#seeking peace

Probably won’t be here for long but just wanted to acknowledge that yesterday was my birthday. I did celebrate it thanks to some dope friends but I also bawled my eyes out hours earlier. See, 3 days prior we had my mother’s homegoing service. 2 days prior to my 35th bday, I watched my mom’s casket be lowered into the ground. Today marks 2 weeks since she took her last breath and died, at home, peacefully in her sleep (just as she had wanted). 5 months before, she began at home hospice care. Almost 4 years since I left my job as a school social worker then newly hired afterschool program director, to care for her full time. Almost 8 years since she’d been diagnosed with an extremely rare form of cancer (adenoid cystic carcinoma) and I moved back to Brooklyn. I have no regrets about the time I dedicated to serving God through my service to the most amazing mom I could have ever asked for…I am grateful for each moment that we were able to spend together. Most of us will never see our purpose so clearly defined but if/when you do, I implore you to walk in that purpose. Today is bittersweet. Every day for the last 2 weeks has been. Probably for the last few years. I know my mom is at peace. The beautiful weather on the days of her funeral service and burial confirmed that for me. However, as much as I may look at peace or try to convince myself that I am…I feel like a walking, talking ball of confusion. I’ve struggled to articulate my thoughts every day because they don’t fully make sense to me. I hate that. Therefore, this is the best explanation that I can come up with today. I know things will get better. I am just trying to allow myself the space to process, to feel every single thing and to breathe through it. I know I spent years processing, on this here tumblr, so I just wanted to leave this update here. Thank you for all your prayers, positive thoughts and well wishes over the years. (and you’re damn right I’m taking my ass back to therapy in the days to come. I’m aware enough to know that I can’t do this alone. I’m also grateful to have people in my life who will make sure that I don’t have to but that will also allow me to journey solo when need be). Definitely trying to learn how to live again…