Simon is patron saint of the tin of soup at the back of gran’s cupboard. Cream of beef and biscuit crumb. That’s where she hides the money.
Betty is patron saint of the funny little furniture shop just off the high street that always has a sale on. You need an armchair but you leave with a map of Snæfellsjökull and a shovel. “If you find the chest,” the owner tells you, “the contents are yours.”
Xavier, patron saint of that black-and-white movie you saw once, but can’t quite remember. There was a casino, I think? And the heroine lived on a boat with a parakeet named Bogart. It was amazing.
Will is patron saint of The Thing that lives under pub carpets, the really bright ones like migraine auras. Where do they come from, even? Anyway, The Thing loves them and wants a pint.
