#im back maybe

A dapper Lee Marvin in this unpublished still from the 1967 John Boorman film, “Point Blank”. Credits to http://theeditroomfloor.blogspot.co.uk.

Trying to be gentle, soft and kind to myself. Trying to remind myself that 2 weeks ago today I nearly died and that it’s okay that I’m taking time for myself and trying to create space.

I haven’t managed to do any of my laundry for 3 weeks and I feel bad about it. I haven’t been able to tidy or organize and there are literal piles of stuff everywhere. But I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay.

I always want to bounce back hard but if I’m being truthful with myself I’m still not past what happened to me. It. Was. Terrifying. Sure now I can speak about it with my Detached Factual Voice but I need to remind myself I’m just good at that. Deep down I’m still scared and hurt and it will take time to move past that.

Coming that close to death, and to be honest, being completely alone (aside from cat creatures) while it happened… I mean, I was alone for my first stroke too but that was so ambiguous in comparison. All strokes are a threat of death but some come much closer than others. Who really knows how close, but I can tell you what it felt like.

Just trying to be soft, kind and gentle to myself. It is hard with an internal voice as critical as mine, but I’m trying.