#name of the rose
Today I am going to talk (rant? fangirl?) about something a little different. Mucha! No, lies, that’s just the hook. Really, I’m going to talk/rant/fangirl about monks. Medieval monks, to be precise. Hot medieval monks, to be especially precise. Bear with me here–aren’t you a little curious?
Anybody who hangs around here long enough must see the influence Alphonse Mucha has on me.
Duh.
But for a long time I always figured Mucha was only into drawing ladies, since, you know, HAIR, and that’s kinda his pleasure. Then I saw a few examples of what his men looked like, and I was like okay, they’re cool too, but no HAIR, obviously.
Cool, but something was missing…
And then I saw this.
Now, as some of you might also be aware, I have a PhD in Medieval History. Specifically, I have a PhD in Medieval Monks. (Okay, that’s not what my diploma says, but that’s pretty much what it actually is.) And this Mucha piece is, like, amazing on every possible level. Mucha and I must have some deep-rooted visual agreement on, like, everything, because even his monks are amazing.
Let me remind the reader that this is how medieval monks see themselves:
(No, Brother A is not murdering Brother B with a machete–he’s shaving his tonsure for him. Hold still, Brother B, or you may get a little cut…)
According to a casual google image search (deep research skills at work here–thanks grad school), this is how modern pop culture sees monks:
^^^The producers of bad pop chant. (Gregorian chant Celine Dion, anyone?) On a side note, why do these guys always look like Ringwraiths in their promo images…? Maybe that ties into:
^^^Terrifying hooded demons who never show their faces and hence must be trying to murder you in the night. (My dad actually gets this vibe from monks too, and nothing I say or do will dissuade him.)
^^^Part of Victorian illustrations of medieval scenes. Getting harassed by laymen here?
^^^Ill-advised Halloween costumes for kids. ?????? Seriously, not even my future kids would be subjected to this. Probably.
^^^Ill-advised ‘60s rock groups.
^^^These guys. (Seriously, this is definitely a late medieval joke, ‘cause I can tell you my 9th-century guys weren’t flagellants…but I can still appreciate.)
All of these, plus lots and lots of 1.) artsy photos of monks in deserted shadowy cloisters, and 2.) Eastern monks, esp. of the Shaolin variety.
Also horrific stuff like the monks in the movie version of Name of the Rose:
I mean. What. I seem to recall that last guy being hot in the book, but maybe I’m retconning that in my head as an avoidance mechanism…I mean, he does convince another dude to fuck him, so…either he must’ve been at a basic level of fuckability or else that must’ve been one powerful-ass manuscript worth fucking this guy to get a hold of. Yeesh.
^^^I mean, this guy’s probably like the local hottie in this monastery. Like, movie-makers, I get it, the monastery is cursed or whatever. That doesn’t mean it has to look it. That’s such a, you know, medieval view of things.
The monks in BBC Cadfaelare less wtf:
^^^Derek Jacobi is a cutie, of course.
^^^No comment.
^^^Abbot Do-Nothing.
^^^Okay, I think Oswin has this look on about 9 out of 10 times in these episodes. Maybe not including the time he was unconscious during Virgin in the Ice. And if it’s not that shobon! face, it’s this derpy one:
But hey, all in all, Cadfael monks are fairly normal-looking dudes. I can see medieval monks looking like that IRL. I guess there’s something nicer in the water in western England and Wales than there is in Italian monasteries…
This is how I see monks:
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
Super hot.
Hot–uh, oh, um, I mean, cute. No pedo.
Okay, maybe my expectations are unrealistic.
I guess there’s always Blagden in Vikings(at least in season 1), who kinda approximates how I imagine monks:
And also some monks in action flicks about Vikings. Like, this guy is passable:
(Fun, totally unnecessary fact: same guy who played Montparnasse in the 2012 movie-musical Les Mis.)
But yeah, Mucha understands me.
Still no HAIR, of course (not even really hair in the normal sense, lol), but look at those graceful little Mucha fingers, and those precise features, and those voluminous folds, gawd! Yep, Mucha gets me. Mucha and I, we get it. Monks too can be hot–it’s not about the habit, it’s about the guy in it. As the very wise French put it, “L’habit ne fait pas le moine” (“The habit doesn’t make the monk,” i.e., don’t judge a book by its cover). Hire some hot guys, tonsure ‘em, stick ‘em in habits, and you’ll have one hot monk movie…instead of Name of the Rose.
