#self indulgent but ✨i dont care✨

My sister had her last baby today. She waited the whole nine months to find out the gender, much to my mother’s dismay. I bought her baby clothes that were grays and blues and greens, not caring about who it would be. Love can always be felt for others, even at nine months away.

As a half-assed writer, I have to think about my sister when she had my niece 8 years ago. She was living in our parents house and dealing with the awful reality of a man that wasn’t ready to be a father, and parents that still weren’t ready to be parents. I remember being 13 and so afraid for her, going to the library at lunch and reading up on affordable housing and food stamps and child birth. I wrote her thousands of notes with words of encouragement before she went to work everyday. It was always like that between she and I, taking care of each other in our own ways.

Our mother was checked out back then, so my sister made it her own job. She taught me how to tie my shoes and make myself breakfast. She showed me how style my hair and my favorite Maroon 5 songs. She was rebellious and I wanted to be her so badly. The “I love you’s” came easy. We were each other’s first example of unconditional love.

I’m 22 now and she’s 30. We’ve grown up in separate ways and things aren’t as black and white as they used to be. She’s got her own little family and a peace about her that’s unfamiliar. I’m just starting to figure out my own worth and place in this universe. A few months back, she told me that she knew she wanted to be a mom when I was born. She said that I always told her that she was special and that she was beautiful, and even on the bad days, she kept going for me and our other siblings. I’d never known that until now.

My sister had her last baby today. I feel complete in knowing that I was her first.

to Alyssa, the best mom I’ve known // hnl 2020