“Look at your body, A painted puppet, A poor toy of jointed parts ready to collapse, A diseased and suffering thing with a head full of false imaginings. -The Dhammapada-
This oddball was entirely hand fabricated, all parts are forged on the anvil from 950 silver. The sphere is made of 999 pure silver. No casting and no electric tools were used in the process. Size: 42mm (excluding the top bail)
(This is my 100th porkboy, and I look forward to adding more to the menu. Hope you all enjoy this hog.)
I have a lot of longpigs who freely offer their meat, but not many go as far as this porker. Between sending me photos of himself covered in olive oil or butter or outright telling me I knew I wanted to roast him, we both knew it was only a matter of time before I invited him over for dinner.
He was especially proud of his belly pork and big, meaty tits, but don’t worry, I enjoyed every delicious pound of this pig, and at over 260 pounds of boypork, there was a lot of pig to enjoy.
Much as I love fattening my own pigs, making sure their meat is up to my standards, this pig was already blue ribbon when we met. He was so eager he even fasted for three days before meeting me and shaved, so he was ready to cook from the moment we met.
For this pig I chose a spiced cranberry, pecan, and longpig sausagemeat stuffing, until that jiggly belly was tight as a drum. After that, I covered every inch of that pork with a maple glaze, and believe me, I had to use a lot of glaze to cover this hog. After that, I just needed to truss him up, shove an apple in his mouth, and slide him into the oven on a low heat, perfect to let my him feel his fat melting, his skin cracking to expose the meat beneath, every moment of his transition from metomeal as the delicious smell of roasting longpork filled the kitchen.
He was totally right about his belly and tits. That meat was so tender it melted into my mouth, delicious and beautifully marbled, the fat making the meat extra juicy. His rump was also beautiful - but let’s face it, with a feast like this every bite is beautiful.
I have a big appetite, but I ate until my belly was straining, and I still feel like I barely made a dent in this hog. Usually I’d invite some friends around to join me for such a big meal, but when you have a porkboy like this offer you his meat, why would you waste it by doing something as stupid as sharing? I was feasting on this meat for weeks, even making some sandwiches and rice dishes to enjoy in public. It always turns me on to eat longpork in public while scouting for my next meal, but let’s be honest, a hog like this is going to be hard to top.
A lot of chefs are jealous of the quality of the willing longpigs that volunteer. Whether they’re lean, fatty, or Hansels like this one who gain weight to reach their true potential as pork, I get some of the best meat volunteering.
Sure, sometimes you see a guy on the street and get a craving, but when it comes to the willing pigs? I’m the chef a lot dream of.
How do I do it? The answer, of course, is I know exactly how to treat my stock. I know exactly how each pig wants to be treated, and I follow through.
Cooking is a non-issue: most pigs want to be cooked alive, and if one does want to be butchered, I can do that, too - it’s always helpful to have a supply of butchered pork in the freezer. If a pig comes willingly they’re entitled to a certain level of input into their eventual fate. Of course, if a pig wants to be butchered and I can tell they deserve a roast, or a barbeque, I’ll usually ignore that request, but once I’ve explained to them just how delicious they’ll be, they’re usually happy to comply.
Some pigs dream of being caged and forcefed, others want to go about their lives as they fatten up. This hog here wanted to be spoiled, then stewed. So I spoiled him. Vacations abroad, getting fattened up on longpig, video games, shopping sprees. Then, he wanted to be stewed up on his 23rd.
This photo was taken on day three of his fast, while I was out buying the last ingredients needed for the feast. He was so concerned with being as delicious as he’d always dreamed that I didn’t even need to worry about him sneaking a snack.
When I got home I prepped him, and this pig was more than eager. between shoving stuffing up his ass and shovelling it down his throat this hog was totally full. then, I just needed to shove an apple between his teeth and put him into the stewpot with plenty of vegetable, herbs, and spices. I didn’t even need to tie this hog up, the thought of trying to escape didn’t even cross his mind. I’d given him the perfect experience and he was only too happy to stew up for me, and I was only too happy to finally put this pig where he belonged - in my gut.
Chefs, if you treat your pigs exactly how they deserve and want, you’ll get plenty more porkboys volunteering. Believe me, it’s worth it.
