#sibling estranglement
SITUATION:
My little sister just turned 30 years old. She has never had a real full time job ever since she graduated from a university. The only job she ever had was being an after school tutor for a few months and have been doing on and off freelance artwork. She refused to work any other job because she doesn’t want to waste her time doing something she doesn’t love and believes doing art is her passion and that she’ll be happy in only earning money by doing it.
She has been living with my parents since she graduated for about 8-9 years where my parents pay the rent but she handles the paperwork for the housing. My sister believes that because of her, my parents are able to stay at the house they have been renting for 20+ years. And if she were to move out, my parents will have nowhere to go.
Over the past few years, she has become more and more irritable with the people around, placing strict rules that everyone needs to follow or else she will blow up - yelling, screaming, crying or doing things passive aggressively. She is bitter about how she have been growing up and trying to “act” the part of a good daughter, such as being obedient, not talking back, not having personal boundaries, feeling taken for granted of and not being appreciative. Not just that, but hoarding a deep sense of amosity towards my parents for discouraging her from going to art school. Something she felt she lost the opportunity to do.
After realizing all the painful emotions from her past relationship with my parents, the emotional abuse she deeply felt growing up that made her feel invisible, she now feels the need to take back her control by drawing her boundaries, voicing out her house rules, and expressing all the hurt and pain she felt each one of us have caused her.
She expressed her hatred towards the nickname we gave her as it made her felt ashamed and embarrassed when her friends and partners hear it. Upset that we gave her a nickname she wasn’t proud of and never asked for.
She laments about how my sister and I caused her breakup with her last boyfriend because we told her we didn’t think he was being serious which caused them to argue and breakup.
She reprimand us for visiting home without letting her know and would give us the silent treatment when doing so. She would tell us to take all of our stuff with us, saying that since we moved out, we need to take everything with us.
I asked her if she is so miserable about living with our parents and the environment at home cause her so much stress, why do she still choose to stay?
She says, she wants to leave, but she knows our parents don’t want her to leave. And tells me that if she choose to leave, she will never come back. She will never tell us where she is or what she is doing.
If I try to say anything regarding how I feel about her attitude or behavior she would tell me that I’m attacking her.
I’m at a loss for words. All 4 of us siblings used to be very closed. Only my little brother and I have a stable job and partner. My older sister is also unemployed and living with my parents and she feels my little sister is projecting her anger towards everyone that the negativity is causing her to want to move out.
I’m really worried about my little sister. She doesn’t want to see a therapist. She is aware she has anger issues, but feels like she only needs to do meditation and journaling. I only see that the more she does so the more she feels like the whole world owes her and there’s no longer a sense of forgiveness or compassion in her.
Don’t know what to do, have you experienced something like this with your siblings? What did you do?
