#mostly for my sake
This piece was written before the challenge even started, but I found it went with the prompt well enough and actually wanted to share it.
I have been through a lot in my life, and one day sometime in… april? this year, I had a massive panic attack. Once I was calm enough, I wrote this. It was very therapeutic, and I want any of you who use self shipping as a coping mechanism to place yourself and your F/O into this piece if you can relate to it. We all need support when reminded of harder times, and sometimes that support comes from a fictional character.
It only took once for Kolivan to realize when he was not welcome as a comfort. Eliza had flinched when he approached her, made herself so small and wouldn’t look at him, and he knew then and there that it didn’t matter how much she cared for him, he was intimidating her. It hurt, and he couldn’t deny that, but he also knew that she had been through many horrible experiences. He knew that for whatever reason, she did not need him right now.
Still, he had not wanted to leave her alone in her room as she was, barely keeping her eyes off of the floor and hands scratching at her throat as she struggled to breathe. So, he called Allura down, begged her, really.
Allura arrived to see Kolivan sitting on the other side of the room from Eliza, sitting with his legs crossed on the floor and making himself as small as possible. He looked a so much less intimidating like this, she thought, but she couldn’t fathom why he wasn’t trying to comfort the shaking girl in the corner. Quietly, Allura sat beside Eliza, making hushing sounds and trying to calm the girl down. It took a while to get the details out, but when she did, Allura understood. Intimidation was something hard to unlearn.
-
When Allura was gone, and Eliza could breathe again, even if it did still hurt, she finally managed to look over at Kolivan. He looked hurt and worried, but stayed where he was.
“I’m sorry-” She said, the first thing to spring to her lips. She was always sorry. Sorry for being a burden, sorry she had hurt him with her actions, sorry she hadn’t been strong enough to avoid becoming a victim, sorry that she was always-
“Don’t. Please.” His voice was soft, a whisper, and his tone gentle. It wasn’t a command. Eliza went to argue, but closed her mouth instead and watched him carefully move closer.
“Do not be sorry.” Kolivan whispered to her, “I did not realize what you had gone through. If you wish for me to leave, I will-“
“No!” She chokes on her words, heaving before she repeats, “No. Please… stay.”
He nods, shoulders relaxing, and she forces herself closer to him. He holds out a hand, hesitating, and asks if he may pet her hair. Eliza nods – she adores it when Kolivan pets her hair.
Even though she is prepared for it, Eliza still flinches when Kolivan’s fingers are almost touching her head. He stops immediately, and Eliza can’t help but blurt out once more, “I’m sorry.”
“Do not be.” He whispers, and Eliza is shocked to see concern on his face, but no offence. He smiles at her, tended and small but so him that it makes her take in a deep breath. The movement makes her head bump up into Kolivan’s hand, which remains with her afterwards. Gently, so terribly gently, Kolivan begins petting her head and playing with her hair, and Eliza takes three more deep breaths before her muscles finally stop clenching.
The shaking starts, then – the exhaustion from crying, the lack of air, and the reverb in her muscles from being stiff for so long is taking its toll. She feels like shit, but it’s still better than the breathless panic from before.
“Do you want to be held?” Kolivan asks, so quiet Eliza almost doesn’t hear him. She thinks about it, longer than she should, but he waits patiently.
“I… maybe.” Is all she says, and he nods, moving slowly until they are sitting side by side, his fingers still combing through her hair. His body language is relaxed and open, and even though she knows he is looking at her, he keeps his gaze on the wall to avoid staring. Eliza leans into his side, and then hiccups – but he doesn’t move, doesn’t trap her, and so she stays, shaking against him.
It takes minutes, hours, who knows how long before she finally lets herself relax into him, and all at once the tears are back. But now, the fear is gone, and she can close her eyes and cry into his chest without worry. He asks if he can hold her now, and she nods vigorously, only crying harder when his warm arms envelop her and he begins nuzzling her head.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-“ She keeps repeating, but he shushes her quietly and pets her, riding out the wave of apology and tears. Empty exhaustion is all she feels when she’s done, and the cocoon of warmth Kolivan provides is a reassuring burrow compared to the harsh world outside of his arms. He’s still petting her and nuzzling her, and even purring deep in his chest where she can feel it easily.
“Tired?” he asks, and she nods once, “May I pick you up?”
Another nod, and he does as he said he would, still slow and predictable, giving Eliza time to shove him away or say something. She doesn’t, only burrows into his chest deeper as he stands and makes his way to her bed. The sheets are pulled back, and Kolivan sits on the bed to deposit her, keeping her warm until the last moment.
“Stay.” She says. She doesn’t know if she wants to be alone or not, but if nothing else, Kolivan is so warm…
“Alright. Tell me if you need me to leave, alright?” Kolivan whispers, and Eliza nods as he nuzzles her face once more before adjusting himself in her tiny bed, folding himself around her once more. She stays there for what feels like hours before finally turning over, needing air and space but still feeling Kolivan’s body heat against her back.
“Is this okay?” He asks, and she mumbles a “mhm”. She needs space, but she doesn’t want Kolivan to leave her. Taking his hand, she maneuvers it until his chest is flush against her back, his arm holding her while she cuddles it like a stuffed animal.
“Thank you.” She whispers. Kolivan purrs and gives her a barely-there kiss on her head.
“I love you.” He whispers back, and Eliza lets out a final sigh at the words before falling asleep.
