#i dont know whats wrong with me

LIVE

mom didsome fucked up shit n im ventig. gonna call me therapist bc i dont know what to do.

how do ii add a readmore on mobile i odnt know

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its hrd to move and my eyes keep de-focusing and my drunk mom screamed and touched me and tickled and pulled on me when i didnt get out of bed, threew my gender in my face, threatened to withhold my terminally ill infirm grandmother’s basic needs of the toilet and warmth wgen i didnt do what she wanted immediately when she wanted it.

i get pissy and annoyed when im interrupted by grandma needing something, but i always come downstairs and help. if i donnt do it one time because my body is having problems i deserve to be screamed at and vilified and touched and told what a horrible awful selfish lazy sexist male scum pile of dogshit i am.

why yes mother that completely fixes whatever physiological ailment is keeping me from doing what you demand of me. yes i really am being willfully lazy and selfish when i dont think its safe for me to try helping my dying grandmother who is begging for your help im ny current physical state.

yes mother i WANT to be sleeping 22 hours a day and doing NOTHING. it feels GREAT and im doing it COMPLETELY ON PUROSE. i LOVE being ducking powerless when my grandmother calls desperately for help. i am WILLFULLY dizzy and unsteady on my feet. it feels AMAZING to be an IMPOTENT UNCONSCIOUS LUMP.

ny head hurts, my body feels aawful, and i kust want to crumble into sand.

i can push through it for maybe 20 minutes at a time but rhen i need to sleep for like 3 hours. my friend was here for a day and a half and i spent most of that time PASSED OUT.

m sorry im weak and useless. im not as capable as its convenient for you to believe. my limit is so much lowers than everyone else i know and all you do is tell me that im lying andd just beifing lazy and selfish.

im so scared to tell her anything ever. i never know what shes gonna freak out about, what shes gonna invalidate, or what shes going to deem unimportant or “a lie”. whenever i tell her i dont feel good, all she does is list all the ways my suffering is my own fault through some failingh of mine so i deserve it and she doesnt have to go easy on me or think about it anymore. like shes “tryig to figure out the reason” why i feel bad, but it either ends up being some self-care thing i was too “lazy/selfish” to do, or i cant find a reason so i must not actually feel sick.

shes never gonna be happy, so she has to make sure everyone she “loves” knows how terrible and awful and selfish they are.

im dont see any way to get out. i dont have friends or family in the area that i can rely on. i dont see any future. i know its there, but i dont know what it looks like, it could be worse than this, it could be homelessness and starvation and being denied the medicine i need to stay alive. im scared. i let all my friends drift away. its my fault that i have nobody. its my fault that i dont have noelle anymore. i dont think im really even worth talking to. im just a sad-sack pile of mommy-issues and chronic medical conditions. im not worth anything outside of what i produce: ideas, art, conversation. and im so fuckign slow and awkward and sparse with all of those. i dont know how to talk to people, i dont know how to make firends, i dont know how to make myself interesting, i dont know how to make myself better than i am. i jsut want a mom that isnt insane. i want a family. i want someone i can just connect with if nothing else. i want my old high school friends back. i want my childhood back. i want . i want noelle back.