#i call it evil eye for the straight guy

It was a typical Friday night of mountain dew and video games for Brian when the air in his parents’ rec room started to move in a circle, knocking over his Boba Fett figurine and sending a chill down his spine. He paused his game and put his glasses back on in time to see the fell creature appear out of nowhere and land on the cabinet where his mother kept the bone china.

‘Holy shit,’ said Brian.

“̾B̾r̾i̾a̾n̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾ ̾S̾a̾r̾a̾s̾o̾t̾a̾ ̾c̾u̾l̾-̾d̾e̾-̾s̾a̾c̾,̾’̾’ the demon boomed. ‘̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾h̾a̾v̾e̾ ̾b̾e̾e̾n̾ ̾c̾h̾o̾s̾e̾n̾.̾’̾

Brian put his controller down. 'Chosen for what?’

The demon cackled. '̾A̾s̾ ̾a̾ ̾v̾i̾r̾g̾i̾n̾ ̾s̾a̾c̾r̾i̾f̾i̾c̾e̾.̾’̾

'Oh,’ said Brian. 'Don’t you guys usually use girls for that?’

One of the demon’s mouths sneered. '̾A̾r̾e̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾a̾ ̾v̾i̾r̾g̾i̾n̾?̾’̾

'Dude, it’s Friday night and I’m in my parents’ basement.’

'̾I̾s̾ ̾t̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾r̾e̾l̾e̾v̾a̾n̾t̾?̾’̾ the demon thundered.

'Not really,’ said Brian. 'Yes, I’m a virgin.’

The demon nodded. '̾T̾h̾e̾n̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾b̾e̾ ̾s̾a̾c̾r̾i̾f̾i̾c̾e̾d̾.̾’̾

Brian exited his game.

The demon was hovering in a blood-coloured mist, dozens of slimy teeth bared. Brian looked it up and down. 'Is it gonna hurt?’

'̾O̾f̾ ̾c̾o̾u̾r̾s̾e̾,̾’̾ said the demon.

Brian took a deep breath. 'On a scale of one to ten, how much pain would you say it’s going to be?’

The demon considered. '̾T̾h̾e̾r̾e̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾b̾e̾ ̾a̾ ̾m̾e̾d̾i̾u̾m̾ ̾a̾m̾o̾u̾n̾t̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾p̾a̾i̾n̾.̾’̾

That seemed reasonable to Brian. 'Yeah, okay.’

The demon hesitated. '̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾-̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾o̾f̾f̾e̾r̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾r̾s̾e̾l̾f̾ ̾a̾s̾ ̾s̾a̾c̾r̾i̾f̾i̾c̾e̾?̾’̾

'Well, no,’ said Brian, who had read an entire thread on reddit about how to talk to trickster demons once. 'But it doesn’t look like you’re gonna give me a choice, so we might as well get it over with.’

A dozen of the demon’s eyes narrowed. ‘Y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾r̾u̾n̾?̾’̾’

'Nope.’

'̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾s̾c̾r̾e̾a̾m̾?̾ ̾I̾t̾ ̾i̾s̾ ̾t̾r̾a̾d̾i̾t̾i̾o̾n̾a̾l̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾s̾c̾r̾e̾a̾m̾.̾’̾

'I mean, I can’t guarantee I’ll be quiet through all the torture and stuff,’ said Brian. 'But if I cry it won’t be voluntary.’

'̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾g̾o̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾d̾i̾e̾,̾’̾ said the demon, as if he thought Brian was very, very stupid. '̾T̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾d̾o̾e̾s̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾b̾o̾t̾h̾e̾r̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾?̾’̾

Brian shrugged. 'Not really.’

'̾H̾m̾m̾.̾’̾ The demon sat back on his haunches. One of its mouths was still snarling, but another was twisted into a frown. '̾D̾o̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾a̾n̾t̾ ̾t̾o̾…̾.̾ ̾t̾a̾l̾k̾ ̾a̾b̾o̾u̾t̾ ̾i̾t̾?̾’̾

Brian scratched the back of his neck. 'I mean, do you have time? If you’re busy -’

'̾N̾o̾,̾ ̾n̾o̾ ̾-̾,̾’̾

’ - I wouldn’t want to hold up your blood sacrifice schedule -’

'̾I̾t̾’̾s̾ ̾f̾i̾n̾e̾ ̾-̾’̾

’ - you guys probably have a quota to meet -’

'̾I̾ ̾h̾a̾v̾e̾ ̾t̾i̾m̾e̾,̾ ̾m̾o̾r̾t̾a̾l̾,̾’̾ said the demon, commanding a thousand screams from the bellows of hell to raise his voice.

Brian blinked.

'Well, okay.’

Two hours and three packets of Doritos later, Brian and the demon were sitting side by side on the floor in front of the ping pong table.

'I don’t really hate girls.’ Brian traced his finger over the pentagram the demon had burned into the hardwood floor. 'I just say that on the forums ‘cause everyone else does. I like girls a lot, but they never like me.’

'̾W̾e̾l̾l̾,̾’̾ said the demon, as he incinerated a corn chip and inhaled the ashes, '̾f̾i̾r̾s̾t̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾a̾l̾l̾,̾ ̾s̾t̾o̾p̾ ̾s̾a̾y̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾h̾a̾t̾e̾ ̾w̾o̾m̾e̾n̾ ̾o̾n̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾ ̾i̾n̾t̾e̾r̾n̾e̾t̾.̾’̾

'You think it gives off a vibe?’

'̾T̾h̾e̾r̾e̾ ̾i̾s̾ ̾d̾e̾f̾i̾n̾i̾t̾e̾l̾y̾ ̾a̾ ̾v̾i̾b̾e̾,̾’̾ the demon said solemnly. '̾A̾n̾d̾ ̾s̾e̾c̾o̾n̾d̾,̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾m̾u̾s̾t̾ ̾l̾e̾a̾r̾n̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾b̾e̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾r̾ ̾g̾e̾n̾u̾i̾n̾e̾ ̾s̾e̾l̾f̾.̾’̾

Brian rolled his eyes. 'I am -’

'̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾,̾’̾ the demon roared, whipping its tail and setting the computer screen on fire. After Brian had doused the flames with an extinguisher, the demon continued.

'Y̾o̾u̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾l̾i̾k̾e̾ ̾m̾y̾ ̾f̾r̾i̾e̾n̾d̾ ̾A̾n̾d̾r̾e̾a̾l̾p̾h̾u̾s̾.̾ ̾F̾o̾r̾ ̾t̾h̾o̾u̾s̾a̾n̾d̾s̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾y̾e̾a̾r̾s̾ ̾h̾e̾ ̾a̾p̾p̾e̾a̾r̾s̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾h̾u̾m̾a̾n̾s̾ ̾a̾s̾ ̾o̾n̾e̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾m̾,̾ ̾a̾ ̾m̾o̾r̾t̾a̾l̾,̾ ̾a̾n̾d̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾y̾ ̾w̾o̾r̾s̾h̾i̾p̾ ̾h̾i̾m̾ ̾a̾n̾d̾ ̾s̾a̾c̾r̾i̾f̾i̾c̾e̾ ̾m̾a̾n̾y̾ ̾g̾o̾a̾t̾s̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾n̾a̾m̾e̾.̾ ̾B̾u̾t̾ ̾e̾v̾e̾r̾y̾ ̾t̾i̾m̾e̾ ̾h̾e̾ ̾a̾p̾p̾e̾a̾r̾s̾ ̾a̾s̾ ̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾t̾r̾u̾e̾ ̾f̾o̾r̾m̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾ ̾h̾u̾m̾a̾n̾s̾ ̾s̾c̾r̾e̾a̾m̾ ̾a̾n̾d̾ ̾g̾o̾ ̾m̾a̾d̾ ̾w̾i̾t̾h̾ ̾t̾e̾r̾r̾o̾r̾ ̾b̾e̾c̾a̾u̾s̾e̾ ̾h̾e̾ ̾i̾s̾ ̾f̾e̾a̾r̾s̾o̾m̾e̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾b̾e̾h̾o̾l̾d̾.̾’̾ The demon chewed on a piece of glass thoughtfully .'̾T̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾i̾s̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾g̾o̾o̾d̾ ̾f̾o̾r̾ ̾A̾n̾d̾r̾e̾a̾l̾p̾h̾u̾s̾.̾ ̾H̾i̾s̾ ̾s̾e̾l̾f̾ ̾e̾s̾t̾e̾e̾m̾ ̾s̾u̾f̾f̾e̾r̾s̾.̾ ̾'̾B̾u̾t̾ ̾w̾h̾y̾ ̾c̾a̾n̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾y̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾w̾o̾r̾s̾h̾i̾p̾ ̾m̾e̾ ̾a̾s̾ ̾I̾ ̾a̾m̾?̾’̾ ̾h̾e̾ ̾s̾a̾y̾s̾.̾ ̾'̾M̾u̾s̾t̾ ̾I̾ ̾a̾l̾w̾a̾y̾s̾ ̾h̾i̾d̾e̾ ̾m̾y̾ ̾t̾r̾u̾e̾ ̾f̾a̾c̾e̾?̾’̾

'A̾n̾d̾ ̾s̾o̾ ̾I̾ ̾s̾a̾i̾d̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾h̾i̾m̾,̾ ̾'̾A̾n̾d̾r̾e̾a̾l̾p̾h̾u̾s̾,̾ ̾h̾u̾m̾a̾n̾s̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾t̾e̾r̾r̾i̾b̾l̾e̾.̾ ̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾k̾n̾o̾w̾ ̾t̾h̾i̾s̾.̾ ̾E̾v̾e̾r̾y̾o̾n̾e̾ ̾k̾n̾o̾w̾s̾ ̾t̾h̾i̾s̾.̾’̾ The demon made a gesture, and Brian nodded in agreement. '̾T̾h̾e̾r̾e̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾b̾i̾l̾l̾i̾o̾n̾s̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾m̾.̾ ̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾f̾i̾n̾d̾ ̾h̾u̾m̾a̾n̾s̾ ̾m̾a̾d̾ ̾e̾n̾o̾u̾g̾h̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾w̾o̾r̾s̾h̾i̾p̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾r̾ ̾t̾r̾u̾e̾ ̾f̾o̾r̾m̾ ̾s̾o̾m̾e̾wh̾e̾r̾e̾.̾’̾

'And did he?’ 

'̾O̾f̾ ̾c̾o̾u̾r̾s̾e̾.̾ ̾T̾h̾e̾r̾e̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾t̾h̾o̾u̾s̾a̾n̾d̾s̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾A̾n̾d̾r̾e̾a̾l̾p̾h̾u̾s̾’̾s̾ ̾s̾e̾r̾v̾a̾n̾t̾s̾ ̾i̾n̾ ̾a̾ ̾p̾l̾a̾c̾e̾ ̾c̾a̾l̾l̾e̾d̾ ̾B̾o̾c̾a̾ ̾R̾a̾t̾o̾n̾.̾’̾

'That makes sense,’ said Brian.

'̾Y̾o̾u̾ ̾m̾u̾s̾t̾ ̾n̾o̾t̾ ̾b̾e̾ ̾a̾f̾r̾a̾i̾d̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾b̾e̾ ̾v̾u̾l̾n̾e̾r̾a̾b̾l̾e̾,̾ ̾B̾r̾i̾a̾n̾ ̾o̾f̾ ̾t̾h̾e̾ ̾S̾a̾r̾a̾s̾o̾t̾a̾,̾’̾ said the demon. '̾I̾f̾ ̾A̾n̾d̾r̾e̾a̾l̾p̾h̾u̾s̾ ̾c̾a̾n̾ ̾d̾a̾n̾c̾e̾ ̾b̾e̾f̾o̾r̾e̾ ̾h̾i̾s̾ ̾f̾o̾l̾l̾o̾w̾e̾r̾s̾ ̾a̾s̾ ̾t̾e̾n̾ ̾t̾h̾o̾u̾s̾a̾n̾d̾ ̾l̾o̾c̾u̾s̾t̾s̾,̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾c̾a̾n̾ ̾m̾e̾e̾t̾ ̾s̾o̾m̾e̾o̾n̾e̾ ̾w̾h̾o̾ ̾w̾i̾l̾l̾ ̾w̾o̾r̾s̾h̾i̾p̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾.̾’̾

Brian didn’t think it was the sulphur making his eyes sting. 'Thanks, man.’

The demon patted Brian on the back, taking care not to use his claws. '̾A̾n̾d̾ ̾a̾l̾s̾o̾ ̾s̾t̾o̾p̾ ̾u̾s̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾a̾ ̾2̾-̾i̾n̾-̾1̾ ̾s̾h̾a̾m̾p̾o̾o̾ ̾a̾n̾d̾ ̾c̾o̾n̾d̾i̾t̾i̾o̾n̾e̾r̾.̾’̾

The demon melted back into its proper height. Its eyes flashed with brimstone, but now all its mouths were frowning.

'̾W̾e̾ ̾a̾r̾e̾ ̾a̾t̾ ̾a̾n̾ ̾i̾m̾p̾a̾s̾s̾e̾,̾ ̾M̾o̾r̾t̾a̾l̾ ̾B̾r̾i̾a̾n̾,̾’̾ it said. '̾W̾e̾ ̾h̾a̾v̾e̾ ̾b̾o̾n̾d̾e̾d̾.̾’̾

'I’d definitely friend you on social media,’ said Brian. 'You guys got Facebook down there?’

The demon waved a hand dismissively. '̾W̾e̾ ̾i̾n̾v̾e̾n̾t̾e̾d̾ ̾i̾t̾.̾ ̾B̾u̾t̾ ̾I̾ ̾c̾o̾n̾f̾e̾s̾s̾ ̾I̾ ̾f̾e̾e̾l̾ ̾̾a̾ ̾s̾a̾d̾n̾e̾s̾s̾ ̾a̾b̾o̾u̾t̾ ̾d̾a̾m̾n̾i̾n̾g̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾r̾ ̾s̾o̾u̾l̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾e̾t̾e̾r̾n̾a̾l̾ ̾t̾o̾r̾m̾e̾n̾t̾.̾’̾ 

Brian was touched.

The demon eyed Brian speculatively. '̾K̾n̾o̾w̾ ̾a̾n̾y̾o̾n̾e̾ ̾y̾o̾u̾ ̾w̾a̾n̾t̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾s̾e̾n̾d̾ ̾t̾o̾ ̾h̾e̾l̾l̾?̾’̾