#ill be your mirror
So in a fit of a random thought following another random thought, I ended up needing to listen to “I’ll be Your Mirror”, because that’s one of Crowley’s favourite songs according to Neil, and I’m sure someone else will have dissected this with more musical knowledge and other relevant expertise, but I’m having Feelings and I intend to share them.
Like. Guys.
Lyrics for reference:
I’ll be your mirror,
Reflect what you are,
in case you don’t know
I’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you’re home
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside, you’re twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
‘Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don’t know
The beauty you are
But if you don’t, let me be your eyes
A hand to your darkness so you won’t be afraid
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside, you’re twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
‘Cause I see you
I’ll be your mirror, reflect what you are
In many ways, that’s what they are to each other, isn’t it? From a plain outsider perspective, they seem opposites. Black and white, modern and old fashioned, speed demon and angel who looks rather car sick whenever forced into a car with that demon, inhabitants of a meticulously clean, minimalist, dark flat and a stuffed-to-bursting, dusty and dingy bookshop, demon and angel. Opposite sides.
But they aren’t. They’re two side of the same coin. If you strip the veneer, if you look closely, they are quite similar. All of their main differences are just appearance. Beneath them, they are on common ground. They’re on Earth. They love the humans (more than either of them should). They care about earthly delights, like good food and drink, music and plays.
Both of them have ethics that don’t agree with their jobs.
“When you think the night has seen your mind, that inside you’re twisted and unkind, let me stand to show that you are blind, please put down your hands, ‘cause I see You.”
It’s easy to see this being something Crowley needs from Aziraphale. Crowley’s job, his role as a demon, wants him to be cruel. He’s supposed to enjoy being cruel, and we see him struggle with trying to be a proper demon, because what else is he gonna be?
An ardvaark?But Crowley isn’t cruel, and underneath his denials, his “I’m unforgivable”, Crowley knows that. Crowley is horrified that Heaven kills children, grieves over Heaven’s and Humanity’s cruelties at Golgotha, gets drunk for a week over the Spanish Inquisition, gets drunk over dolphins being destroyed, too. Crowley is a good person with a kind heart, and he’s not allowed to have that heart and not allowed to be kind, or even think of himself as kind, because that’s dangerous, and he needs to hang on to his tenuous self-image of demon, because that is what he has to be, even if he doesn’t want to. Crowley cannot ever let himself admit to his own kindness. He needs Aziraphale to do it for him.He needs Aziraphale’s eyes to look at him and see him for what he is. Also Aziraphale often sees the demon first, but Aziraphale is also free to see the decidedly undemonic sides of Crowley. Aziraphale gets to see Crowley’s horror and grief, Crowley’s delight with humans and their inventions, he gets to see Crowley’s many gestures of love and friendship directed at him, and he can say that. Yes, Crowley grumbles, and hisses, and sometimes throws a fit, because he can’t be kind, he can’t, he isn’t, except that he is, and he needs to hear it. There has to be that one person in his life who knows Crowley, who knows these secret, forbidden things about him, and who’s going to like that about him. Who’s going to see him. (And sometimes someone who’ll put up a light to his door, too, so he can find home to a bookshop backroom.)
And then, once you’re here, you know… The beautiful thing is that it works just as well the other way around. Aziraphale needs that from Crowley, too.
Also Aziraphale has a job that doesn’t always align with his moral code. I think it’ll be less extreme for day to day minor things (Aziraphale is allowed to save babies from being run over without having to worry about this being unangelic conduct), but the big picture stuff Heaven does is as awful as what Hell gets up to. Heaven drowns thousands of innocents, gets the unicorn extinct, rains down fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, let’s Jesus be killed, doesn’t interfere with wars and plagues, probably condones crusades and suchlike. We see some of Crowley’s reactions to that. Crowley is allowed to be horrified, he’s allowed to rage, probably even to try and oppose Heaven’s plans, because they’re the other side. We also see Aziraphale’s reactions. The quiet grief, the denial, the attempts to cling to the doctrine, the “it has to be for the best somehow, in an ineffable way, I just can’t see it, but Heaven is Good, so this has to be something Good, too”. Aziraphale isn’t allowed to rage and grief out loud and question all this cruelty. Aziraphale has to be quiet and obedient. Aziraphale is afraid. And Aziraphale is a good person, with a soft big heart, who loves people, and that means that underneath that quiet and obedient denial there lies an abyss full of guilt.
What if this isn’t the right thing? What if Heaven really is as bad as his gut tells him (should he ever stop to listen to it, which he won’t, because that would be as much of a disaster as Crowley admitting to being kind)? What if all this is wrong, what if Aziraphale didn’t do the Right Thing? What if it’s him who’s twisted and unkind? Not the kind thing to let the poor humans drown because Heaven said so. Is he a terrible person, a terrible angel, for following orders, or for not following?
None of the other angels ever support anything at all Aziraphale does. Not once. They don’t listen to his input when it comes to policy decisions, although he’s the ground agent on Earth. They belittle his personal choices, like his food or his books. Gross matter! Material objects! Report back to active duty, because six thousand years on Earth wasn’t actually properly duty?
And then there is Crowley, who looks at Aziraphale and sees a person. A person who’s a good person, and sometimes a bit of a bastard, and who is clear about loving all parts of him. Who indulges his hobbies, who sticks by his side, who comes to his help, who forgives him after they argue. (I think the matter of forgiveness is a Big Deal in Heaven and by extension Hell’s culture, but that’s besides the scope of this post.)
Anyway, Aziraphale needs Crowley to see him as much as Crowley needs to be seen.
“I’ll be your mirror, reflect what you are. ”
That’s what they’re doing for each other. They treat each other like, well, like people. Nobody else does that for them. They both occasionally doubt their own personhood, their worth outside of their jobs, their, well, their humanity. But they keep showing each other that “yes, you’re a person, I see all those things about you, and I like what I see”.
Like. I’m having Feelings send help.
On a different sort of meta note, in case you want Feelings, too, I have some more: release date for the song was March 12, 1967.
Yes.
It’s the cold season, the 1967 scene we see. They are wearing coats and gloves and things. Is it early in the year? Or late? Either way, on a time scale for immortal beings, either “I’ll be your Mirror” gets released shortly after the Holy Water Thermos Incident, or it has just been released.
We’ve discussed the Thermos Incident to Hell and back in this fandom of course, and no matter which interpretation you prefer, it’s a pivotal point in their relationship. It’s Aziraphale admitting out loud that Crowley means a lot to him (please don’t take the suicide pill) and that he wants their friendship, although it scares him and he isn’t ready. This is a super important moment in Crowley’s memory, and there is this song that came out at that time that reminds him of his relationship with Aziraphale and that’s his favourite song and -
I’ll be here in my corner with my feelings if anyone needs me.
