#fuck this year

fucking shit, 2021, you are NOT allowed to have my favorite cousin too, back the fuck off, you took my father, you took my marriage, you took my mother’s closest cousin, you CANNOT HAVE MY FAVORITE COUSIN, I WILL NOT LOSE HIM TO COVID TOO

The continuing proof of 2021 is the worst year: waking up to mom sobbing because our cousin, her best friend, died in her sleep.

I’ll be okay. I’m more worried about mom than anything, even though I’ll miss our cousin, just. When the fuck will this year stop?

4 PM on New Year’s Eve.

I used to feel

like an outsider

looking in,

surrounded by

people

I didn’t belong

with, didn’t

know, didn’t want

to know. Now

—

I’m on the inside

looking out

dreaming of

a different time,

a better time,

scared of

strangers,

a meek little

housewife

terrified of disease

despite being

riddled with them.

—

“I dont belong

anywhere,”

I say to the ache

in my bones

and the memories

I carry around

tucked away

inside my heart

that I refuse to

unfold.

—

How did I become this?

I glance at the clock.

Only eight more hours

to go.

I am being so pathetic rn but at this point I don’t even care.