#li kotomi

A Miracle for Survival: Li Kotomi’s Akutagawa Prize Acceptance Speech

“Better if I’d never been born.” I don’t remember now when I started thinking that way. Not, “I’m sorry for being born,” but “better if I’d never been born.” As I did not choose to be born of my own free will, there is no reason to feel apologetic. I have lived my life instead with anger and despair at being thrust into the world, without knowing how best to express them.

This is a little different from “I want to die.” Having been born, I have no desire to bring about my own death, and even if I did die, this would not achieve a perfect nothingness, as it would not alter the fact that I existed. It is aggravating too just to imagine all the speculation on, interpretations of, and inquiries into my death that would follow in realms beyond my control.

In the end, the most desirable state is never to have existed, undergoing everything in life—its joy, rage, sorrow, and pleasure, and the pain of parting from loved ones …more.