#i ship them so much

LIVE

Warnings: cursing, fantasy violence, family drama

Her head pounded from the night before. Vasily had been too drunk to stop her from getting into the spirits. Nikolai would have given her small sips from his glass throughout the night. She wouldn’t have gotten nearly so messed up had that been the case. He was irresponsible but somehow, he knew what he was doing. At least, that’s what Anastasia had been certain of for the majority of her life.

Her head felt as though it were filled with pounding hammers and Nikolai’s favorite revolvers. Every bump of her spoon in her porridge bowl made her want to wince. The only reason she wasn’t was the fact that both of her parents were at breakfast. It was such a rare occurrence that she knew something was bound to be wrong.

She and Vasily had stayed silent for a majority of the meal. Waiting for their father to say something. Anything. Anastasia thought about screaming in order to cause something to happen.

“The Fjerdan’s will be sending an emissary in less than a week,” her father’s voice was strong, not showing a sign of last night having any effect on him.

Anastasia clutched her spoon slightly tighter.

“I suppose they’re anxious to see what our Sun Summoner can do,” Vasily drawled, his voice raking against her ears and making her feel sick.

The whole thing made her feel sick. She was being sold like cattle. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it either. Not even Nikolai would have been able to save her from this fate.

“Yes,” Pytor nodded his head once. “They’ll want to make sure your sister is a proper lady as well.”

He spoke as though she was not sitting just on Vasily’s left. She understood that she didn’t mean nearly as much as either of the princes and yet, it still managed to hurt. She wasn’t seen as anything but a hassle. Something he needed to sell off in order to rid Ravka of debt or hopefully bring more peace. Even if his own marriage had done nothing.

She tried to bite down on her anger as she focused on her breakfast. Her head was pounding too hard for her to make up some sort of melody. She was too angry to turn the beating of her heart into one of the waltzes that she adored. Her life was a game and she was not the player. That much was clear.

The side door opened nearly silently. She would not have normally heard it. The hangover had made her far too sensitive to sounds. She doubted that she would ever again drink as much as she had the night before. She had not thought it was a lot. Apparently, Anastasia had no idea how much liquor she could actually hold.

A messenger slipped into the room, rushing toward the long table as quickly as he could. Anastasia straightened in her chair, her eyes following the messenger as he made his way towards the table. Her parents had not noticed him yet. She doubted they would unless the message was for them.

The man made his way over to her. She felt as though he was moving slowly, as though his legs were encased in molasses. It was just her hope for Nikolai’s letter that made her want time to move faster. For him to run forward and drop whatever note might be in his hand. She was almost angry at how long it was taking.

“Your Highness,” he murmured softly to her, a slight smile gracing his lips. The smile made him look younger, the lines by his eyes seemed to disappear. “A message from your brother.”

The letter seemed smaller than others she had received but she would not complain. It held his pale blue double eagle, it held that scent of sea breeze and salt. She thanked the messenger before quickly excusing herself from the meal.

Vasily said nothing, but she noticed how his grip had tightened just slightly on his butter knife. Anastasia would not pretend to know what was wrong with him, but she assumed it was jealousy. She was allowed to leave when she pleased. He wasn’t. Crown Prince was a blessing and a curse it seemed.

She hurried to her rooms, nearly running down the corridors. The guards would say nothing. No one would reprimand her for not acting like a lady. Not when most of the other ladies who resided in the Great Palace were nursing hangovers or worrying about what mood the Queen would be in. She was free to run about the castle, chasing the eight-sixteenths rhythm of her heartbeat.

A guard opened the door to her chambers for her, not bothering to smile at her. She nodded her head once at him before she slipped inside.

Her rooms were the smallest of the three siblings. A large four-poster bed set in the middle of the room, a small nightstand beside it of imported cherry wood, and a matching desk on the left side of the room. Her vanity sat at the right, next to her balcony. The large window made the glass and crystals bottles sparkle and created small rainbows in the height of summer. The walls were painted a pale pink color, with Ravkan blue along the borders of the walls. She felt as though she lived in the middle of a summer day.

Anastasia did not bother to note any of her furnishings as she slid into the plush leather chair that sat at her desk. She tore open the letter, using the golden letter opener that Nikolai had given her. He had told her she needed some form of protection in her room.

He wasn’t fond of trusting her safety to people he didn’t know. They’d only had each other for so long that Nikolai had become a protector as much as he had been a brother. He’d kept her out of trouble while he spent his days getting into it. He kept her away from their parents as much as he could. If only to have her avoid their disappointment.

She hadn’t realized how much she had needed him until he was gone.

My dearest Stacie. Her heart ached at the nickname. It had been so long since she had heard it from anyone. She could hear the low timbre of his voice, drawing out the ‘sta’ and ending it with the soft sound of the 'sea’. She was going to murder Nikolai when he returned. How dare he leave her to miss him.

Ketterdam is dull, the university life is not one for me. Daily, my classmates are tempted by the Barrel and I alone must stop them from giving in to the temptation. Tell mother that at the very least. She worries enough about me being gone, although I’m certain that you’re having a rougher go of it. I apologize for my letters being irregular. Life has become a hassle. It seems as though fate wishes for me to suffer greatly. I wonder if I could tempt fate into giving me a break?

Anastasia rolled her eyes. Nikolai was ridiculous in front of most people. She was certain that he was at his absolute worst around her. But that had been what she needed as a child. Someone to protect her, to make her laugh. He’d always been a good big brother. He deserved more credit for it.

Giving you updates on my courtship with fate is sadly not the reason for this letter. I’ve heard that we have a new Saint in our home. One that summons the sun? Stacie, send word if this is true. I’d love to see the birth of a Saint with my own eyes. I’ve come to realize it’s a remarkable affair.

Of course, that was why he had written to her. The Sun Summoner. She did not blame the girl. Nor did she even blame Nikolai. It just hurt to realize it had not been because he had missed her. Maybe the ache that she felt was not the same to him. They did not have the same bond as the Shu’s kebben, but she had always thought they would at least always be together. Until she was sold off.

I’ll be home soon. Vasily will have someone else to throw his anger at. We’ll speak about your training too. Some of the guards have told me your aim is remarkably horrible. Really, Ana, you would embarrass me like that?

I love you, little sister,

Nikolai Lantsov.

She traced his name with her pointer finger. It had been three years since she had seen her brother. Three years of wondering if he was alright, of hoping that he would come home soon. She hated to admit that she missed him. She hated to admit she was beginning to forget what he looked like. She doubted he’d ever come home. She didn’t trust the letters, didn’t trust that he would find it within himself to come back.

Anastasia knew how easy it would be to leave Ravka and never return. She dreamed of it sometimes. Though it was not something she’d ever truly do. When she left Ravka, it would be to wed a man that she did not know. A man she didn’t want to know.

She wiped her eyes once, the burn of fresh tears blurring her sight, before stuffing the letter into her desk. She wouldn’t dare try to write a reply until her hangover had vanished. Until she was certain that she would not embarrass herself by leaving tear stains on the parchment. As far as Nikolai was aware, Anastasia had taken his absence well. She refused to tell him how alone she felt. How it seemed as though she were floating alone, in the middle of an island in the depths of the True Sea. He would have called her dramatic and then pretended that he was the only one who had any right to dramatics.

A knock on her door quickly cleared her of her thoughts while making the pounding in her head worsen. She wouldn’t call for a tonic, it would only make things worse in the long run.

“Come in,” her voice was soft as she fumbled for a piece of parchment and a pen. Pretending to work on her correspondence would at least give her a reason for sitting aimlessly.

Vasily strolled into her bedroom as though he was already the king of Ravka. She wondered how he could be so self-assured. It wasn’t exactly something that she would ask him about. She watched as he perched on her bed, his arms casually crossed across his chest as he stared at her.

“Did our brother have anything interesting to say?” She swore venom was in his tone.

“He’s curious about the Sun Summoner,” Anastasia stated as she looked up at him. “And he says he’ll be home soon.”

“He’s been telling you that for three years, Annie.”

Anastasia glared at him. He knew just how much she hated that name. It made her feel as though she were a child. Someone who was reprimanded easily. “Vasily, I’d rather not talk about what Nikolai plans on doing or when he plans on returning home.”

The corner of his lips twitched, as though he were about to smile but had thought better of it. Vasily often hid his smiles, unless it served a purpose. Her brother had been raised to be a man who wore many masks. It was one of the reasons why he liked cards so much. Vasily did not think Anastasia knew about his vice, but she did. She had followed him once.

Nikolai had only been gone three months at that point. She had been bored and lonely. She had seen Vasily sneaking across the grounds as though he had something scandalous to hide. She had thought that it would be worth it to share a secret with him. Maybe then they could become nearly as close as she and Nikolai.

Had it just been a girl, she would have left instantly. But no. Vasily had slipped into a Lordling’s home, she had watched him from behind bushes as he played a game of cards in front of the large dining room windows. She had assumed he would go after a game, but she had given up long before he had.

Vasily had lost more money than she had ever dreamed he would that night. He had been red-faced the next morning at breakfast. Anastasia had thought it best not to tell him that she had watched him. She didn’t wish to bring more shame to her oldest brother.

She’d allow him to think he kept this secret to himself. Even if she knew that others must be well aware.

“There seems to be an issue with our Sun Summoner,” he admitted to her, falling back on her bed. His hands covered his face, she did not ignore how they were as soft and smooth as her own. “Not that anyone save Kirigin knows about it.”

“What is it, Vas?” Anastasia hated knowing that he knew more than she did. Even if it was a common occurrence.

“Don’t let father find out,” it wasn’t the pleading tone of a boy. It was the exasperation of a man who was tired of living in shadows. “But our Saint has disappeared. I heard two of Kirigin’s men speaking about it on the way to your room. It seems last night’s party brought a tracker to our midst.”

She instantly thought of the guard she had not known. Nikolai Vanzin. It had felt like a false name that night. He hadn’t noticed her at first. Not to mention he looked both too hard to be a guard and far too pretty. None of her father’s men had looked as though they could cut a diamond with their stare nor their cheekbones. She left that to the Grisha of the Second Army.

“There was a guard last night,” she spoke softly, fingers tapping on her desk as though she was gently tapping the keys of a piano. “I had never seen him before.”

“How many of the guards do you know?” Vasily did not look at her as he spoke.

“All of them.”

Vasily was not aware of Anastasia’s training. Nikolai had told her it was a secret between the two of them and the guards. He had made damn sure those men knew what it would mean to betray their trust. It would mean losing his friendship. Nikolai was definitely the nicest of the royal family when it came to things of that nature. Not even Anastasia would have been that kind.

“You’re not doing what I think, are you Annie?” Vasily pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes boring into her.

“Of course not,” she gave him an annoyed glare. “I wouldn’t put my marriage at risk like that. I just needed someone to talk to with Nikki gone. He likes being updated on them.”

Vasily continued to stare at her, though the look was less annoyed, less ready to pounce if she was doing something she shouldn’t. He looked tired. He looked hurt. She did not know why he would be. She had never been close enough to Vasily to be able to tell the reasons behind his moods. She had enough trouble figuring out Nikolai’s.

“You could’ve talked to me,” his voice was tense, his knuckles white as he clenched his fists. “I’m your brother too, Annie.”

“You’ve had more pressing matters at hand,” she knew the words were not enough. She felt guilty almost. Had he been just as lonely as she and Nikolai? Had he craved a companion? He had been raised to be the King of Ravka since they were children. While she and Nikolai were running about the grounds with wooden swords, he was trapped in meetings that he did not care about.

She felt as though she should have noticed. Should have tried to bring him in on their games. Nikolai had always wanted Vasily’s attention as a child. She had thought one brother was enough. Anastasia could not help but to blame herself for whatever he had gone through. She knew she wasn’t at fault but that did not assuage her guilt.

“That doesn’t matter,” Vasily moved to stand then, wiping his palms on his pants. “Tell me about this guard you didn’t know.”

“He said his name was Nikolai Vanzin,” she was glad for the change in topic. “He had these eyes that were like diamonds. They could kill you if he looked at you too long. Beautiful really.”

She felt the flush on her cheeks before she noted the look in Vasily’s eye. She couldn’t tell if he was amused or if he was pissed about her description of the man. It didn’t matter. She had to press on.

“Sharp features, it was very noticeable. His accent though … It was strange. He spoke Ravkan as though he wasn’t quite used to it. But I couldn’t place the accent. It wasn’t rough enough for Fjerda, he didn’t have the complexion for Fjerda either. I don’t think he was from Ravka at the very least.”

“Is there anything beyond pretty eyes and a pretty face, Annie?” His eyebrow rose, watching her closely enough to cause her to grow somewhat embarrassed. She didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he hadn’t had his own dalliances.

“I think he’d been injured at some point in time,” she said, thinking back to the guard that had so amused her the night before. She wondered if he had thought of her at all that morning. Considering he was probably on the run with their Sun Summoner by now, she highly doubted it. “He walked with a limp. Otherwise, he was perfectly normal. I just … I had assumed he’d been hired before the fete.”

“I would have been told if there had been any additional security hired,” he almost spat out the words. She could see that there was something brewing in his mind. A plan taking form.

She highly doubted it would be anything good.

“Did you make any sort of connection with this man?” Vasily asked as he began to pace the room. “Did he say where he was going or what he was doing there?”

“No,” she sighed as she shook her head. “Vasily, I spoke with him for about two minutes before the presentation. I got his name, that was it. He said his mother thought he’d had luck being named after a prince.”

“Probably a lie.” Vasily stared at the same spot on the floor as he paced. She worried he would create a rut in her rug.

“I’m sure of it,” she worried her lip as she began to think. Straining her memory for anything that might help. “I told him I would see him today. You could check in on the training field. Ask if anyone’s seen him?"

Vasily nodded his head once as he began to leave her bedroom, his head once again up and his focus back on the world around him. He paused in her doorway, his left hand resting on the oak wood of her door frame. He lightly tapped the wood with his index finger, hesitating for a moment before turning his head to look at her.

"Stay here,” he told her, his eyes searching her face. “I … I don’t want to see you getting hurt. I don’t trust anything that’s going on here.”

It was the most brotherly he had ever seemed in her entire life. Her heart wanted to sing a ballad of sorrow at the lateness of it. She knew that nothing he said or did would stop her. Nikolai Vanzin had lied to her. He had given her a false story and had a false narrative. He could have been stopped that night. She could have been the one to stop him.

She’d been blinded by pretty eyes. A dangerous smile. She wouldn’t let that happen ever again. She would find Nikolai Vanzin and discover the truth. She was unsure how she would end up finding him. She couldn’t exactly use the resources at hand without alerting her brother or her parents. She had to have permission to leave the Grand Palace. She was too precious a commodity to let leave without a guard. But she would find a way.

If Nikolai had taught her one thing it was to be resourceful. She knew that finding things out would be difficult while trapped in the walls of the Grand Palace but she also knew that she had access to certain documents. She could at least find out how false the name was. How many laws this asshole had broken.

She buried down these thoughts, buried down and locked behind iron bars that would only open upon her soul singing a soft melody. Or if Nikolai showed up and just looked at her once. She had a very hard time not telling her brother anything. At least with Vasily, it was easier for her to lie.

Anastasia looked him in the eye, the portrait of a serene young woman. “I’ll stay right here, Vasily,” she gave him a gentle smile. “I promise.”