Things Which Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza Is No Longer Allowed to Do

Foreward:

The Golden Throne, in the interest of minimizing inter-throne conflict, proposes this list of acts which will be considered declarations of war when performed by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza. It is not intended to single out the esteemed holder of The Salvage Throne and High Lord-Hero of All Goblins, but rather is directed to them in recognition of their peculiar abilities and frame of mind. It should be understood that such acts would likewise be considered acts of war if performed by any Throne holder if they were able to perform them to the level of skill and ability of Artificer Supreme Proq Khaasza.

While the Diplomatic Community of Urtrament Throne Holders is not able to exercise authority over Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza, they being as sovereign as any other Throne holder, the following items will be considered to be acts of war, and responded to accordingly, by the undersigned Throne holders.

The original of this document shall be held by The Golden Throne, while Sympathetic Copies will be provided to all Throne Holders. Additions to this list may be proposed by any Throne Holder, after which they will be discussed and voted on by the Diplomatic Community of Throne Holders, in meetings arranged by The Vellum Throne.

Signature of this document indicates agreement to its terms but does not bind a signatory to act in any particular way.

(this document has been signed by all known Throne holders save for Proq Khaasza and Sunken Throne Holder Kol'Khiaq)

Things Which The Diplomatic Community of Urtrament Will Henceforth Consider Acts of War by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza

1. Usage of ink composed of deep shadow and black sand in letters sent to other Throne holdersanyone.
2. Handing out Black Bags and Desecration Tape to any goblins
3. Teleporting around the world over the course of one night and leaving any powerful magic items in the shoes of goblins while they sleep
4. Any research into the alchemical composition of the body which produces the Goblin Condition with the goal of creating a Goblinization Elixir
5. Creation of Carrying at diplomatic functions any form of Greater Bag of Tricks made through the use of high level conjuration magic, especially those which conjure proxies of Primal Beasts (we can’t stop them from making these things, but by all the gods, we can bar them from carrying them to official functions)
6. Providing said Greater Bags of Tricks to attendants who are then brought to said functions as Salvage Throne staff.
7. Handing out said Greater Bags of Tricks to anyone who will then be within a mile of a diplomatic function.
8. Creating false bottoms composed of sugar and containing Alchemists Fire in the bed pans of other Throne holders through any means, whether magical or infiltration of serving staff.
9. Providing “medicine” which is actually Tanglefoot compound in pastille capsules to other Throne holders
10. Replacing the silverware, glassware, or dishes at any diplomatic function dinner with Thunderstones which have been Stone Shaped into the appropriate form.
11. Setting Thunderstones into the backs of chairs at said functions and then provoking other Throne holders such that they suddenly stand and knock their chair over.
12. Doing anything on this list to God Throne holder Ny-Aarnd, “even though nobody likes The God Throne.” (While true, he tends to make it everybody’s problem)
13. Making gifts of clothingtapestriescoffersgoldANYTHINGwhich are actually polymorphed skeletonszombieswolvesDaemon DragonsANYDANGEROUSCREATUREwith a non-permanent duration. (Lets not take the chance of letting them get around this with permanent durations)
14. The next time a rust monster is introduced to someone’s Coffer through any means at all, but especially through polymorphing the monster into coins and paying someone through coffer mark will be considered a declaration of war on the whole world, and in particular will be answered by the most highly trained and capable wardens available to The Golden Throne as we consider it to be both counterfeiting and debasement of the currency.
15. Placing Contingent Evil Weather effects with the trigger “hears the name Proq Khaasza spoken” on vermin which are then released into the palaces of other Throne holders.
16. Ditto for the trigger “hears (any Throne holder’s) name.”
17. Such Contingent Evil Weather effects are likewise not to be placed on serving staff of the palace.
18. These condemnations also go for any birds which are then released into the area surrounding a palace any settlement.
19. These condemnations also apply to the following triggers: the death of the creature bearing the spell, the birth of an heir to the Throne holder, hearing profanity or obscenities, when the creature bearing the spell leaves the palace, when the creature bearing the spell is targeted by Dispel Magic.
20. Offering to help a Throne holder who is suffering a headache, heartburn, indigestion, muscle spasms, or any other physical ailment and then doing so by teleporting the offending body part out of their body.
21. The same goes for mental ailments and brains.
22. Heartburn is likewise not to be “treated” through making an incision on the person and casting Chill Metal on their blood, even if “technically, it should work due to the iron content of blood.”
23. Note to all Throne Holders– At this point, anyone who accepts medical assistance from Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza gets what they deserve. It should be well-known by now that while they may be able to treat any kind of ailment or wound, they are not doing so in good faith, no matter what they say.
24. Ending any oath with the words “or may the Heavens fall,” especially when the oath is magically bound.
25. Ending any oath with the words “or may Daemons take us all,” especially when the oath is magically bound.
26. Ending any oath with the words “or may we all be violated by Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion,” especially when the oath is magically bound, whether that’s a real spell or not.
27. Make any magically bound oath through verbal agreement. Magically bound oaths made by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza must be made in written form such that they will be null and void if they introduce any non-agreed upon additions, and will not become binding until both parties have signed–And Proq must sign first.
28. All clothing, equipment, jewelry, and other possessions carried or brought by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza are subject to Identification prior to their entrance to diplomatic events, meetings, or functions. Failure to comply will be considered an act of war.
29. Note to all Throne Holders– All condemnations to which Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza is subject by this list must likewise explicitly be applied to Manacled Throne Holder Rald Ghonaeg. As Proq has pointed out, while they are, perhaps, uniquely likely to conceive of these actions, Rald is as capable of performing them, due to his usage of Efreeti-Wish magic to claim and maintain his throne.
30. Note to all Throne Holders– While they are more likely to fight than collaborate, Proq Khaasza and Rald Ghonaeg are not to interact. Any outcome will become everyone’s problem in short order.
31. Creating an army of skeletons and providing them cursed equipment, to then be placed in the path of Templar raiding forces such that this cursed equipment will be quickly looted by said Templars.
32. Note to all Throne Holders– Condemnation 31 does not apply within the territory of the Salvage Throne. Anyone who attempts to invade a sovereign territory unprepared for how the sovereign will respond–no matter how cruel, unorthodox, or otherwise “creatively malicious,”–brings such actions upon themselves, and it is not within the power of the Diplomatic Community to control how individuals defend their territories.
33. That said, the creation of the spell Proq’s Time Delay Bowel Disruption Curse disgusts all signatories of this document, and its use is considered to be disproportionate retribution, no matter the acts of the invading force.
34. Distribution of wands of Proq’s Bowel Disruption Curse to oppressed populaces will only result in the slaughter of said populaces you allegedly care about, Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza, I mean, really now.
35. In light of the fact that a sufficiently powerful casting of Proq’s Bowel Disruption Curse can produce the effect “Fatal Intestinal Maelstrom,” usage of the spell on any Throne holder, or soldier or guard thereof will be considered an act of war, and an investigation will be undertaken into how the caster acquired the spell or device which produced the effect.
36. It is the opinion of The Golden Throne that torture, especially that which causes bodily harm of any form, is an ineffective method of interrogation, and a despicable means of punishment. However, simply showing a captive tools or other implements of torture as a means of encouraging cooperation with an interrogation or persuasion is regarded as fairly innocuous.
    That said, when the “implement” is, to quote from reports, “an amorous half-dragon troll of immense stature, even for his race, with an elephantine erection,” who has allegedly been given “enough aphrodisiacs to kickstart a world-repopulating orgy,” it is the opinion of The Golden Throne and most other Thrones that this is over the line.
37. Whether said ogre is an immaterial illusion, or not.
38. Usage of mental compulsion magic to convince a subject that their blood has been replaced with “evil testicle-hating centipedes,” who will “chew their way to” said organs and “painfully destroy them,” is considered to be a method of psychological torture which will cause physical harm. It’s usage on other Throne holders or their official representatives will therefore be considered an act of war on par with other forms of torture used on such personages.
39. Actually transmuting a subject’s blood to “evil testicle-hating centipedes” through high-level polymorphification magic is not to be taken as a loophole in the above condemnation.
40. Even if the subject “deserves it.”
41. Transmuting the sex slaves of a Throne holder such that their orifices become “maws full of evil rapist emasculating fangs” is prohibited. Even if said slaves enthusiastically consented to the transmutation. Especially if they enthusiastically consented.
42. Note to All Throne Holders– Through majority vote, Condemnations 38 through 41 are invalid in the case of usage against individuals whose sex slaves are found or considered to be of particularly vulnerable demographics.
43. Note to All Throne Holders– Both the vote to consider sex slavery to be a despicable act of violation of sapient autonomy and the vote to declare it a practice with no official sanction by sovereign powers have been declared a draw. Individual Throne holders will hold their own opinions of this practice, and any actions undertaken by one Throne holder against another in regards to the practice are between the Throne holders in question. It is not the business of the Diplomatic Community to arbitrate such disagreements.
    That said, Condemnation 41 is still meant to be considered a broadly held opinion of the Diplomatic Community.
44. Usage of oneiromancy to attack Throne holders in ways condemned by this document will be regarded as if the actions occurred outside of dreams.
45. Note to All Throne Holders– All accusations that Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza used oneiromancy to assault a Throne holder in their dreams will be investigated to the fullest magical ability of The Vellum Throne. Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza is not culpable for your own nightmares, no matter how justified.
46. Note to All Throne Holders– It is not the business of the Diplomatic Community to arbitrate Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza “stealing your wives.”
47. Or girlfriends.
48. Or concubines.
49. Or daughters.
50. Note to All Throne Holders– If you do not want Proq Khaasza, High Lord Artificer and Protector of All Goblinkind and AEther’s Gift to Femmes seducing the people you consider “your property,” perhaps you should treat them better, and begin by not considering them property.
51. Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza is not to alter the master of this document through manipulation of their Sympathetic Copy, and the only reason their methods for doing such have not been investigated is for concern that any investigation would result in broader knowledge of how to subvert the magic which undergirds many binding contracts and agreements in Urtrament.
52. However, Statement 50 will remain by majority vote of the Diplomatic Community.
53. All future votes by the Diplomatic Community will involve affidavits verified through the most powerful divination magic available to The Vellum and Golden Thrones to prevent further manipulations through mental compulsion magic by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza.
54. The fact that it cannot be fully and definitively verified which members of the Diplomatic Community were mentally compelled prior to the vote held for Statement 52 is not to be taken by Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza as an endorsement of their actions with regards to Statements 50 through 52.
55. Usage of Necromantic Magic to control the bodies of dissidents executed by other Throne Holders to perform any musical number, but in particular ones involving the songs “Always Look On the Bright Side of Life,” “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts,” “Fuck You,” or “I’ve No More Fucks to Give,” will not be considered an Act of War, but please, do not do it again, Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza. It was verydisturbing.
56. We likewise apply Statement 55 to the following performance styles: Monologues, Soliloquies, Choruses, “Roasts,” “Flytings,” “Diss Tracks,” Vociferous Praise of the Executioner or Throne Holder, whether genuine or sarcastic, “curses from beyond the grave,” Stand Up Routines.
57. If it is found that Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza had anything to do with the rash of scolding apparitions which most Throne Holders experienced over the AEthertime Week of 3048 GL, the Diplomatic Community will convene to discuss what the consequences of this should be. Salvage Throne Holder Proq Khaasza should therefore consider this to be a condemnation of future instances of such apparitions, if they were in fact involved.
58. God Throne Holder Ny-Aarnd wishes to make it known that cursing him with “stereotypical villain motif music from a half copper street play, produced by a persistent Ghost Sound effect whenever (he) did anything” was not appreciated, nor funny, and he will consider future “juvenile curses” to be personal insults, and respond as he sees fit–quote, “ask the people who have insulted me before, I will rent you a shovel and map to their graves.”
59. The majority of the Diplomatic Community has voted to make it known “No, it actually was hilarious, and, compared to their typical exploits, Proq is encouraged to do it again.”
60. Note to All Throne Holders– The Golden Throne neither condones nor condemns such “Juvenile Curses,” save to say you are all, allegedly, adults, and encourage you to act like it.