taking photos of her genitals on his ‘special camera’. This would be a horrible, devastating shock to any mother, but it was made even more complicated and harrowing because several years earlier, Martin’s ex-girlfriend, Debbie, had frantically tried to warn Maya that he was a sex offender, and was abusing his then infant daughter.
Debbie had split from Martin and had tracked Maya down to tell her that he was a sex offender. Debbie was an experienced medical professional working in a hospital in the nearby city and had no reason to lie. However, Martin successfully convinced Maya that his ex was a ‘psycho’, a ‘bunny boiler’ and a ‘crazy ex’ who had remained obsessed with him since he broke it off with her. Debbie had a different story though, and tried to tell Maya that he was a violent and abusive man with a sexual interest in infant girls. She said she had tried to report him to the police but nothing had happened.
Maya was initially horrified and frightened, but Martin assured her that Debbie was delusional and obsessed. Debbie didn’t stop, though. “She turned up at my workplace, and Emilia’s school. She wrote letters and emails to me. Martin became more and more angry with her and encouraged me to report her to the police for harassment and stalking. After months of her not leaving me alone, she stopped and was warned by the police and given a restraining order.”
You can imagine Maya’s devastation when her daughter disclosed a couple of years later the exact thing Debbie had tried to tell her. By this point, Debbie’s testimony meant absolutely nothing – she was framed as a crazy, obsessed ex with a restraining order. Who was going to believe her? Maya couldn’t use her in criminal or family court because she herself had sought to prosecute her for her behaviour years earlier. Maya then found herself in the same shoes as Debbie, trying to report the abuse of her daughter whilst Martin left her for another woman and convinced her that Maya was his crazy, bitch, psycho ex who lied about him abusing his daughter for no reason. Suddenly, Maya was the crazy ex, and the new woman who quickly became pregnant with Martin’s second daughter was so scared of Maya that she would never speak to her, open the door to her or go anywhere physically near her (because she was so utterly crazy, who knew what she would do to the new woman in Martin’s life)
Keeping all of his exes apart by convincing them all that the others are crazy, obsessed psychos was a touch of genius – and worked wonders when the police came knocking. He easily turned the entire investigation on its head, to frame his exes as scheming, manipulative, calculated psychopaths who lie about him abusing his beloved daughter. In this particular case, Maya was subjected to months of psychiatric and psychological assessments which he demanded– and naturally, she was ‘found’ to be mentally ill, emotionally unstable, delusional, dangerous to her daughter; and Emilia was sadly removed from her custody and given to Martin and his new partner days before Christmas Day 2020.
“I told the police and social services because I thought I was supposed to. Now, they say these are all my own mental issues and issues from my childhood being projected onto Emilia and that I’m a perpetrator of ‘family violence’ because I am ‘projecting’ on to her. They even said I abused Emilia by letting her be interviewed by police and by the social worker. But I had no choice – I had to let them interview her.”
Maya, like many other women, found herself in the catch-22 where she would be pathologised and scrutinised if she didn’t report the abuse of her child, but would also be pathologised and scrutinised if she did. If she doesn’t report, she’s neglectful and dangerous. If she does report, she’s delusional and malicious. If she continues to report, she’s coaching her child. If she argues back, she’s mentally ill.
One of the most common stereotypes of a mentally ill woman is that of the crazy, obsessed ex-girlfriend (a story almost always told by men who claim to have done absolutely nothing wrong, but all of their exes are ‘psycho’). As an aside, I believe it is generally a huge red flag when men work hard to convince you that all of their exes are ‘psycho’ and you should not listen to anything they say. This is a common tactic used against women and girls who have tried to report or disclose abuse or harm. Framing a woman like this makes her instantly unreliable and discredited, which is deliberate, because whatever she might have to say is probably of great importance.”
Sexy But Psycho, Jessica Taylor
