#graduate school application
11.12.18 //
Explain to me why so many universities have, like, 5 (or more!!) different cognitive and/or neuroscience PhD programs! And why none of these universities ever lays out the differences between these programs in an easily accessible manner! And then there are all these faculty members who are listed under 2-3 different programs but only accept students from one program but collaborate with other programs, leaving you wondering which program to apply to so you can maximize your chances of working with your preferred mentor. Because god knows I can’t afford to apply to every single one of these programs for every single school; there’s separate application fees and GRE codes for every damn department and I’m not personalizing my SOP 17 times anyway.
I hate this process so so so much. Every step of this process is designed to trick and blindside prospective students, and we’re just expected to figure it out as we go, and the whole thing is bullshit.
I’m gonna write a “things I didn’t know about applying to grad school” post once my applications are submitted, because no other student deserves to go through this much pain. I’m so angry and frustrated right now.
11.8.18 //
I have now rewritten my SOP 5 times, each time changing something drastic about the structure or the information I reveal or the narrative thread I weave, in order to address the various weaknesses I’ve identified. I’m starting to grow increasingly frustrated and demoralized, because somehow no matter how much editing I do, the SOP doesn’t seem to get good enough to be proud of, or even just okay with. Every time, I chip away at a weakness just enough to think “Yeah, this is why I edit; every edit makes it better,” but there’s always enough of that weakness left that I can’t definitively say “I’ve addressed this and can move on to something else.”
I know that my SOP has come incredibly far from my first draft, and I amhappy with small bits and pieces of it, but the thought of having to rewrite it yet again to correct a glaring structural weakness is just…so incredibly demotivating. Especially because I’m having to identify these weaknesses, figure out how to address them, and then implement those changes almost entirely on my own, without second opinions or constructive criticism from a third party. It is exhausting having to pinpoint my flaws and then switch mindsets and address those flaws without becoming embroiled in insecurity and self-loathing for having those flaws in the first place, irrational as that is.
I’ve tried to remain positive throughout this process, taking the little external feedback I’ve gotten with an open mind and reminding myself that every edit brings me closer to my final SOP. I know I’m a good writer and a better editor, and these skills serve me well; hell, I made it through 5 rewrites before starting to feel frustrated, and I’m incredibly lucky to have gotten that far. But I’m finally starting to feel the stress and the panic, and it’s not a great feeling, to be honest.
I don’t know. I’m writing this post in an attempt to process my frustration and put it into words so I can move on and return to editing with restrengthened convictions. But I also kind of want to reassure anyone else out there who’s feeling frustrated that you’re not alone. I know I went into this process thinking writing a SOP was simple and easy, and I must be stupid if I was having so much trouble with it, but I’m starting to realize that the frustration and the constant rewriting is part and parcel of the writing process. It doesn’t make me stupid to be working on a sixth rewrite. It doesn’t make me stupid to have been editing this SOP for almost a month. And I’ll get there, eventually. Every draft is better than the last, and ultimately I’ll have a statement that’s good enough to submit. I just have to keep on keeping on, I suppose.
