I’m deleting my Tumblr as soon as I remember my password.

Q & A

WHY:Because I can. And I want to. I dont feel a need to keep it any longer. I ruined my entire fucking life feeling this way. Done playing the game, I guess.

WILL YOU BE BACK:no.

WHY CANT YOU STAY: Because I don’t have a teacher crush anymore.

DONT LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT: thank you

WHAT HAPPENED:Nothing happened. That’s the point.

FINAL ADVICE

I am going to be real here. Mad real. Speaking from straight experience. Dont be a chicken shit. You got the feelings for them? You think those feelings are real and not a whim? Say it. Say it to them as soon as you can. Don’t cover it up. Don’t let it fester. Dont let it eat you alive like a fucking living and breathing, decaying disease. Dont let it drag you down, beat you up, make you feel like a useless piece of dogshit. SAY IT. If it’s just a crush, DONT BOTHER CHASING. I spent over THREE fucking YEARS of my life loving this beautiful fucking man. I still love him. FUck. But BE REAL WITH YOURSELF. It took me losing EVERYTHING and then some to realize this is a JOKE. You will get lost. Ungodly lost. To the point you have no clue where the ever living FUCK you came from or where you were going. You’ll hate your heart’s compass, and you’ll curse your brain. But damn it, you will get through it. YOU WILL. I DID.IT IS SO FUCKING LIBERATING.

I broke down crying. I cried because I loved him. I cried because I hated him. I cried because he wouldn’t ever feel this way about me. And man, I hated him so fucking much. I actually hated him by the end of it because I loved him with EVERY inch of my heart and soul. He would never feel the same way. I grew to despise him for everything. “Why can’t I be with you?”. “Why can’t I be happy with you?”. “Why can’t we be a thing?”. These fruitless fucking questions are just honeytraps to keep you stuck meddling with useless emotions. IGNORE THEM. FIGHT THEM. GET RID OF THEM. The second you stop asking yourself those questions are the second you can BREATHE and TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

I love every one of you. Everyone who stuck with me for this entire ride. Please don’t let my story be useless and take my experience and advice. It’s okay to love, but you need to be real and more importantly, STAY BALANCED. The second you ask those questions above, YOU’RE IN TOO DEEP. Stay alive and strong out there, TCers.

Oh. We’re fighting now. His advice changed when it turned to being about me. Hmm.

He told me to not even say it.

I guess he doesn’t respect me if he won’t even hear me out.

What? I just told him everything I have been asking was for him and about him and he’s either too preoccupied to notice what I am really saying, he doesn’t care, or he is actually that oblivious to it?

Is this a joke or some type of curse?

It do really be like this.

He really is this innocent and oblivious. Oh boy.

Oof. I told him about the feelings, leaving out the part it’s about him. I asked him what I should do. He told me to confront the person, tell them my honest feelings, and at the very least, I would be feeling better having it off my chest…

I asked him what he would do if someone said that to him.

“If I respected them, I would listen to them.”

I could tell him… but it will never be the same again…

I didn’t mention that it was specifically about him but I told him about my guilty feelings for loving someone I shouldn’t.

Time to take my hiatus from the internet maybe…

Might be taking a break from social media and whatnot for a while…

This is really fucking me up…

Guys.

I feel really, really guilty about loving him.

It is getting to the point it makes me sick, you know? I cannot really tell him either… and that is the part that makes me sick. What if I told him and he leaves? I don’t want to lose his friendship. I don’t want to make it awkward… or ruin anything…

I think it would alleviate a lot of my mental pain, specifically in our situation, if I told him my honest feelings towards him. Which includes the times I love him as a parental figure, as well as the times I love him for being him.

But like I said, I don’t want to lose him. For all the bad times, there have been a million good times that have been overlooked because of my insecurities. I don’t think it is fair the way I treat him for my own feelings. Most of my “anger” towards him is because of the guilt. Why do I love a guy who’s already happy?

I fell in love with every part about him. His gorgeous smile. His beautiful eyes. His little quirks. His abundant intelligence. His warm voice, and the way he says my full name. His different, more higher pitched voice when he is upset, or doesn’t want to do something. His little nicknames he gives me, and the way he grins when he says them. His bad days when he is grumpy and temperamental and wants to stay in bed. His good days when he is bubbly and on top of the world and could brighten the room. His ambitions, and his dreams. His creativity, and his sensitivity. His loving way of viewing the world, and the individual things around him. The way he always makes a comment on my appearance when I walk in the door. The way he always asks how I have been. How we joke with each other like there is no one else in the world, and how we click like yin and yang. Our differences, whether it is a way of viewing something, or just our age and gender.

I could go on all day about everything I love about him. Even the things I should dislike about him, I still love him for it.

And the saddest thing is he would never know any of this. I could tell him, but it would be at the cost of what we have now.

Even if he felt the same way, or kindly accepted my feelings (as in: letting me down easy and continuing to care about me and talk to me), we would never be able to do anything with it… I just don’t know if the risk is worth it…

Well… we were making suggestive jokes to each other and talking about more “taboo” topics, and we were having a good time. It was interesting.

When I talked to him last time in person, and was explaining my trip to the emergency room to him, I told him how I was sitting at the park in my car freaking out. He was confused on how I ended up at the hospital, and I told him I called the ambulance and they showed up and took me to the hospital.

He was like “Oh, I thought like a cop came up and called them or something”. I rebutted with “No. God no. If a cop came up to me in that moment, that would have been really bad.” I meant it as in I would freak out on them, and maybe even gotten in trouble.

So he looked at me weirdly and was quiet for a tiny bit. “Why..? Were you being naughty or something..?”. He asked it in such a genuine way and like he wasn’t just joking.

Like NO I WASNT. WHY DO YOU ASK? Lol.

I think he sometimes misses hearing about my wild adventures. I used to tell him everything and we would laugh about it, but things have changed a lot and we dont have that leisure anymore…

Maybe I am his insignificant other :D

I fucking hate holidays.

Why does that always happen…

Whenever it is a really bad time, or just when I think I am having a meaningful conversation with him, I always see him with his family…

What kind of sick joke is this?

That was pretty nice. We didn’t really talk about any heavy personal problems, we just kind of talked about random stuff. Finished each other’s sentences more than normal. Felt really in line with him today.

We got on the topic of drinking, and he said he is a really talkative drunk after I said I was a super social drunk. So I was like “In a year on my 21st birthday, we should go to a bar”. He thought about it for a few seconds and said “Yeah if bars will even be open”. He never said no, so I might bug him next year about it. (:

I mentioned something about my rings I was wearing and how I didn’t really like wearing rings because they catch on everything (but they’re pretty, that’s why I wear them), and he said “I wear one. I don’t want to but I have to”. And he was just kind of staring off while I was looking right at him. It went awkwardly quiet for a few seconds and I was just like “ANYWAYS…”

Yeah… it was an interesting conversation and meeting. I don’t know why we can’t be like that all the time…

About to go talk to him… hope it is better than the last… and we don’t get interrupted for the fifth time in a row… :/

My birthday this year kind of means a lot… finally out of the “teens”, which is a bunch of years I want to put behind me. I have been having a really shitty last few weeks and I was looking forward to a day where I could maybe feel decent about myself and be relatively special.

But you know, the one person who knows me better than anyone and talks to me the most completely forgot about it… I am not even going to tell him it is my birthday…. he should remember. Especially since I told him a week ago about it and what this year meant to me.

Never in a million years would I forget his birthday (and I understand birthday celebrations are designed for children, and he thinks they are not important *to adults* but it doesn’t make the day any less special). How can you forget something like it? Especially if it is important to someone?

“Yes, she knows I talk to you”…

Then why do you always lie about meeting with me..?

Goddamn it… I care about him so much…

So he downplayed it… and is acting like everything is fine… but it is not fine… how can you be a completely different person to me in person and profusely tell me you deeply care about me (even if he means it platonically) and get emotional about things with me… and then the minute real life enters you act like we are strangers… or worse, like I am his student again or like I am part of his job…

He knows my past… he knows how uncomfortable I am about it… why is he treating me like this..?