#oh fuck yes

hit-it-or-crit-it:

by “good” I mean “this npc is enjoyable as a character”, not “this npc is moral”

1. I have no gender, only (pick at least one: an air of mystery, a bouyant outpouring of joie de vivre, a rare extra-large helping of calm common sense)

2. I’m old and I’ve been doing weird and questionably legal experiments, arcane or mundane, since before your parents were born, whippersnapper

3. Oh, hello! I almost didn’t see you there. Welcome to my place of work, where I am being very sexy, both by being a supportive listener and also having excellent hair.

4. as a former adventurer myself, I am so sorry to inform you that it be like that some times. Do you need a potion of healing or some tea?

5. I’M JUST A BARTENDER WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME SO MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS

6. annoying sibling, but in the end, ride or die

7. annoying sibling, who was evil all along

8. I initially come off as a reasonable and even helpful authority figure which will make my betrayal much more gut-wrenching

9. has justifiably been driven absolutely insane by the nightmarish surroundings in which they find themselves and is now going to seriously fuck things over for your party because you crossed paths with them, even though it’s really not their fault

10. WHY DID YOU BRING ME INTO BATTLE I KNOW YOU’VE IMPRINTED ON ME FOR SOME REASON, BUT I ONLY HAVE 6 HIT POINTS

11. I’m middle-aged, still extremely attractive, and I’ve been doing weird and absolutely illegal experiments, arcane or mundane since you were a child, and I’m going to kill you now

12. 1800s London Street Urchin, but make it D&D

13. I would gladly destroy the universe to gain personal immortality, also my voice is calibrated to be the exact timbre to raise the hairs on everyone’s neck (frequently overlaps with 11)

14. I have the misfortune of being a guard for the being against whom you have a vendetta and I am about to get one-shot killed by the rogue, because of course I am

15. I am a highly ranked authority figure in the realm, and you are a horrible adventuring party.

16. Loving parent who is trying their best in a setting that basically makes a cottage industry of murdering the heroes’ parents

17. WHY DID YOU BRING ME INTO BATTLE I KNOW WE’RE FRIENDS/RELATIVES, BUT I STILL ONLY HAVE 6 HIT POINTS (frequently overlaps with 16)

18. Crochety dwarf who sounds like they’re reading Scottish Twitter

19. I appear irritated but it’s only because you pretty insensitively interrupted my (pick one: sparring practice, study time); I have a soft spot for you idiots despite myself.

20. I am a small business owner specifically because I’m so fucking weird that I couldn’t make a living in any other capacity

cuddleslutloki:

okay let’s talk about thor fucking loki on a table. loki’s sitting on the edge with his legs wrapped around thor and they’re probably in one of their bedrooms or sth and loki just won’t shut up and thor is losing his damn mind bc loki is ofc known for his silver tongue but he’s in rare form with thor balls deep

“love that you fuck the same way you kill”
“gods you’re barely a man right now, don’t stop”
“are you going to take care of me, big brother?”

it’s provocation and love and need and thor doesn’t know what to do with it so he just fucks loki harder and harder bc he hopes that if he goes hard enough loki will stop talking

but it doesn’t happen loki drags him close and cums on him and just keeps. fucking. talking. and it’s worse when thor cums, buries himself deep while loki holds him in

“i want everything, fill me up”

and when thor is lazy in the afterglow loki petting his scalp and going “there he is”

and thor is just wrecked