Her (v/o): This is my last pregnancy. I promise this time. I know, I’ve said that every other time I’ve been pregnant…and this is my fourth now…but…I’ll be honest…I love being a mom…and I really love being pregnant…and I have to admit even though I’m big and round and sore, I look really sexy this way…but…four is a good place to stop. This is going to be my last pregnancy…I promise…
Her (v/o): I wanted to roleplay for my husband…the demure, somewhat diminutive wife who’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, busily making him dinner when he comes home from a long day…but secretly, I’m ready for him to grab me, throw me on the bed and lick his dinner off of my belly…
Her (v/o): I have secrets. Many secrets. I’m sure you’re curious to know some of them. Like…why she’s always got her belly out?…Why does it always seem like she’s flirting with me?…And I have some answers…first of all, my belly is always out because it’s more comfortable. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know…my belly is stretched out, and it’s sore and tight and itchy…and covering it with a shirt isn’t always so nice…so I prefer my belly out…and while my belly is out…it doesn’t mean I’m flirting with you…but I do like the attention…and if you’re staring at my belly…maybe silently wishing you could give it a little rub…and I catch you…it does turn me on…
Her: I couldn’t believe it rained so hard today…I’m glad you were there with me. You know it’s hard for me to run…or waddle…after our son at the playground…and taking him to a birthday party and all his friends just makes it more difficult…you know how fast he is now…I can’t believe it was hailing…so I’m glad you were with me…nice husband and daddy…holding the umbrella over us until the storm passed…I know my belly is too big to fit under the umbrella…I had to get my wet shirt off as soon as we got home…but now that our son is napping…and I have this big belly sticking out…wanna lie down and enjoy it?
Someone said that to me once, just kind of good-natured preggo teasing. Some might find it a little mean, but I didn’t. I am blowing up. And…if you really must know…the assertion that I’m “blowing up…”
(Pause, rubs her belly)
…And I’m really blowing up…
(Rubs her belly some more)
…the assertion that I’m blowing up really turns me on…
Her (v/o): I admit it. It was secretly my plan all along to be the Pregnant Office Chick. There’s one in every office, isn’t there? A woman who’s perpetually pregnant? She has a baby, then six, maybe eight months later she says she’s pregnant again, and then a bit after her second, poof, pregnant again? There was a perpetually pregnant woman at my last job. I was…I have to admit I was a little jealous…so I changed jobs about four years ago…and that’s when I started getting pregnant…my third is due next month…
Her: I deem today an underwear day. I’m not feeling putting on clothes…and it’s about all I can muster to get my breasts in a bra…that’s enough confinement for this big mama. If you need me, I’ll be over here. In my underwear. Kthxbai.
Her (v/o): The tighter the dress…the more I like it…I feel like that’s been the most fun part of being pregnant…stuffing my absurdly oversized belly into a dress that’s clearly not meant to support this kind of girth…just to see what happens…and if it fits…that’s what I’m wearing today…
Her: What have you done to me?! I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago…now I can’t fit anything around my boobs…and before you get any wise ideas, mister, they’re also sore as hell so it’s look but don’t touch only!
Her: I did notice you staring at me…or were you staring at my bump…it’s OK. I’m pretty big, I get it, and it’s only natural for your eyes to be drawn to me. Pregnancy is, after all, very natural…perhaps…a bit sexual…and I do wear these tight, form-fitting bodycon outfits because…and I don’t admit it unless I catch someone looking at me…I wear them because I like it when my belly gets attention…would you like to touch it?
Her (v/o): I’d pulled out a bunch of cute outfits for my maternity photo shoot. And I’d lined them all up…and I was looking at them…and my husband came into the bedroom and saw me from behind…and he slapped my butt…I turned around to half heartedly admonish him…but he stopped me and said “Helloooo, sexy mama!”
Her (v/o): He dared me to try and fit into that bikini I wore last year. I couldn’t resist trying. And…well…I got half of it on…the bottom part of it didn’t make it up my thighs…and…I’ll be honest…I kinda can’t breathe in this top…so maybe I’ll go back to the hotel room and change into something more comfortable…belly’s still gonna be hanging out though.
Her: No, I still have another two months before I’m due…yeah…I…I know I’m going to be really huge by then…I’ve accepted it. Tiny women grow big bellies…especially when they have big husbands like I do…5’0” and my husband is 5’11”…Oh, sure, we want to have more…I’ve always wanted a big family…can’t imagine what I’d look like pregnant with twins…I’d probably be bedridden…or I’d topple over from the sheer magnitude of my bump!
Her (v/o): We’re both Jewish, my husband and I, and we don’t celebrate Easter. And he’s kind of let down because he said he really wanted to paint my belly, now that it’s so round and egg-like. So, we thought about it. There’s an egg on the Seder plate, but there’s nothing really festive about it. It’s just an egg. There’s gefilte fish, but that’s just a shapeless blob. We arrived on matzoh. It’s not round at all, but that’s the best thing we could come up with. So, if you see a pregnant chick walking around with a piece of matzoh painted on her belly…that’s me.
Her (v/o): Sometimes when I look at photos of myself from when I was pregnant, I feel very wistful. It’s so strange, because in the moment I was sore and tired. But now, I look at myself…I was so huge…and I really miss that feeling…rubbing my belly, feeling all those kicks and rolls inside me…might have to think about doing that again soon…
Her: I’m getting kicked, that’s why I keep giggling. I know you’d like to get a nice photo of me in this cute dress but I think you should put your camera down and come feel our baby moving around inside me.
