#internalization

And as an addendum, I tried letting things cool down before writing that. I guess that was a “lightened version.”  

Reverting back to reminding myself that I’m alive, but I deserve all the pain and suffering coming my why. Because I’m a failure. 

Fail. Failure. Failure. I am a failure. I will always be a failure. And failures do not deserve success. We can’t even die right, because it’s a burden on those alive. It’s stuck in the goddamn middle and what the hell are we supposed to do? 

I can’t even die right. It’s slow and painful because maybe that’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve whatever future people think they think I deserve. Because they don’t know me. And if they did, they would pity me. They would “coddle” me with their fake “love” and “affection.” 

I hate being touched. I hate physical contact. I don’t deserve it. 

But there are other parts of me that love hugs, because that’s what he loves. I hate that person. And we can’t even recognize in ourselves in the mirror anymore. 

Let me go.