Han: (panicking, trying to come up with a lie): Woah there don’t shoot, uh, you can’t shoot us because—because this guy is Darth Vader’s son! You don’t want to be responsible for shooting Darth Vader’s own flesh and bone do you?”
Luke: *glares incredulously*
Stormtroopers: “That is the dumbest thing—”
Leia: (done at this point, absolutely done with this rescue, better than Han at lying) “Exactly! Why would we tell you something so phenomenally insane if it weren’t true! Why do you think Darth Vader is so obsessed with finding Rebels, huh? Call him he’ll tell you!”
Luke: (also done, much better than Han at lying): “Or you could just shoot us; I’m sure my father, Darth Vader, inventor of the lightsaber, would be thrilled to meet the men who killed his son and his son’s friends.” *waves lightsaber arrogantly*
Stormtrooper 1: “Maybe we should call this in. I mean—he’s got a lightsaber, so that’s—that’s Vader stuff anyway.”
Stormtrooper 2: “are you kidding me right now?”
Leia: *shoots them while they’re distracted*
Han: “…We’re friends?”
//
Tarkin: “The rebels said what? You incompetent fool, how could you buy such an absurdstalling—”
Vader: “My…son…”
Tarkin:
Tarkin: Oh fuck THIS.
Rebel: “General Mothma—we’re recieving a transmission—from the Death Star!
Darth Vader: This is Darth Vader—I am in command of this space station—hand over my son or I will destroy your miserable Rebel base personally.
Room Full of Miscellaneous Rebels:
Mon Mothma: “…Does anyone have something they want to tell me?”
Leia:
Luke:
Han: [in a whisper] “Stop looking at me like that!”
Mothma: “Captain Solo? Did you have…something to share with the room?”
Luke: “I think I’m going to be sick”
Han: “Uh, no your uh Senatorship. I’m done saying words. Forever.”
Leia: “Now that’s an even more moronically bold-faced lie than earlier!”
Han: “Wellexcuseme,princess, it worked didn’t?”
Luke: [slightly hysterical] “Yeah, it worked, and now Darth Vader thinks I’m his son!”
Han: “How was I supposed to know the man actually did have a long lost child?! How was anyone supposed to have guessed that?”
Chewie: “HhHHURR!”
Han: “Oh you stay out of this, I didn’t see you coming up with clever suggestions before.”
Luke: [fully hysterical] “Darth VaderKILLED my father, I can’t believe I even went along with the lie—what would Ben think of me—”
Leia: “No Luke, don’t do that yourself—this is Han’sfault”
Han: “I saved all our lives! You wanted to go into a trash compactor!”
Leia: “Becauseyouwandered onto the Death Star withno plan!”
Luke: [curling into a ball] “I just wanted to be a pilot…”
Room Full of Miscellaneous Rebels:
Mothma:
Mothma: “okay,first of all—”
Han: (being hit over the head repeatedly by Leia, while high command argues about ‘diversionary tactics’ and ‘bait’ and ‘necessary sacrifices’) “You know—the Old Man’s the one who came up with thejoke in the first place!”
Leia: “I—what?”
Luke: “Yeah but he didn’t say in front of stormtroopers!On the Death Star!”
Mothma: “I’m sorry when you say old man—whoexactlyare you referring to?”
Luke: (miserable) “It was a stupid joke that Ben—I mean Obi-Wan—made. My aunt and uncle had just—he was trying to take my mind off things but man, he really was insistent about it.
Han: “Kept repeating it. I don’t think he really got jokes, you know.”
Luke: “I mean, he was a hermit. For like, twenty years.”
Leia: “…SoObi-Wan Kenobi, told you, Luke,that your father was Darth Vader? Repeatedly? And you just. Didn’t believe him. And Vader does.”
Luke: “I—oh.Oh.But…AnakinSkywalkeris my father! Ben ALSO said Vader betrayed and murderedhim!”
Han: (placing a hand on Luke’s shoulder) “You know, you do, uh. Kind-of have to be close to someone to betray them.”
Luke: “…No. It—it can’t be true. It’s impossible!”
Mothma:Remembering Padme making snarky comments about Ventress (an extremely tall, powerful Sith/Military Leader who dropped out of the public sphere towards the end of the war) and how she couldn’t seem to keep her hands off Obi-Wan or Anakin, not that it was any of Padme’s business.
Mothma: “Did…did General Kenobi mention anything about your mother?”
Luke: “No…my aunt and uncle didn’t know who she was, either. He—he didn’t visit Tatooine much, but at my grandmother’s funeral he brought a, um, well they described her as “a fancy woman who looked like she didn’t get a lot of sun. But. That could really describe anyone, considering they were moisture farmers. Do you think—you think Vader might be…”
Darth Vader: (at the end of a very long day in which he killed his first Master, learned his child survived, and killed half the leadership of the Death Star: “…No.”
Luke: “ …No?”
Darth Vader: “No. I am your Father.Join me and together we shall—”
Luke: “I will never join you, Father. You killed Ben, and myother father! I’d rather die!”
Darth Vader: “…Your mother’s death was—a tragedy—the true blame for which rests at the feet of Kenobi.”
Luke: “I—okay I’m still mad about the murders, obviously. But I don’t want to keep dead naming or misgendering my parental figures, so before you kill me—because you’ll haveto kill me, because I’m not joining you—what name did my motherchoose for herself?And also what pronouns did Ben prefer?
Darth Vader: (shattering the floor in rage and confusion): He never told you the name of your MOTHER?!?!
Luke: “I agree that was…uncool of him.Still not an excuse for murder.”
Han:“I’m trying to respect family boundaries, but I have SO many questions.”
Stormtrooper holding Han: “Same.”
Leia: “Yeah, those two are nothaving the same conversation.”
Stormtrooper holding Leia: “Well, I think it’s great that Vader’s son is being so supportive of his parents identities.”
Leia: “I just can’t believe Obi-Wan Kenobi would be ahomophobe—I feel like we’ve made an incorrect assumption somewhere. Maybe Vader wasn’tVentress?”
Stormtrooper holding Han: “Well, you might as well ask—we’re definitely all going to be killed for overhearing this much.”
Han: “Alternate suggestion—if we sneak away while they’re shouting at each other, maybe we won’t die? The rebels are actually pretty soft on empire deserters.”
Stormtrooper holding Leia: “Shut up, I can’t hear!”
Vader: “…Idid…destroy Anakin Skywalker. He was weak and I…replacedhim.”
Luke: (confused and hysterical) “You kidnapped me? From Anakin and Padme? And then Ben kidnapped me back? Are you insane? That doesn’t make me your son! Not that it matters anyway!”
Vader: “Youaremy son—reach out to the force, you knowit to be true!”
Leia: “Padmé Amidala Naberrie. She’s a legend. If you really do share some of her DNA—though I’m still not completely convinced Vader wasn’t lying about all or some of what he said—
Stormtrooper previously holding Leia, henceforth known as ‘Stormtrooper B’ or ‘Carl’: “Vader doesn’t really lie. He’s actually really blunt about things. Usually. I think he was pretty off today…what with the whole long lost son thing.”
Luke: “He was telling the truth, whatever the truth is. I could feel his anger…so much anger. I think—I think I might really be his son. Maybe…could Vader be Padme? Would that work?”
Stormtrooper A: “Oh gods. I—What did I DO?”
Han: (awkwardly patting Stormtrooper A on the back) “Relax kid, you done good.”
Carl: “Man, I even bet on him being human—half the guys thought he was some kindof droid. Guess they’re all dead now. So. Doesn’t really…matter.”
Leia: “I’d say I’m sorry but considering I lost my entire planet earlier today it would be a bit insincere. And Senator Amidala would never become a fascist.I still can’t believe she was willingly involved with one.”
Trooper A: “Darth Vader—he was just—and I—”
Carl: “…Let’s talk about Luke’s corellian holodrama parantage again, huh? I feel like that was a safer topic. What if Vader used to be Anakin Skywalker? ‘Killed a weaker version of myself’ sounds like the sort of thing a guy like that would say.”
Trooper A: “I’m going to die. We’re all going to—”
Han: “ENOUGH ALREADY! You hit Darth Vader in the back of the head! We get it! You wanted to live! We all wanted to live! Rebels will probably give you a medal! But news flash—this ship is too small for four people and if you don’t shut up, Iwillspace you.”
Leia: “Can you not yell in my ear?”
Han: “Oh,excuse me your highness, I’ll just move to the other side of this one-seater tie-fighter. Oh—wait!”
Luke: “No, my father was a Jedi. Ben would have said if Anakin fell to the darkside—if he became Darth Vader. Hells, Vaderwould have said that!”
Carl: “If you say so. Neither of them seem like very clearcommunicators when it comes to this, if I’m being brutally honest.”
Leia: “Maybe we can talk with Mothma, figure it out logically. The movements of clone wars generals and Senators were both matters of public record. What’s your exactbirthday?”
Luke: “Empire Day. The actual day it started, 19 years ago.”
Leia: “Huh. That’s…an interesting coincidence.”
Luke: “Yeah. I guess.”
Leia: “No I mean—that’s mybirthday.”
Han: (sarcastically) “Maybe you’re long lost twins!”
some anthony padilla sketches, since i remembered i love him, and came back after all this time to see him with curly hair. let me know if you want me to draw ian too!
