#everything emporium

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Hi!
My name is Trash Can Michael, but you can call me Phillip!
Today I want to tell you about our special offers here at Everything Emporium!
We have everything!
And I mean everything!
Yes, even that!
But not … not that thing …
But we do have everything else … WHICH IS EVERYTHING!
Do you want a car?!
BAM!
We got that!
Do you want clothes?!
KAPOW!
We got that to the power of YES!
Do you need cats?!
Like enough cats to drown a city in their wrath for a thousand years!?
SHAZAM!
We got ‘em!
But that’s not enough!
NO, IT’S NEVER ENOUGH!
FILL THIS VOID INSIDE YOUR SOUL!
With Trees!
Cows!
Boats!
Swarms of insects!
Clippings of hair!
This knife!
A picture of me crying alone!
We have it all!
Why aren’t you here right now throwing money at me in exchange for material possessions that you stupidly believe you need in your life!?
LAMPS!
Remember boys and girls, and whatever the hell that thing with the 5 mouths is, come on down to Everything Emporium!
My name is Michael, so call me Phillip, except today, today call me Susan!
MY NAME IS SUSAN!