#its just rough

i like writing “perfect flawless paragon shepard” because on the surface, it’s just a very basic power fantasy about beating abusive systems of power with the power of friendship and trust. “advantageous political alliances” or whatever you want to call them – liara is my friend, wrex is my friend, tali is my friend, garrus is my friend, apparently major kirrahe and jondam bau are my friends, MORDIN is my friend, and this is all relevant!

but also under the surface there’s this ravenous undercurrent of fear of failure. i didn’t like mass effect 3 as much as i wanted to and i know we’re basically all in agreement there, but i actually really liked the character thread about shepard’s insomnia and nightmares. i love how slow those scenes are because it’s all about feeling helpless, hearing the voices of the people you failed to save, stewing in that. 

shepard was riding high for so long! sovereign was defeated, then the collectors, the shadow broker – and then shepard is responsible for blowing up an entire star system, and on top of being a war crime, it looks intentional: even if you’re a spacer/earthborn sole survivor with no notable batarian conflict in your service history, you’re still a human, rogue spectre, and the dots are there.

the fact that the first new reaper enemies you fight on earth are batarians is chilling. you’ve fought husks before. big whoop. any idiot can whip together a husk, or cram a few together for a praetorian or whatever. shepard can’t protect the whole galaxy, and they were DEAD for a while, so who knows when the reapers got those humans?

batarians, though. that feels like it falls entirely to shepard’s actions – i know it’s prescripted, you know it’s prescripted, we both know there’s nothing you can do about it. but can you imagine trying to live w/ yourself after causing something like that. 

The sheer amount of dread I feel at the thought that I have homework due in a few hours is unfathomable