#seat-safety-switch
Human hair is the Achilles’ heel of virtually any precision system. You name it: dishwashers, sex androids, spacecraft. Anywhere a person is involved, we’re shedding a ton of hair from every part of our body directly into the workings of a meticulously-designed machine.
Generally, this is fine. Sure, once in awhile you’ll notice a fan getting clogged up with hair, or a lot of gross gunk building up in your washing machine’s filter (go clean it out if you haven’t) but it doesn’t really impede function until it gets too bad. And then there’s vacuum cleaners.
A vacuum cleaner’s entire job in life is to pick up hair and put it into a central tank for later disposal. It turns out that this is an impossible task: if you have long hair in your house, you’ll spend more time clipping chunks of hair out of the boiling-hot rollers of the vacuum cleaner than you will actually cleaning. The apologists will tell you to do something radical, like vacuum the floor more than once every three months, but now is not the time for drastic solutions. Now is the time for a grotesque application of horsepower.
Here at Switch Labs, we’ve determined that the problem with these vacuum cleaners is that their wimpy-ass little motors just don’t have the grunt to push through some measly hair. And that’s understandable, if you’re building to a budget, and also if your company is run by some kind of British asshole who looks like he does cocaine with Harry Potter in the planetarium at the science centre. I make it clear to my employees every day: I will not tolerate the words “enough power” under any means. I’ve fired like fifty of them.
Of course, this sort of revolutionary change doesn’t come easy. It turns out you can only put about six hundred horsepower through a jet turbine before the carpet tears. We had to step it way back with reduction gears, which means that it’s a little delicate to get the vacuum started in the morning. That’s where the starter cart comes in: we got these Buick V-8 powered babies from military surplus, real fuckin’ cheap. And we passed the savings on to us. Who says sucking is easy?
