this was a bad idea. a terrible idea. a terribly wonderful idea. here she was, in the middle of the night, in the presence of one of the few people she had ever fallen in love with. her body moved without her permission, saying things and reacting in ways that were tell-tale signs of how nazli truly felt about everything. more specifically about imani herself. fuck the way things had turned out between them. fuck the people that they had both been with since. fuck the entire situation. still, there was a part of nazli that just needed to feel her touch again. didn’t even have to be sexual, even just a hug - though, she wouldn’t turn down her touch it if was sexual in nature. shit. imani had put the thought of children in her head and now there was a need tugging at her. a gentle warmth coming from between her thighs. how could someone be so close yet so far? able to reach out and touch them but there was a distance between them that was miles long. she didn’t even think that she’d be able to make it over such a wide expanse. “don’t let it go to your head,” her words were a tease as they kissed but she pulled away. it was brief but enough time that the girl had already missed the feeling of the other’s lips. as imani pulled her into her, nazli crawled onto the older woman’s lap, straddling over her legs. “i’ve missed you,” nazli whimpered into imani’s mouth. not just because this was just short of where they left off last time but she did genuinely miss her. missed just being able to be around and talk.
her laugh vibrated against nazli’s soft lips. impossible, everything about this moment had already gone to her head and some other parts of her too. she managed a smirk, tugging on her more. even when she was on her lap, she still didn’t feel close enough. in a matter of seconds she’d gone from cautious to insanely needy. all the months they’d lost, including those from before their fallout, she was going to make up for every second of them. she’d spent so much effort on finding every reason they wouldn’t work, to miss every reason they did. she wasn’t going to fuck this up again, though she couldn’t make any promises that she’d be perfect. the chances were that nazli already knew as much. she sucked on her tongue in response, a quiet whine of her own came out in response to her confession. fucking hell, she missed her so much. her hands sought out at her hips, desperately clinging her. she was afraid if she let go, she’d float away with both of them. as she kissed her, reacquainted with her mouth, her fingers snaked under her top. she just wanted to feel her skin like she had done exactly once.“off,”she demanded, teeth gently digging on her bottom lip.
another slow yet satisfied hum left nazli’s lips at what imani told her next. she was serious. the older woman actually wanted to have children with her. to go through the motions, the planning, the appointments - she wanted all of it. nazli could hear the rapid beating of her heart in her ears, it almost drowned out everything else. the noise of the city in the background, and even imani’s voice until it became the clearest thing that she could hear. “do you really have some idea?” maybe she did. maybe nazli wasn’t the only one that still harbored those same feelings that had been building up until that night. the same feelings that refused to let her go and have peace. imani had found someone new, and had even gotten engaged to them - whether or not that engagement still stood, that was irrelevant. point was, she did it. not even nazli had been able to go beyond a date or two with someone new. the way that her brow rose and the dark smirk that danced across the turkish woman’s face at her companions next words. “well, when you put it like that,” she teased, licking her lips slowly. maybe the flirtation between them really hadn’t died. it’d just gone dormant and now it was back in full swing. only question was, for how long? how long would it last before it blew up in both of their faces? she’d let her love go and she came back - but at what cost? what cost would it be for either of them to try to navigate back down this path that had the walls crumble down upon it. covered in dust and debris. the path back to each other. as soon as their lips touched, she could feel the spark of electricity. instinctively, nazli pulled back for a moment, weighing out her options for doing this before moving back in to crash her lips against the other’s. if she was going to go down, at least she would go down swinging - in a way.
imani tread carefully, not wanting to reveal too much. as if telling someone that you saw a future with children with them wasn’t already vulnerable enough. she didn’t want nazli thinking the whole the time she’d been hung up on her. every time he crawled on top of her, she wanted it to be her. most nights it was her face passing through her mind at that moment. it was her scent that imani latched onto in hopes that it would set her off. he might have been skilled at making her feel good, but she wanted more than that and he never gave it to her. he would sooner give her his name than his heart. fuck it - “i haven’t thought about anything else.”the feeling of her bare against imani’s fingers was a the catalyst for her undoing many times after. sometimes it just angered her because she was so close. it wasn’t just the sex aspect of it, that just stood as a very visual representation of how she was so near to having it all with her. she cracked a thin smile, proud of herself and mostly relieved that they were gravitating to normal. they had a lot to go, but this was a start. “thought you might see it my way.”she was still in her nerves when nazli pulled back. there was a flicker of panic in her face. had she done too much? was this suddenly not want she wanted? a million things ran through her mind, but they were nipped in the bud. “fuck, nazli,”she gasped against her mouth, overwhelmed with need and emotions. she eagerly licked at her lips, tugging her closer. she fell back onto the cushions, a silent invitation to her lap was sent.
this closeness. her body was reacting without her permission. there was a tug in her stomach as she remained within a close proximity. “are you sure about that?” her words a whisper. as if trying to hide the happiness in her heart to heart that the woman that she was madly in love with, at one time, or even currently still desired to have a life with her. a life involving children. “you have no idea how hard this is…” for me to not touch you. for me to not kiss you. for me to not want to go back to exactly where we were that night. of course those thoughts wouldn’t ever be heard. nazli would never admit that she still felt imani’s touch. dreamed about her. her smell still haunted her in places that they went together. how it haunted her each time she went to crystal’s place and all she could see was hallucinations of the older woman walking around. taunting her. immediately, she was forcefully pulled out of her thoughts by a warm sensation against her skin. nazli inhaled sharply at the feeling of imani’s hand around her neck. “i-” she started to say but what was she going to say in response? how long she had waited to hear imani say those words. to apologize for overreacting that night, but at the same time, she wasn’t the only one at fault. in the weeks following nazli had become cold towards her. the woman was not sorry for the way she reacted to imani that night. it was well within reason for her actions. “don’t grovel…” she whispered, hoping she wasn’t going to regret doing this. “just kiss me.” that was how she would be able to tell if the other woman was serious. if she really did love her or not.
imani took a deep breath, stilling her beating heart. if it went any faster, nazli might just hear it. “i’m so fucking sure.”as crazy as that was, she was certain. she wanted to have children with her, and if not, then she’d choose to not have them at all. that was how serious she’d become on the matter. depending on what she meant, imani had a good idea of just how hard it was. she was having a challenging time restraining herself while feeling equally unsure of being in her presence. after so many months of not being there, so much hung over her head. if she fucked up again, there was no coming back. nazli had both the patience of an elderly woman pampering her grandchildren and that of a baby who demanded to fed immediately. she’d put up with imani for months, but when she’d been done, she was. “you’d be surprised,i might have some idea…”in a lot of ways, she was still walking on eggshells. even if they spent all night in each other’s arms, there was a risk of that being so for a while. strives were required to get back to where they were and where they could be. “are you sure because i can grovel you all night…”the shit-eating grin on her face spoke volumes. she clearly wasn’t talking about grovelling at all, but she’d on her knees. she shut up quick, didn’t need to be told twice. she leaned in, gently tugging on nazli as she did. for the second time since knowing her, their lips reconnected. imani started tentative, light brushes of her own. she passed the ball to her side of the court, or whatever the hell that metaphor was. she was a vlogger, not an athlete.
nazli rose her brow at her statement, ignoring the obscenity that it started off with. “i would rather not.” she wasn’t exactly sure what meds that the older woman was talking about but either way, she didn’t want to be there when that happened. as much as she wasn’t a fan of that being a way to help people - it was just that, a way to help people. a chemical reaction to help them with whatever it was. a brow rose. smirk snaking it’s way over her thinly drawn lips. yes, maybe. or maybe this was a guessing game that she wanted nothing to do with. maybe this was all a ruse to get her to lower her guard only for imani to rip her heart to shreds again. who honestly knew what could be done. “with me?” nazli purred softly as she leaned forward again, brushing her nose against imani’s for a moment. “evet, i do want them.” the girl admitted as she pulled back just enough to look at imani in the eye again. “did you come here just to tell me you wanted to have children with me?” her breath was shaking. never did she think she would see imani again, let alone have the chance to be this close to her. how she itched to just reach out and wrap her hands around her neck and just kiss her like she’d never kissed her before. how she wished she could just profess that she was still madly in love with her. but something in her wouldn’t let her. couldn’t let her.
with how things had gone between them recently, she half expected a slap in the face. okay, perhaps that was pushing it, but the point was, she didn’t think nazli would react so favourably. imani had genuinely prepared for the worst. she breathed slowly through her nose, anxious of their proximity. it reminded of that night, the very same she’d allowed jealous to best her. she’d been so damn close, she could practically smell her. she’d touched her at least, that much she’d forever be able to take to her grave. “of course, with you,”she whispered, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. it was to her, and most of their friends. some had given up on them months ago; fairly so. imani felt a bit crazy, yet it was nothing new. she was familiar with the feeling, recently pertaining to her. relief shouldn’t have been so clear on her face, except it was. how was possible to love someone so much, to the point that you lose your head while not having a clue what goes on inside theirs? imani could write a book on it.“no, that’s not the only reason.” not reading her mind per se, she was however reminded of the wavelength they’d once shared. a tentative hand grabbed nazli’s neck, lightly gripped it. she still didn’t want to smoother her, or fuck up again. “i came here to say i’m sorry, nazli.”and on there came the word vomit. “i’m sorry for acting like a dumbass. i’m sorry i didn’t listen… i’m sorry you had to go home that night without me fucking you. i’m sorry for million goddamn things. i’ll spend all night grovelling, if you’ll let me.”
a laugh left the brunette when her answer was responded with imani knew. part of her forgot that she’d probably picked up a little turkish here and there when nazli spoke. if only things were that easy. maybe imani wouldn’t have turned into a jealous gremlin that night and without reacting the way she had - nazli could have explained what had happened. who it was she talked to. that was in the past though, and this was the present. all their trials were behind them. what was left was where they went from here - from this point forward. “i am, at least a part of me is.” she wasn’t going to lie. there was a small part of nazli that was sorry to hear about their engagement. “a crazy person? aren’t you already one of those?” or maybe it was nazli for entertaining this again. for risking opening her heart again. nazli held a dark smirk on her face at imani’s words. she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t. so what if she wanted imani to spell it out. to admit it word for word that it was her she wanted. there was a pluck to her pride - or maybe it was a sense of winning over someone else. imani had chosen her even sleeping with and next to someone else. “maybe i do.” licking her lower lip, she walked up to imani and leaned in with her face close to the other. she could drink in her scent from there. “maybe i just want to hear you say it.” was that so wrong?
she’s pretty sure her therapist would have something to say about this. the two haven’t even discussed relationships. they had one failed date, and a total miss of a near hookup. yet here they were talking skirting around the topic of children. she was sure there had to be a sapphic joke to be made somewhere or another. conceptually or otherwise, laila would likely roast her ass.“fuck you, i’m not that bad yet. wait until you’ve seen me miss a couple days of my meds.” it was a joke, she missed most of her meds. she preferred living her life in the fast lane. no that’s bullshit. truthfully, she didn’t like anything that took control from her, not without her consent. for too long, she had to have someone make her every decision, and she’d thank them for it. by someone, she meant her own father, now she tried to not ask permission for anything. “maybe?”she rolled her eyes, feeling herself lighten up a little. it was easier when nazli was giving her the time of day. her breath caught the second she realize just how close they were. they hadn’t been since that night. damn, she’s missed her smell. she’d take it any day of the week over his musky cologne. frankly, the stuff had given her a headache. “you, nazli. when i thought about having babies and then becoming little humans… or whatever it is that kids do.”she did a dramatic gag. “it was with you and i don’t even know if you want them.”
