Help! My Wife Wrote a Book When She Should Have Been Caring For Our Newborn and Supporting Our Family, Which She Was Actually Also Doing!

Dear Prudence, Slate,23 November 2021:

Q. My wife wrote a secret book: My wife is an accomplished author who also holds down a fulltime job in an unrelated field, mostly for the benefits. When we had our first child last year, we agreed that she would pause her writing career—something had to go with a new baby at home.

Except, it turns out she didn’t pause it. She got a great idea for a new novel, wrote it secretly during her lunch break at work, and sold it for $100,000. I feel so many things right now; it’s hard to be mad at someone when they casually tell you your son’s college education is now paid for, and her lunch hour is technically hers to do as she wishes. But she went against our deal! She could have been home an hour earlier every night this year if she hadn’t done this project, and when I think back on all the times she’s been tired or grumpy in the past year, I now blame the book (even though it could have just been caring for a newborn). How do I trust her to keep to her word? How should I feel right now?

Dear My Wife Wrote A Secret Book,

I think there’s only one thing a person can feel when their wife had a baby, worked a full time job, and wrote a novel on her lunch break that she later sold for a six-figure advance such that it never fucking affected you for a single moment until it became the subject of your whole family’s wild financial success: absolutely fucking enraged at her unbelievably rude self-centeredness!

Whothe entire fuck did this bitch think she was, being a parent while setting the entire family up for an easy, debt-free college send-off while being a creative fucking genius, when she could have just as easily not done any of that because she owes you every last fucking minute of her whole-ass life? She could have preserved the most precious thing in the world — a promise she made that she in no way broke by doing a thing you didn’t even notice she was doing — or, she could have stifled a great idea so that you and she and your child could be saddled with life-long debt!

Honestly, the gall.

Women are getting mighty uppity these days; many, like your wife apparently, believe they can “have it all” by spending every waking moment trying to hold the whole world’s shit together and funding it, besides! When what they really should be doing is keeping their good fucking ideas to themselves and sitting down, shutting up, and making sure no one else has a nice time, ever. You owe it to yourself and your child to make sure the poor example your wife has set is never repeated again, lest people give you every last gift they have to offer so that you never worry for a single dang moment about anything ever.

The truth is, you can’t trust your brilliant, creative, awful, and bad wife to keep her word! She may get entirely out of pocket and do some further absolute perversity such as

• writing more novels that keep your family in financial comfort indefinitely
• doing so while not at all interfering with you or any of your dip-ass nonsense
• making sure everybody has enough to eat and a place to live
• being smart and cool as hell
• even if it’s hard and stressful and makes her occasionally grumpy and tired

Just generally a list of the worst shit women can do, especially when they are moms of newborns and should be full of vim and vigor like all new parents everywhere! Definitely divorce this untrustworthy intellectual slag so that you can find out what life is like without her, and with someone more reliable instead.

lord-of-the-weird:

kittyzob:

twitchintongves:

veganhealthandfitness:

imagine someone actually giving a fuck ?? about your day??? and your feelings?? imagine someone giving a fuck about you ????

fuck

holy