So: geese. What are they? Geese are in the same family as ducks and swans, like anybody gives a shit. The biggest difference between ducks, geese, and swans is size. Ducks are smaller than geese, and geese are smaller than swans. Just leave the real science to the rest of us, ornithologists.
Geese are primarily herbivorous, feeding on grasses, fruits, and general marsh vegetation. They’ll also eat insects, just to be fucking disgusting. Feeding them bread will fuck them right up, so if you’re some kind of species traitor and you actually want to feed these little fuckers without killing them, you should feed them green leafy vegetables, raw whole wheat, whole oats, and unsalted, unbuttered popcorn. Basically, the most boring shit you can possibly imagine eating.
Geese are the worst. The absolute fucking worst. Between 1990 and 2008, Canadian geese were responsible for nearly $51 million in damages to aircraft in North America. They’re the sole reason everyone is still sucking Chesley Sullenberger’s hoary old cock. In 1999, more than 100 people were attacked by geese in the US alone, resulting in head injuries, broken bones, and some of the worst cases of second-hand embarrassment ever experienced by physicians.
We always knew they were bad, but now it’s official. Fuck geese.
