#lucien angst

Without a doubt, she is both his bane and his salvation.

A reference to the “R&S - Not Planned On”.

Genre: Angst

Words:3187 words

When was it?

Since when did someone like Lucien, who had never yearned for anything, come to desire something more than the fleeting sense of fulfilment from realizing his plans and meeting his goals?

“Even if you’re dangerous, I trust you.”

It was her.

It was all because of that delicately foolish and yet radiant girl.

Then again, if that girl was truly as foolish as Lucien had claimed her to be, then what of himself who was moved by those too-good-to-be-true words on that day at the aquarium?

The girl was the only person in this world who could effortlessly stir up inexplicable emotions within Lucien. In fact, ever since he started considering about the girl’s feelings or when he started to truly enjoy the moments that he had spent with the girl, be it as her show’s consultant, her next-door neighbor, or a close confidant, Lucien had known for certain that he had changed.

As much as he wanted to rationalize or reject these changes, he couldn’t refute the fact that he had gradually come to cherish the girl’s presence in his life and the thought of her eventually finding out about his affiliations with Black Swan had unexpectedly brought up a sense of dread within him.

It was an unavoidable outcome. He knew that before he had taken up the mission to approach the girl, who was regarded as the Queen. However, aborting the mission was not an option as it would bring nothing but more risks to the girl and setbacks to his plans. Therefore, he had to carry on with the mission, no matter what.

If that was the case, then…

Let nature take its course.

That was the only option that would allow him to stay at the girl’s side and keep her safe for as long as possible. Of course, it was nothing more than a temporary measure, but it was the only one that would prolong this beautiful illusion a little longer.

Thus, Lucien didn’t put much effort into fulfilling the mission and he didn’t stop the girl from investigating deeper into the matters related to Black Swan. In fact, he even aided the girl in her investigations, in spite of the risks those actions would bring to himself. Even after she had eventually found out about his identity as Ares, he allowed her to escape and chose to bear the punishment for failing the mission.

To be honest, the distance that he was willing to go for the girl without a second thought was both baffling and fascinating to Lucien.

Of course, he had always expected that his constant involvement with that girl would bring about changes to his life. Still, he hadn’t been able to anticipate back then, whether those changes would be beneficial or detrimental to himself. As for now…

If it is now, then Lucien can state with certainty.

That girl is both his bane and his salvation.

————————–

The flowers on the roadside had swayed gently in the wind as Lucien stared at the entrance of the abandoned building of the Quarantine Zone that was still draped with police tapes. It had been months since the mayhem that had occurred within the Quarantine Zone, but Lucien would still come here occasionally.

Even though he usually doesn’t even have time for himself, he would still spend a few minutes lingering outside the entrance of the Quarantine Zone. He would merely stare at the entrance of the building silently, while being immersed within his own thoughts.

Despite knowing this to be a futile deed, he couldn’t bring himself to stop going there. Perhaps, it was because this was the last place she had been before she disappeared without a trace from the world.

Thinking back, Lucien found the situation to be rather ironic.

It was due to their opposing standpoints that Lucien distanced himself from the girl, believing it to be the best course of action since his affiliation with Black Swan had made him a threat to the girl’s safety.

Even so, when he heard that the girl had participated in the celebration parade, which was deduced as the location of the next viral outbreak, Lucien had thrown aside everything and rushed to the venue to find the girl, barely being in time to save her from being run over by a bus. Nevertheless, he didn’t reveal his presence to the girl and quietly left the scene after ensuring the girl’s safety.

That would be the last time that he would ever see her.

In the end, Lucien wasn’t there by her side when she needed him the most.

Although the incident at the Quarantine Zone had been covered up by the STF with a mix of vague and fabricated information, it wasn’t difficult for anyone to imagine how dangerous and chaotic the actual situation had been at that time.

What would the girl’s state of mind be in facing that chaos?

He couldn’t fathom it.

Lucien’s only bit of solace would be the fact that she hadn’t been alone in facing that predicament.

Victor had been there with her.

Needless to say, the CEO of LFG had refused to tell Lucien the exact details of the event in the Quarantine Zone, let alone what happened to the girl. Nonetheless, Victor did reveal one fact to the professor during their last conversation.

“I will definitely bring her back.”

That single declaration seemed to imply that the girl was still alive but away in some unreachable place. Coupled that with what Lucien knew about the girl’s connection to the Black Cabin, the professor was able to deduce that the “unreachable place” was most likely a parallel world.

Even so, it was inconceivable for the girl to instantly be able to utilize the Black Cabin’s power to travel to another world when all she could do recently was merely viewing vague visions of the future.

Then, a fluke?

Or perhaps, an instinctive reaction of self-preservation?

Regardless, the fact that the girl still lives was what really mattered. He hadn’t lost her completely, not yet.

Finding the Black Cabin was the best way to reach the girl and the study of space-time travel would be the most likely path for him to achieve that. So, Lucien worked tirelessly on the progress of both the research on space-time travel and the vaccine for the flu virus at the same time.

It was after a month had passed since the girl’s disappearance that the research on space-time travel, which had been ongoing for nearly a year, had finally reached its conclusion.

While Lucien was no stranger to the success and failure of scientific research, the outcome of this particular research had left him feeling so utterly helpless for the first time. Based on the outcome of the research, it was proven impossible for Lucien to determine the girl’s whereabouts, let alone bring her back to their world.

In short, there was nothing he could do.

Without realizing it, the butterfly he cherished had flown far beyond his grasp.

Despite the disheartening result, Lucien refused to despair just yet.

Knowing how strong-willed and determined the girl could be, he held on to the possibility of her making her way back on her own.

If all he could do for her now was to wait for her return, then Lucien would ensure that the world would still be there for her to return to by ending this influenza outbreak.

Then, he will wait for as long as it takes for her to return here.

————————–

Unknowingly, another three months had passed since then.

Not one to stay idle, Lucien had kept himself busy in monitoring the situation and adjusting his plans accordingly. The research on the vaccine for the flu virus was completed successfully not long ago, which put an end to the influenza outbreak that had been gripping the people with fear for months. As a consequence, Lucien was hailed as a “savior” by the public, much to his chagrin.

To him, the title of “savior” had sounded more like mockery than praise since he was the original creator of the virus. He didn’t deserve the respect or gratitude of the masses for doing this. If anything, he had merely rectified the problem that arose from his own creation.

Even though Hades was the one who had stolen his abandoned prototype and put it to use, it was still undeniable that the virus had originated from his hands. Thus, he was also responsible for the repercussions that were brought about by the influenza outbreak.

Since his involvement in the creation of the virus was only known by Hades and the girl, this secret would be buried away once the outbreak had been contained. In other words, Lucien had merely tied up a loose end by creating the vaccine for the outbreak.

Nonetheless, even when the influenza outbreak had been resolved, peace hadn’t returned to Loveland City. With the STF publicizing the existence of Evolvers and accusing Black Swan as the main instigator of the viral outbreak, the situation had been growing tense between Evolvers and non-Evolvers.

This situation had been accounted for in Lucien’s plans, though.

Still, it wasn’t his place to interfere in the conflicts between STF and Black Swan since he had already left the latter. Instead, he had much work to do as the head of the newly-rebuilt Ultima Bioresearch facility. With the increased workloads, Lucien became so busy that he would sometimes lose count of the number of sleepless nights and skipped meals that had passed.

By the time he noticed, a wry smile would cross his lips as he thought of how the girl would have scolded him for being so negligent of his own wellbeing. This idle thought would then bring about the familiar throbbing pain at his chest that always came about whenever he thought of her.

Silently, Lucien would endure the pain until it had passed completely before heading out to grab a light meal or trying to take a short nap in his office. Even if he didn’t have much appetite nor could he fall asleep nowadays, he would still try to fulfill what the girl would have asked of him. This was because he knew without a doubt that she would be upset if she were to witness his current state. After all, she still cared deeply about him, in spite of their opposing stances.

This may also be his wishful thinking, but by taking care of himself as she had asked of him, Lucien carried the hope that, likewise, the girl will also be keeping herself safe, wherever she is.

It was unlike him to have such wishful thoughts, much less clinging onto the seemingly brittle hope of the girl’s eventual return. Still, he can’t help it. Whenever the girl was concerned, his actions and thoughts would somehow be influenced by emotions. In fact, he could no longer view the world with the same indifference that he initially possessed before meeting her.

These changes were the traces that the girl had left in him.

If he was to lose her, will those traces remain with him or will they vanish along with her?

Lucien chose to shelve that thought, being adamant that it wouldn’t happen.

Whether it was a certainty or merely self-assurance, only the professor himself knew for sure.

Nonetheless, the answer had arrived unbidden on one particular winter.

Lucien had been reminiscing on a memory of the last winter that was spent together with the girl when he was suddenly assaulted by a vision of himself strangling the girl’s delicate neck with his own hand. It was evidently a vision from the other world since Lucien had no recollection of it ever happening before. Nonetheless, the abrupt vision had left his mind reeling with a mix of emotions.

Shock, confusion, concern and then a sense of urgency.

The girl was in danger … and the threat was none other than himself. This was the worst possible situation for Lucien, one that he dreaded the most. Even so, the fact remained that there was nothing he could do in this situation, which frustrated him to the point of clenching his fist so tightly that it turned pale-white. It was after a few seconds had passed that he managed to compose himself and review the information that he could glimpse from that vision.

In the end, Lucien determined that as long as the girl still possessed her powers as a Queen, there was a high likelihood that her powers would trigger up instinctively in a life-or-death situation to protect herself, similar to how it might have been responsible in transporting her to the other world during the mayhem at the Quarantine Zone.

Besides that, regardless of how different the other world’s version of himself is to his current self, one thing was for certain. That is, he would never take unnecessary actions. So, he wouldn’t have bothered to kill someone with a tedious method, like strangulation… Unless he was trying to elicit some sort of reaction, that was, he was trying to confirm something.

So, the girl should be safe.

Still, Lucien can’t help but to feel uneasy. His expression remained impassive, but his tense posture had revealed a hint of apprehension. He had recently received information that STF had got their hands on the Evolution Accelerator, which was another one of his abandoned prototypes for the Black Swan Project, and successfully completed it.

The coincidental timing between the unpleasant vision from the other world and the info on the Evolution Accelerator’s completion had left him somewhat ill at ease, especially when he knew that the prototype couldn’t be completed due to the missing “gene model” or “evolution core” that was deemed unobtainable.

It was either the information was false or the STF had somehow gotten their hands on the “evolution core”.

In order to find out the answer, Lucien had secretly infiltrated the location where the Evolution Accelerator had been hidden by the STF. Contrary to his expectation, what he discovered there was the “evolution core”, which he had deemed unobtainable, nestling securely within the interior of the Evolution Accelerator.

It was true.

His incomplete prototype had finally been perfected.

However, Lucien wasn’t the least bit pleased by that.

Instead, all he felt was a growing sense of dread and a seething anger that was barely held back by his rationality.

The “evolution core” was the inextricable part of the Queen and her powers. That was why Lucien had abandoned the idea of utilizing the accelerator and deemed it unobtainable. If the “evolution core” was now within the accelerator, wouldn’t that mean that the girl was currently powerless in the other world?

If that was true, then that vision from the other world that he had seen…

At that moment, the small and brittle hope that Lucien had held onto all this time seemed to have slipped away from his grasp.

Of all the possibilities and scenarios that he had anticipated, this outcome was something that he could never be prepared for.

The fact that it was him who had ended the girl’s life with his own hands.

————————–

After returning from STF’s hidden base, Lucien had been mulling over his past decisions. Even though he knew it was pointless to look back on the past, he couldn’t help but to wonder if there was anything that he could have done differently to prevent the current outcome. It didn’t take him long to realize that this line of thought and the accompanying emotion was what people commonly regarded as “regret”.

For the first time in a long while, Lucien had felt regret.

He regretted distancing himself from her.

Instead of staying away from her, he should have kept her close and never let go.

Now, he had lost her forever.

With her gone, the world had not only returned to being dull and lifeless, there was also an undeniable feeling of emptiness within him that constantly reminded him of her absence. Even something as trivial as the sight and scent of the blooming gardenias at the university garden or the cream puffs that were on display at the bakery that he passed by on the way to the research center could make him think of her.

It was strange how one would only yearn for another so desperately after losing them forever.

Perhaps, this was his punishment.

Nonetheless, Lucien had seemed as usual to others. He continued to interact with people when necessary and completed his tasks without any delays.

No matter what, life still goes on.

Even if he found the situation unacceptable, the truth cannot be changed.

In the end, he either accept it and move on or be stuck in stagnancy by succumbing to denial.

The choice was clear. He couldn’t give up on life just because it took much effort for him to continue living on with this loss. There were things that he must do and things that only he could do. He wasn’t so irresponsible as to turn away and abandon everything. Therefore, Lucien decided to visit the camphor tree, the place where everything had begun between him and the girl, in order to bid his last farewell.

With his hand on the tree’s trunk and his eyes closed, Lucien recalled all the memories that he had shared with the girl, such as when they had first met as children under the camphor tree, their “first” meeting as adults at the research center, when the girl had vowed to be with him and even kissed him during the aquarium visit and many more.

All these memories were filled with bittersweet happiness, which weren’t born out of manipulation nor were they fabricated. Those blissful moments were dazzling, precious … and they will forever remain unattainable to Lucien.

After breathing out deeply, Lucien withdrew his hand from the tree trunk and turned around. As he lifted his gaze, his eyes had widened in surprise. Standing before him under the shadow of the tree was the girl whom he had missed dearly. She had looked the same as the last time he had seen her.

With her hands clasped behind her back, she was smiling brightly at him and Lucien could see himself being reflected within her warm brown eyes. The radiant colors that enveloped her petite figure was gradually seeping into her surroundings, bringing life to the once monochrome world.

She wasn’t real. She can’t be real.

Lucien kept telling himself while staring at the phantom before him.

Even though he knew that the girl before him was merely an illusion, he couldn’t deny the sense of relief and awe that had washed over him at the sight of her and the colors that she had brought to the world. He can’t help but to let out a chuckle as he realized belatedly his immediate reaction to the illusion.

She had always been the one and only person who could throw off his judgement.

Without a doubt, she is both his bane and his salvation.