#dreams tw

Tw trauma, dreams, medical trauma

But I don’t think people really understand (unless they’ve experienced it) the lengths that trauma disrupts your life, sleep, mood, etc and how your brain constructs different realities in response to that through dreams.

For me, from medical trauma, I regularly now have dreams where I can feel my heart rate pounding and racing and I look down at my watch and see 185 blinking away, then I can’t breathe, then I start choking. I wake up and I’m only at 90 and I have to clear my throat because I have reflux.

From anxiety and agoraphobia I have dreams about going to new places or trying new things and starting to realize this and need to grab my emergency bag of electrolytes while I can feel myself hitting tachy.

From vertigo I have dreams I’m stuck in an elevator that’s broken and wonky.

From general chronic illness I regularly have dreams that I’m too fatigued to move or stay upright, or even awake in my own dreams. I can’t even walk without falling down from the fatigue.

From emetophobia I have dreams ALMOST nightly about said fear, happening to me or everyone around me.

I STILL have dreams where my mom or dad is yelling at me or telling me I’m stupid/not worthy and I wake up sobbing.

I STILL have dreams about ex friends or boyfriends where they apologize and I wake up remembering that someone out there hates me. And that I still want to be friends with them despite the way I was treated.

All through the first year of the pandemic I had dreams that no one believed I was immunocompromised, that I forgot my mask and was surrounded by sick people, or that people were coughing on me on purpose. Lots of dreams about my previous boss telling me I was worthless and overreacting and making up having a chronic illness and autoimmune diseases.

The things you say to people stick around forever. The way you treat people sticks around forever. Medical emergencies stick around forever. And knowing that your sick forever just makes it worse.

I know that not everyone deals with trauma the same way, but dreaming is so out of my control and I KNOW that I’ll experience it every night, which makes it even worse. I used to love sleeping and dreaming. But ever since chronic illness and especially new medical issues, it’s almost impossible to enjoy. And I need it to survive.

I even just have plain old body horror dreams from medical trauma or speculation about my medical future. I’ve felt myself die while bleeding out.