#funky town
Doug is excited about something finally happening. His best friend from Bloatsburg is moving to Bluffington. He says this as if it was an inevitability. Like, when Doug moved his friend was like, “I’ll be along shortly. I just have to convince my parents to find new jobs in Bluffington and then we’ll be able to hang out again.”
Anyway, Doug is rummaging through his trunk for a photo-album so he can show Skeeter a picture of Bobby Bodingo. Doug then has a fantasy as he tells Skeeter about all the fun times they had together.
Here they are reading an issue of Man O Steel Man together. Good times.
Doug says they were best friends. Skeeter feels his position is threatened and inquires further. Doug reassures him that Bobby was his old best friend, Skeeter is his current best friend, and now all three of them can be best friends together. And then Bobby shows up.
So, right away Bobby is a jerk. Doug comments on how much he’s grown. He attributes his growth to “sugar coated sugar flakes and no exercise.” He then realizes he’s overdue for a junk food break, and promptly jams a bar of chocolate in his face.
His mother asks him where his manners are, so he offers Doug some of his candy.
Theda comes outside and greets Bobby’s mom, then they walk away to catch up. Doug introduces Bobby and Skeeter. Bobby calls him Scooter, then does that annoying, “hey what’s that on your shirt?” nose flip thing that only jerks do.
Don’t be a fucking jerk. End this joke.
Bobby’s mom tells him to behave, and while Bobby is licking the candy wrapper, Doug invites him inside. Bobby throws the wrapper at Porkchop, who has been giving disapproving looks since Bobby put Doug in a headlock.
While Porkchop reads a magazine on the bed, Doug removes a toy from his trunk. Bobby gets excited by the toy, quickly grows bored with it, and throws it against the wall.
Bobby sees Doug’s Man O Steel Man poster and asks Doug if he remembers the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.
After the secret handshake, they continue reminiscing. While Doug was Quailman, Bobby was the Purple Partridge. One of their villains was Vermilion Albatross.
Vermilion Albatross’ plan involves taking all the herring bone in the world. I don’t know why he has to be in space to achieve this goal, or why it is even a plan that makes him a villain. I’m pretty sure the rest of us could go the rest of our lives without the bones of herrings. Of course, I’m assuming his plan doesn’t magically remove the bones from living herrings. It would be fairly ghoulish to take their bones too, and since doing so would also make herrings extinct, that would make him a serviceable villain. I am, perhaps, overthinking this.
Of course, Quailman and Purple Partridge are there to stop Vermilion Albatross. Only, when Quailman flies closer to fight Vermilion Albatross, Purple Partridge has disappeared. The fantasy is interrupted by reality as Bobby declares that he’s found a power helmet.
He thinks it’s the funniest thing and he’s jumping on Doug’s bed. Doug tries to get him to stop by saying he’s going to get hurt or break the bed. Fucker’s jumping on the bed, with his fucking shoes on, and Doug’s not sure that Bobby is going to get hurt? Because when he’s in the air, you push and if you’re lucky, when his head splits open, the blood doesn’t spray onto your comics.
Eventually, Bobby jumps off the bed, and he lands on a rug. His momentum makes the rug slip and he slides into Doug’s shelf.
Funniest goddamn thing Bobby ever did, apparently. It’s just a shame he didn’t get seriously injured.
Outside, Bobby is chasing Doug around the front yard, threatening to sit on him. His mother thanks Theda for making them feel so welcome. 
She says she’s hoping the move will be good for Bobby since he was having problems at his old school. Theda reassures her that Doug will look out for him.
Doug takes Bobby by Sully’s Comic & Book Nook on the way to school.
I assume they don’t go inside because it’s not open yet. There’s a really gross moment where Bobby blows a bubble with his gum, and it pops and sticks to the window of Sully’s shop. It’s gross because he just pulls most of his gum off the window and puts it back in his mouth.
At school, Chalky asks Doug if he’s going to Funky Town this weekend for the opening of the new water ride. After saying he wouldn’t miss such an event for anything, Doug introduces his pal from Bloatsburg.
As far as first impressions go, Bobby is the fucking worst. His first priority at school was buying a soda. When he meets Chalky and Fentruck, he shakes up the soda and opens it to shoot a stream into the air. 
The main stream arches into his mouth, but obviously most of the soda explodes outward, soaking Chalky, Fentruck, and Doug. No one is amused by this trick. Who would be? They are all going to be sticky and smelly for the rest of the day.
He belches in their face, crushes the can with his armpit, and throws the crushed can onto the floor.
And then it gets even worse. Doug introduces Fentruck, pointing out that he’s from Yakastonia, and before Doug can finish introducing Chalky, Bobby has a fucking joke.
“How many Yakastonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? NONE! ‘Cuz they don’t have any!”
Chalky won’t have any of that shit. He gets in Bobby’s face and says that was rude.
Bobby says, “Me? Rude? Wouldn’t dream of it!” He then belches in Chalky’s face.
“Ahhh…even sweeter the second time around.”
Chalky and Fentruck leave and Bobby calls them nice, but complains about their lack of a sense of humor. He then asks Doug where all the babes are in this school. Then he drags Doug over to where he knows they’ll be.
Doug resists and escapes as soon as possible, but the girls inside are screaming. Bobby is a sexual predator.
Outside the bathroom, while the girls inside are still screaming, Patti asks Doug, “what’s going on?” Doug doesn’t really get to explain anything before Bobby is thrown out of the bathroom by Connie and two other girls. On the floor, he jokes about how babes just can’t seem to get enough of him, so Connie throws a roll of toilet paper at his face.
Beebe demands to know who he is, and Doug tries to pretend he doesn’t know who he is by saying, “must be a new kid.” Bobby ruins this weak cover and asks Doug why he left. He says the best part is getting thrown out. 
Patti is shocked to learn Doug was in the girls’ bathroom too. Bobby tells her they’re best buddies, so they do everything together. He then says, “and I bet you’re just dying to get to know me better, riiiight?”
Nope.
This scene ends with Bobby proposing they go spit off the roof to see who they can hit.
At lunch, Bobby is a pig.
He fucking loves the cafeteria food. He says it’s great, “not like our old school.”
Skeptical, Doug asks, “you like the magic mystery meat?”
Ignoring this simple yes or no question, Bobby tells Doug to “watch this,” as he shoves his tray aside to stand on the table.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! A preview of today’s menu! Look!”
He puts everyone off their appetite and clears the cafeteria.
After school, Doug takes Bobby to Mr. Swirly for some reason. Immediately, Bobby criticizes the milkshakes for being watery. They aren’t thick like the mega monster shakes in Bloatsburg. At this point, Doug just goes along with it. As long as he’s insulting the town, he’s not personally offending all of Doug’s best friends. “Hey, look. There’s some of your other pals!”
Beebe, Skeeter, Patti, and Fentruck are enjoying themselves at a booth when Doug and Bobby approach. Doug starts to meekly ask if they can join them, but before he can even get the whole question out they start making excuses to leave.
Bobby is unfazed. He calls them snobs, then reassures Doug they’re best buddies with a hard pat on the back. An unfortunate result of that hard pat on the back is that Doug dropps his milkshake. Bobby laughs.
At home, Doug talks out his problems with Porkchop.
Porkchop is goddamn amazing. I wish I could read and listen to someone talk out their problems. I mean, Porkchop saw the changes, or maybe the lack of change, in Bobby instantly and sort of checks out to read his magazine for the rest of the episode. Doug keeps giving Bobby chance after chance. Porkchop knows.
Doug determines to spend less time with Bobby. He thinks this will force Bobby to make other friends so he can keep his. At school the next day, Doug’s plan plays out like this.
Unfortunately, Bobby joined the school band, having told them he plays horn.
Why the fuck would they let him get away with this? Did he ask to join the band when they had him in the office to punish him for invading the girls’ bathroom? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AT THIS SCHOOL‽
Some unnamed shithead with a bowl cut tells Doug to make him stop. Bobby then tells Doug he signed them up as partners for the science fair and joined the Bluffscouts!
Breaking point.
After school, Doug goes to the mall, assuming it would be the last place he’d run into Bobby. He walks in the doors, gets on the escalator, and sees Bobby at the top of the escalator. Why did Doug think he wouldn’t run into Bobby at the mall?
While Doug is running back down the up escalator, Bobby gets on the down escalator. I guess he’s just riding the fucking things up and down. He is a true shithead. Doug sees him coming down and ducks. Somehow this works. Later, Doug hears a “psst” and turns to see Bobby hiding with some mannequins. 
Bobby laughs so hard he loses his balance and falls on top of Doug. His fall knocks down the mannequins as well. They are kicked out of the mall and told not to return. 
Bobby thinks this whole experience was great. He says he was glad he moved to Bluffington so they’ll be together forever and ever. Doug has a fantasy about this.
In a retirement home, Quailman is sitting in a rocking chair, enjoying the view. Purple Partridge ruins the serenity.
Purple Partridge proposes they start a food fight at Millet King. Quailman says they closed. Purple Partridge gets another “power helmet” and suggest they go to a movie to make rude noises at the mushy parts.
Quailman says all the movie theaters closed too. Purple Partridge proposes ringing the doorbells of local superheroes then running away. Quailman says they moved too. Even Quaildog. They all moved to get away from Purple Partridge. Why didn’t Quailman?
Oh, it’s the Man O Steel Man Lifetime Friendship Oath. Doug took that oath, and what kind of person would he be if he broke that promise in the face of sexual predation and extreme rudeness excused as humor?
So finally, it’s the weekend. The new ride at Funky Town is called Maelstrom of Madness.
Everyone is glad Doug is Bobby-free.
My favorite joke here comes from Fentruck: “In Yakastonia, we are having a saying about people like Bobby. It is, 'go away.’” Doug tells everyone to forget about Bobby, and Patti tries to help Doug distract from the much deserved trash talk. She says something about how she heard the ride was supposed to be pretty great. She then comments on how it looks pretty dark. Doug is suddenly reminded of her fear of the dark (was that established? I forget.) and has a fantasy where he comforts her with an arm around the shoulder.
Daydreaming, Doug almost misses the ride with Patti. He rushes over and pulls the lap bar down.
The ride is a pretty standard water ride at an amusement park. When they approach a pirate ship they hear a very recognizable voice.
“Argh! Avast, ye mateys! Here’s Captain Bobby!”
What the fuck is this shit?
How did he break into this ride? Funky Town has a serious security issue. Bobby tells them to prepare to be boarded, then he swings out toward them on a rope. The rope breaks and he lands on their boat, capsizing it.
Skeeter and Beebe’s boat runs into theirs and it also capsizes, followed by Chalky and Fentruck.
Everyone is pissed. So far, not a great debut for the Maelstrom of Madness, but at least no one died. Beebe calls her dad to tell him to sue. Everyone stomps off, even Skeeter, who actually sort of hops away because he has water stuck in his ears and he’s trying to force it out.
Bobby approaches Doug and comments on his friends’ lack of a sense of humor. He starts to suggest they get peanuts to throw on people from the sky tram. Finally, Doug has had enough.
Doug tells him to go away and leave him along. Bobby asks, “what’s wrong with my best buddy?”
“I’m not your best buddy anymore!”
Bobby says you can’t break the lifelong oath. Doug accuses him of being the one that broke the oath. “What kind of friend embarrasses you in front of everyone? You don’t care about anyone or anything but yourself.”
Bobby says this was how it was in Bloatsburg, where no one wanted to be his friend. 
And Doug immediately regrets his outburst.
At dinner, Theda starts doting on Doug for helping Bobby. Bobby’s mom called her to tell her how much he’d been helping Bobby. 
So now Doug feels even worse. Phil tells Doug he’s proud of him. “Without your encouragement, that boy might have gotten off on the wrong foot. He might have dropped out of school, or worse.” Cue fantasy.
The police have a dilapidated shack surrounded. Purple Partridge declares that they’ll never take him, then throws a water balloon at them. 
Yes, he’s loaded up with water balloons. He’s in a worthless shack and has no hostages or real weapons, so I can’t imagine why the police give a shit about him. Man O Steel Man breaks down the door and declares that his widespread crime spree of hideous awfulness is over. Purple Partridge surrenders.
Man O Steel Man asks him what made him turn from superhero to villain, and he says it was Quailman’s fault. Man O Steel Man is especially perturbed that Quailman broke the Man O Steel Man Lifelong Friendship Oath.
In band class, Bobby is missing. Doug asks bowl cut if he’s seen him, and he says Bobby didn’t show up for school today.
Because the episode is running out of time, Doug finds Bobby pretty quickly at Sully’s Comic & Book Nook. Bobby is reading Man O Steel Man, the issue from Doug’s memory at the beginning of the episode, so Doug is able to approach him easily by quoting along with him.
Bobby says, “I thought you were mad at me.”
Doug replies, “I was, but I got over it.”
Bobby expresses brief happiness at this, and assumes they can go on just like before. Doug tells him no. If he wants to be friends, he’s got to back off. All of his behavior so far has been too much. 
Bobby says he’s only trying to be funny and questions whether anyone has a sense of humor. Doug tells him he comes on too strong and he doesn’t have to be a clown all the time. He says he’ll give it a try.
How the fuck has he not given it a try before? As far as I can tell, his mother moved to Bluffington just so he could live somewhere he already had a friend. Why couldn’t anyone in Bloatsburg tell him to stop trying so goddamn hard? Where did Bobby get this idea that being a fucking jerk is funny?
So, Bobby calms down a little bit more each day. He actually plays trumpet really well, so his joining the school band wasn’t a total waste. 
After the recital, Phil stands up to take the band’s picture. Bobby whispers something to the two people standing next to him, and they pick him up for the picture.
But Phil wastes that opportunity and finally snaps the picture right after they drop him.
Good job, professional photographer.
This episode is missing Roger, for good reason. First, I would love to see how Roger reacts to Bobby. I don’t know if he’d like him or hate him. Second, Bobby’s experience in Bloatsburg is Roger’s experience in Bluffington. We don’t know if Bobby had three goons hanging around him, laughing at his every cruel joke, but they both think being a jerk is fucking hilarious and everyone should recognize their greatness based on this terrible sense of humor. Roger can’t be in this episode, because everyone has treated him the same way they treat Bobby, except no one is ever going to get him to temper his behavior the way Doug does for Bobby. It’s blatant hypocrisy for Doug to acknowledge Bobby’s potential for being a decent human being worthy of friendship if Roger’s there without being given the same chance. And you can’t give him the same chance without, you know…giving up one of your main antagonists.
Neither wants to deal with him. They’re both being very adult here, buying multiple copies of the newspaper so they don’t have to share, coming up with lame excuses for why they can’t take him, completely ignoring their newborn baby as it wanders about the room. Fortunately, Judy offers to drive him.
I really hope this newspaper is free. I appreciate the headline joke, though.
Everyone is shocked. Theda tells Judy there’s no need to be sarcastic. She replies, “who’s sarcastic? You guys are busy. I’m not. I’ll drive him. Keys?”
Judy leaves the house. Doug shrugs at his useless parents, and follows her. Phil and Theda drop their papers, stand up, and hug.
“After 16 years of parenting!”
“It’s like a dream!”
Notice how they are still ignoring the newborn?
When Doug and Judy sit in the car, Doug asks her, “what’s the catch?”
She says she’s just doing him a favor. He accepts this and she immediately reveals that the catch is that she wants to make one quick stop first.
“It all started on a Friday afternoon…”
So now we’re going back two days to get the story about why Doug needs a ride to Funky Town. He really should just leave this part out.
Patti asks if anyone has any plans for the weekend. Skeeter says he’ll be doing the usual, which is comic books and dirt biking. Beebe is also doing the usual. For her, this means a little polo and a little hiking in the Bahamas. She yawns as she says this. Doug says, “hey, I know. What do you say we go to Funky Town?” Patti dismisses this idea because they went there last weekend. Enter Guy Graham.
“Listen. How would you guys like to have a blast this weekend? Kick out the jams!? Blow out the stops!? Really soup things up!? KNOW WHAT I MEAN!?”
His suggestion is that they go to Funky Town. Of course. Everyone is excited about this idea now, except Doug. Doug points out that he just suggested that and they shot him down. Patti says, “somehow the way Guy said it, it sounded like fun.” Doug has a fantasy.
He’s flying a plane past his friends and asks, “wanna come surfboard-skydiving through the eye of a hurricane?”
They are not enthused. Guy approaches them and asks, “how’s about staring into a corner and slobbering like a baboon?” This is an idea they can get behind.
Because Doug has a low opinion of Guy and also his friends apparently. He just doesn’t get it.
Walking home, Doug continues moaning about the situation. He has taken this one instance as the new rule. He thinks his friends think all of his suggestions sound boring. If Guy excitedly told them all to jump off a building, they’d do it.
Tired of trying to get Doug to understand, Patti walks away. Doug says he’s not even going to go to Funky Town.
On Saturday, Doug and Skeeter are at an arcade playing a game called Death Golfer.
Skeeter asks him what he plans to do tomorrow. Doug says he was thinking about getting some people together to play basketball. He reasons that not everyone will be at Funky Town. “I mean, I know Al and Moo will be around.”
Actually, they won’t. They climb out of the Death Golfer cabinet talking about the type of processor the game uses. One is sure the games at Funky Town use the same processor and the other is sure they don’t. They’re planning to find out tomorrow.
Realizing the futility of putting together a basketball game, Doug has a fantasy about all the fun things he could do alone on a Sunday afternoon. Sitting on the couch, he turns on the television.
A news pundit says some things that are political and vaguely boring until his speech turns into “blah blah blah” and Doug falls asleep.
Doug has a dream about all the fun his friends are having. Guy and Patti run off a ride laughing. Guy suggests they stuff cotton candy down their shorts, pour ketchup in their hair, and run around squawking like chickens.
The dream within the fantasy ends, and then I guess, so does the fantasy. Doug is making this harder to write than it has to be….
On Sunday morning, Doug finally stumbled on the solution to his problem. He jumps out of bed shouting, “YES!”
He says he decided to change his mind. He gets dressed and runs downstairs and, well, we’ve already seen what happens there.
Finally, we get to see where Judy needed to stop. Why did she need to drive Doug to Funky Town? What was it she needed that apparently couldn’t be explained to the parents? Was it drugs? No. It was Snord Gruppen.
Basically what we have here is Ikea. Judy needs a new bookshelf. Doug knows what’s up though. He points out the incomparable size of Snord Gruppen and she dismisses his concerns.
Why didn’t she just drop him off first? Doug doesn’t ask this. He asks why can’t she do her shopping some other time. She says, “you know mom and dad never give me the car to go shopping.” A reasonable answer to a reasonable question that completely ignores the fact that “after you drop Doug off” is included in the phrase “some other time.”
Judy approaches something that doesn’t look like a bookshelf and says that it looks like a good bookshelf. She says, “what I love about this stuff is it’s all interlocking and stackable.” She spins a piece of the not-a-bookshelf and water pours on her from something that looks like a shower head.
A salesman approaches them and asks if they need help. Judy says, “this bookshelf spat on me!”
“This is sink, madam. You’re in kitchens. Living room is that way.”
That is a pretty shitty sink. They find something that looks a little more like a bookshelf. Doug points out that this extra stop is taking longer than she said it would. She pulls a knob on the presumed bookshelf and it turns into a car.
Another Snord Gruppen employee tells them bookshelves are on the second floor. Doug continues complaining, and after failing to find something else to mistake for a bookshelf, Judy asks a group of Snord Gruppen employees about bookshelves. They don’t know what she’s talking about. She says, “a bunch of flat, interlockable, stackable surfaces on which to place BOOKS!” They are still confused, so she pulls a book from her bag to show them. They laugh.
They says there’s nothing like that here. All of their books are interlocking and stackable, so they have no need for bookshelves.
Big fucking waste of time. In the car, Doug says he has 20 minutes to get to Funky Town. She says they’ll make it, but first they have to go back home. Incredulous, Doug asks why. She says she doesn’t know the way to Funky Town from Snord Gruppen. She only knows how to get there if she leaves from the house. Judy is the worst.
Doug checks a map and gives her very simple directions for the fastest route. She follows his directions until they get to the exit they need to take. She makes no effort to slow down and just zips right past it.
Next, she drives through a roundabout, pointlessly driving around it a couple times.
They drive through an industrial area and Judy starts yelling about how they’re lost. When they find a tollbooth onto the interstate, Doug insists they aren’t lost. They’re almost there.
He says Funky Town is just on the other side of the tollbooth. Unfortunately, it’s actually the border crossing into another country. This guy wants to see their passports.
Meanwhile, Patti and Skeeter are having a blast and wondering why Doug isn’t there yet.
Back in the car, Judy is berating Doug for his navigational incompetence. Because apparently it’s his fault she didn’t listen to him when he told her to take that exit. And it’s his fault she doesn’t know how to get to a place unless she leaves from their house. Anyway, now she has to make another stop. Doug begins to protest but it’s a rest stop and she says she has to stop. For some bizarre reason that I’m just going to blame on their parents, neither of them wants to say “bathroom.” She doesn’t say, “I have to use the bathroom.” He doesn’t say, “oh, you have to poop? Okay, yeah. Better you drop poops in a toilet than in your pants.” They’re both embarrassed.
While waiting for Judy, Doug turns on the radio and pulls out the map. A news story on the radio freaks Doug out a little.
“The couple was found stranded on a deserted island in the middle of Lake Aukamaga. They said they had gotten lost on the interstate and had been kidnapped by a gang of bikers. The bikers are still at large and dangerous.”
At the mention of bikers, Doug looks up from the map to see a group of cyclists stopping to sit at a picnic table.
A stereotypical biker pulls up next to Doug and asks if he needs directions. Doug turns blue and declines the help.
Then he has a fantasy about all the fun his friends are having. Al and Moo get on a ride while Skeeter makes two comments about how much fun they’re having or how much fun Doug is missing. Beebe is riding bumper cars and telling her chauffeur who to hit. Patti wonders out loud where Doug is and Guy tells her to forget about him.
“Hey, let’s take a boat through Suck Face Tunnel!”
“Suck Face Tunnel? What’s that?”
“I don’t know. Doug made it up.”
His fantasies are having dreams and becoming more self-aware.
After the fantasy, Doug is fuming about Suck Face Tunnel and asks Judy if she can go faster. She says no and she needs another rest stop.
If you were wondering if Doug was the only Funnie kid with apparent bouts of crippling social anxiety, well, apparently Judy couldn’t find the fucking bathroom and didn’t want to ask somebody where it was because then they’d all stare at her. Doug points out that everyone is at the rest stop for the same reason. Growing more impatient, he tells her to just stop at a gas station. She says it looks disgusting, but pulls over just the same. She says, “I don’t see one. Do you see one?”
“One what, Judy? SAY THE WORD!”
“Forget! Let’s go!”
Doug asks these two assholes if they have a bathroom because his sister needs to go. They laugh and Judy blushes.
When they’re back on the road, Judy is so furious, she threatens to tell Patti that Doug is in love with her. They get to their exit only to find it is closed due to construction.
The workers, especially the asshole working one of the bigger machines, are terrible.
Judy asks if there’s a detour to Funky Town and the guy goes on and on about how much he loves the place until the tractor operating asshole drops a huge slab of concrete right next to the car. Doug and Judy are scared for their safety, and should probably call OSHA. Instead, they reiterate their need for directions to Funky Town.
Unfortunately, another worker starts using a jackhammer right next to their car at the same moment they are getting directions.
Immediately after finishing the directions, the guy tries to ask Judy out. They hastily drive away without proper directions, because old man construction worker couldn’t just be helpful to the 16 year old. Naturally, they become more lost.
Doug is trying to navigate with the map, and I’m starting to wonder if he can actually read a map.
Lots of nonsense occurs.
Some cows get involved.
Finally, they’re just arguing. Doug takes the whole trip as good reason why their parents never let her drive. She says, “well maybe YOU’D like to drive then!?”
He says he would and reaches for the keys. She grabs them and hangs them out the window, threatening to throw them into the woods.
After she throws the keys, they both realize how fucking stupid that was and scream. Doug says that all they have to do is walk straight into the woods until they find the keys, then walk straight back.
After about 10 steps, Doug trips and despair takes over. He clutches at grass and dirt and says, “it’s no use! They’re gone! We’re gonna miss Funky Town! We’re gonna starve to death! We’re gonna be stuck here together for the rest of our lives!”
If you were wondering if it was worth your child’s time to join the Bluffscouts, it is not. They will be prepared for nothing. Anyway, Judy finds the keys. They were on the ground at her feet, a few feet in front of where Doug gave up.
They somehow become lost on their way back to the car. Some wildlife freaks them out and they start running. They run until they find a mysterious village. The citizens are dressed mostly like Pilgrims and they have weird accents.
Doug asks this guy if there’s a phone they can use. He doesn’t know what a phone is, so Doug describes it as a box you use to talk to people. The guy tells him, “leave off your foolery, ye young rapscallion.” This is apparently Pilgrim for “fuck off, shithead.”
Doug asks if it’s possible they drove through a hole in the time space continuum. Judy tells him to not be ridiculous. She grabs another person and asks for the date. The Pilgrim girl says it is June 14, 1683.
Doug and Judy gasp, but then Judy realizes she knows the girl. The girl panics and runs away. They chase. They’re too busy chasing her to notice the other people dressed in modern clothes and taking pictures.
When Judy finally catches the girl, Doug realizes they accidentally wandered into an area next to or part of Funky Town. Judy’s friend warns her that they have to pretend it’s the 17th century. Judy catches on and takes up the accent and speech patterns while Doug asks for instructions to the entrance of Funky Town.
The asshole Doug asked about the phone points them out to the parson as witches. So they have to be punished.
It makes no sense. They aren’t employees of this shitty place. If they’re putting all their apparent customers in the stocks for blasphemy or witchcraft or whatever, how are they still a business? They received this punishment because Doug asked for a phone during a minor emergency. How many emergencies have these employees ignored for the sake of their fake authenticity? You’ve had a stroke? What is this phone thing you speak of? Uh huh, and ambulance? What sort of spell is that? Are you the devil?
Doug takes this moment to reflect on all the times Judy has embarrassed him. The first example he thinks about is when she redesigned his soccer team’s uniforms.
She cast him as Ear Wax in her hygiene play.
After the recollections, a woman tells her son to stand by the witches in the stocks so they can get a picture. This doesn’t make sense. I hate how much this doesn’t make sense.
I don’t want to transcribe their whole fight, but basically Doug blames Judy and vice versa. Obviously. When Judy says Doug was too eager to meet up with “that little chicken leg blonde,” he blushes and pretends he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She points at Patti who has just arrived with Doug’s friends, and Doug says, “Chicken! I mean, Patti! Am I glad to see you!”
Doug’s friends let them out of the stocks. Patti asks where they’ve been and he tells her to forget it. Right after he suggests they go on some rides, a man announces that Funky Town is now closed.
So Doug tells them the story of their ridiculous day and realizes it’s actually pretty funny. They all think it’s very funny that Doug thought he actually traveled back in time. Al and Moo are laughing so hard they’re crying.
Doug asks about all the fun they had with a somewhat accusatory tone.
Skeeter points out that all the rides are the same so, y'know…
Guy creeps up on Patti, putting his hands on her shoulders, and says, “I don’t know, guys. Patti and I had a fantabulous time! It was kickin’! It was slammin’! It wa…”
“Hey, Guy, cut the hype.”
After shoving him away, she says, “can’t you admit it was just a little dull? You always make such a production out of everything.”
In the parking lot, Judy is the first to realize they left the car out in the middle of nowhere. Doug’s friends and Guy help them look.
Doug asks Patti what Guy meant when he said they had a fantabulous time. She says, “nothing.”
He asks, “never heard of Suck Face Tunnel?”
“Doug, what are you talking about?”
“Nothing.”
I don’t know why Doug made up a ride called Suck Face Tunnel. It doesn’t make sense. He’s been to Funky Town before. According to the beginning of the episode, he was there last week. If it’s a place where middle school kids hang out, there’s almost certainly a part of it where they are sucking each others’ faces. Doug apparently doesn’t know about this area, and so made up his own idea of what it would be. It’s a shitty Tunnel of Love with a shittier name.
I currently have no theories on the apparent widespread shame the citizens of Bluffington apparently feel when they have to use the bathroom.
