The fields and meadows shone in rich green hues and the thriving flowers danced in the warm yet fresh spring breeze. The rays of the setting sun poured golden into the house and kissed her delicate features, pained in pain, adorned with tears and wrinkles of anger seeming to deepen with each tick of the wooden clock.
She wished to fill a glass with whiskey, the strongest the house offered, and Y/N knew exactly where to find the flask. Unsure whether to scream or to cry in agony, Y/N took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Her fingers clenched into fists, nearly collided with the table. The hatred rooting in her heart was unbearable. She wished to unleash the hatred, the pain and sorrow and destroy the dams she had had laboriously built. Doubts clouded her mind. Lost in thoughts, dark and dooming, she gazed out of the window, yet Y/N was aware of her surroundings, heard the chirping birds, saw the branches of the trees in the garden swaying back and forth in the howling wind announcing a storm. Voices echoed. Sailors talked on raging oceans. But Y/N stayed in silence, unable to protect her husband and glad Charlie had gone to bed and couldn’t see the sadness in her eyes.
The unopened letter that had arrived in the late hours of the day rested on the dining table and Y/N, who usually opened her husband’s letters, was fearing to open a letter for the first time in her life after finite years of marriage. The handwriting, the curved script, the letters forming into the name of her husband were too neat to belong to a man.
“Y/N, darling, you needn’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be here shortly. It must be a misunderstanding,” a voice whispered.
Y/N snapped out of her stupor but she could no longer watch the people arguing vociferously together.
“Polly’s right, I know Thomas. He loves you.” added the tall man approaching Polly.
Her mouth gaped open. Exhaling loudly, Y/N turned. Her eyes wandered from Polly to Arthur dressed in a dark suit, had heard every word loud and clearly. Low Y/N laughed and her eyes went on a journey again, and stopped at the stairs. Painfully, her heart ached. The basket was filled with wooden toys and the blue car Charlie had been playing with all afternoon was lying lonely and abandoned on the ground beside it. The desire rose to take off the ring she wore with pride, to pack the suitcase and leave, not interested in the weak excuses and hide so well Thomas would never find them again.
“What kind of misunderstanding, Arthur? What do you think Thomas is going to say? Thomas went to London to see Grace. I know exactly what he’s going to tell me. He will tell me he had an important meeting and the last time he had seen Grace is ages ago.” Y/N said sternly.
Her voice oozed with sadness, broken and destroyed.
“I have to leave; I can’t stay here. I have a friend, she lives out in Scotland, in a small house. Thomas doesn’t know about her so he won’t look for us there,” Y/N breathed.
Confused glances met. Tears streamed in narrow rivers down her cheeks but Y/N didn’t wipe them away, let them run and moved away from the window with slow steps, hoping she would see her husband’s car driving up the road, to intercept him immediately and confront him.
“I know exactly what Thomas is going to say. Grace is his old flame, she was out of his life, she left him when he needed love the most, and Thomas fucking Shelby is running after her like a puppy. He cried. Thomas cried a lot and I stayed by his side. I didn’t want to be his lover; I was his friend and I saw my friend was in need of a friend, of love and understanding.” her voice quivered.
The buttons of his suit jacket were undone. Arthur had been holding back all this time, would be the first to confront his brother, couldn’t understand how Thomas could have dared to take the phone call and answer the letters.
“What are you saying Y/N?”, “That I have to go, Arthur, I can’t take it anymore,” Y/N whispered.
She faced the tall man.
“Please don’t. Don’t say anything. I know they are not just seeing each other. I believed him, I agreed when he told me he would spend some weekends in London because he found new clients, new business partners. He betrayed me, our family.” Y/N added.
Tears streamed down her face.
“He was at her house. My husband, the man I love. The man I would die for. He has a family. He has a wife, he has me, and more importantly, we have children.”, “Why does he think Grace contacted him? Because she wants to talk about the good old golden times? Grace left him and now she smells bloody gold. She left him, she was gone and now they are enjoying their life together. And here I am, stupid cow, doing the housework, looking after our son and waiting for my husband to come home after a long weekend and he’s having fun with his old flame, maybe now his new lover.” Y/N uttered a barely audible whisper, but everyone heard her clearly.
More tears obscured her vision. Angered, Y/N wiped the sweat from her palms, wiped them on the no longer flowing material of her dress and saw the envelope resting on the dining table.
“What else did you see Polly? How did you know something like this is happening in London?” Y/N huffed.
“I think it would be best if you talk to Thomas about it. He’ll be here in a minute.”, “Who said I’d be here? How long Polly?” replied Y/N angrily, unable to understand why Polly was trying to protect her brother.
“It’s probably been two months. He was hugging her and inviting her to a bar. They were drinking and went to a restaurant. This is everything I know.”, “And that’s all I need to hear. Arthur, drive my vehicle to the door, please, I have to leave as soon as possible.” Y/N breathed.
Her voice was breaking, with quickening steps Y/N walked past Arthur and Polly, dodging the hands reaching out for her, seeing the quick movements out of the corner of her eye, deaf to the words trying to force her to stop. Y/N took two steps at a time, tried to take three at a but failed. Unaware of Arthur’s reply, Y/N went up, turned and pushed open the door leading into the bedroom, skilfully ignoring the voices calling her by name and stopping her from making the mistake she was about to make.
The door handle dug deep into the wall, leaving a deep hole telling generations to come of the blinding rage once reigning in the mansion almost always filled with laughter and joyful voices. Y/N yanked open the doors of the wardrobe. Crying she threw the leather suitcase onto the floor. She could not ignore the smell of smoke and burning wood. Her heart ached. Daggers dug deep into her skin, pierced through flesh and destroyed her heart. Pieces of clothing flew through the air, bringing colour to the dreary room.
Reassuringly and lovingly, a hand came to rest on her shoulder and, transfixed, Y/N came to a halt in mid-motion, dropping the blouse with a high collar to the floor, but not hitting the open suitcase. Slowly, Y/N turned around. The young broken woman looked into the distance, saw the sun setting, and wished to be one of the birds spreading wings and flying away but she was a human with legs, could not leave the land behind, had to linger and could not flee from the torment.
“If you have come to stop me then you may as well go, Arthur. I will not stay. I want him to arrive and feel what it’s like to be expected by no one. Maybe he will understand.”, “You’re going to take Charlie with you? You shouldn’t do that!” escaped Arthur.
His right hand rested on her shoulder. He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. In soothing gestures, his thumb circled her skin, trying to let Y/N know she should stay, that she was just overreacting but Y/N didn’t care about them.
“I’m his mother.”, “And Thomas is his father,” he interjected.
Y/N laughed. The tears were gone and mist no longer clouded her gaze.
“Thomas should have thought about his family a long time ago. He has to find out what is important to him and what is not. No, he should have done it a long time ago. It can happen that his family leaves and I am convinced if the factory is in flames, gold and money are gone and the only thing left of importance is his heart, Thomas will realise that Grace was all the time chasing the money.” Y/N said, her voice was brimming with hate.
Y/N shook her head and laughed bitterly.
“As you heard yourself, Thomas Shelby prefers to spend his evenings with Grace in a restaurant than with me, his wife and son. The last time we spent a date night together is maybe a year ago. He works from morning to late night. When I go to sleep, I am alone and when I wake up the only thing reminding me of my husband is his pillow and the smell of cigars. I’m not going to sit here and look out of the window and pray that he will arrive soon with a believable explanation.” she continued.
"Do you love him?” Arthur asked.
Panting, Y/N observed the flying dust dancing in the rays of the sun. Tears threatened to obscure her vision. Smiling faintly Y/N placed her hands on her stomach in a protective gesture, unable to continue to fight with words of truth and stayed in silence, feared Charlie would hear the words. Her heart ached, not wanting to tear Charlie away from his familiar surroundings but unable to imagine meeting her husband who had sworn fidelity to her. A faint smile graced her face, realising the words he had once spoken with pride and honour were no longer true.
"I believe this is a question I do not have to answer, Arthur. I’m the one who’s here, the one who looks after Charlie, who takes him to the playground, who looks after the estate and tries to be a support. You cannot imagine how often Thomas sits on this bloody bed, looking into the void and is questioning everything. There may be no wounds on his skin, no blood under his nails, but his heart and poor soul need love. A love I probably cannot give him.” she breathed.
Y/N stepped back.
“When Thomas arrived after months of war and Grace left him, he was a shadow of a man. I don’t want to say that I’m better or special, but I took care of him. He would have never cried in front of you, but he cried a lot. I stayed awake and helped him through the long nights. It wasn’t her and we can both safely say the reason Grace wormed her way back into his life.” Y/N said.
"How can you be sure he’s cheating on you?” he probed.
Arthur took a step forward, wanting to put his hands on her shoulders, but he left it at that.
“Thomas could have told me, informed me, and I would have shown understanding in return. If he would have told me that this woman wants to meet him, I would told him to go. This is what should be done in a relationship. I tell him everything, every detail of the day. I talk about the early mornings with Charlie, how he likes kindergarten, how he enjoys playing with toys. Everything. Arthur, and now please leave me alone. Maybe I’ll come back at the end of the month. I will tell Charlie that we will go on an adventure. I am sure he will be pleased.” Y/N informed her brother-in-law.
The rays of the sun kissed her face. Her nails had turned brittle and her skin was sickly, shallow and lifeless. Y/N threw the last piece of clothing into the suitcase lying two steps away from her on the ground. Passing Arthur, she halted. Love disappeared from her gaze. She covered her lips with her hand, wanting to make what she had seen unseen. The golden ring lay lonely and abandoned on the bedside table. The world turned dark, arms reached out for her and the shadows laughed, rose from the depths of the sea and devoured her.
